I Can't Take It Anymore!

[Emi]

Hey solara. I get it. I made the mistake of letting my mother back into my life too. Now im paying the price. My mom is a narcissist. Narcissistic abuse is absolutely crazy making bc you see it an no one else does! They are master manipulators, control through guilt, and present a perfect facade to the outside world. Its a hard lesson to learn that I'll never have the mother (parents really...my dad is her enabler) that I wish I had. Im apparently still learning it. Here you ever want to trade encouragement or vent or anything

 

[Lionheart]

I really feel for you !!!

I had a similar relationship with my father and I understand how tiring it can be.....I just worry that telling yourself that you can't take anymore is not the healthiest thing to tell yourself. Perhaps, telling yourself that you can and will change things by separating yourself from your mother will help you to feel better.

I think it is more empowering when we are able to say positive things about our situation(s) and take what control we do have and make the difficult but necessary changes in our lives.

Only a suggestion from someone who can empathize and cares, please take it for what it is......just one persons opinion..

Wishing you the best,
Lionheart777

PS: I apologize if this is not helpful to you!!!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Emi,
I understand! My mom has narcissistic traits, but I don't know if she'd qualify for the full blown narcissistic personality disorder. (I'm sure you picked up on those in my initial post even though I didn't mention narcissism at first.) My grandfather (my mom's father) was VERY narcissistic. Being around him was pure crazy-making! I COMPLETELY agree with the statement you made about how you can see it and nobody else does. My mom can appear very sociable toward others and can chat anyone up about anything. Its not until you are close to her that you can see the narcissistic traits

@Lionheart777,
I'm sorry if it came across like I'm not willing to move forward and change, because I am. If I am completely positive about a situation, the anger element is left out and I've found that anger is a great motivator for me. If I put a positive slant on the whole situation, then I am more likely to let the bad stuff slide and go back to my old ways. The anger actually helps move me forward. By saying "I can't take it anymore" I am telling myself that I do indeed deserve better. Nope, I can't take it anymore, and I won't. But, at the same time I am willing to change and move in a positive direction because I am finally able to see a better future. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I am completely positive about the whole situation, I hold on to an unrealistic sense of optimism in relation to my mom and that things will change, I can handle her, etc. Does this make sense? I guess its a matter of holding on to that motivating sense of anger toward her but also being able to move forward in a positive direction.

 

[Lionheart]

@Lionheart777,
I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I am completely positive about the whole situation, I hold on to an unrealistic sense of optimism in relation to my mom and that things will change, I can handle her, etc. Does this make sense? I guess its a matter of holding on to that motivating sense of anger toward her but also being able to move forward in a positive direction.

@Solara

Yes, that makes perfect sense. Anger is something I too hold onto to help motivate myself, I find that anger can be very empowering, so I do understand what you are saying. I am happy that you are willing to move forward and as I said I totally wish you the best!!

 

[Tanishq]

Solara, I do have similar mother and oh the pain it came from it, seriously very tough thing to solve for me. I won't repeat the same things as they are already told in this thread. I would like to add few things.

I really do want a better future, and I know I can't get that if I am chained to the past.

This is how I started moving on from my narcissistic mother many months ago. Right now I have made peace with so many things and I don't get hurt immediately when she does something hurtful. I am moving on finally. Right thought to start moving from your mother Solara.

I have just felt this odd (for me) sense of calmness.

I think it's due to your new start. New steps you made to put full stop on this abuse which happens under the badge of fake parental love.

Over the years I have learned mothers have to do work with us, when they deny to fulfill the responsible they took this all happens. It's very poor. It's bad not to make an effort to understand the kid. No woman becomes great mother automatically by giving just birth, giving birth must be start of it.

Edit: Our mother has to accept us, accepting someone leads to unconditional love. Our mother never loved us, so that reveals they never accepted us in first place or it may be they don't have emotions in their heart. I am trying to understand this one last thing, who knows, time to let this go as well as it sounds very puzzling?

I wish you best wishes in your new career, new life. :tup:

 

[ms spock]

But seriously what changed everything was my attitude to it, i gave myself the freedom to no longer care and accept that what i was searching for initially was simply not attainable. And most importantly i reach the point of forgiveness and acceptance about many things that had happened, and there was plenty, i came to understand that i had to do it on order to move on and survive, it became one less anchor to carry. It does not cancel out your abuse or the effects of it, it does not lessen it, but it does lessen the weight you carry and allows you to truly concentrate your energies.

This is most profound @darrenS, I wish I could have read it when I was 15 or 20.

I had to cut my mother out in the end @Solara. I couldn't do it. She was just too manipulative. If I had realised what she was doing earlier, I would have just cut contact and never gone back, but I cared about my siblings too much. I never thought my mother could do what she threatened to do.

It is very hard to realise the person who is meant to love and care for you, is indeed, anything but that. It is a hard one.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

So this was in another thread and I quoted it there, but want to quote it here as well so I can come back here and see the words of a complete stranger who cares more about me than my own mother....

Every time I read what @enough has said, I start to tear up.

a faith in a higher power is helpful to you I would be a very bad person to do anything to shake that support and I do not intend to do anyone harm.

[Break in train of thought...]

It really does hurt that my own mother is hurting me more than the person who sexually abused me as a child... Maybe you'll think this is out there, but here is my reasoning. I was molested and I am healing from that. My innocence was stolen, but I can grow beyond that. My spirituality is the ONE thing that has pulled me through when I have been at my worst. That foundation has been rocked so horribly that there are times when I don't feel that spiritual connection and I just want to die. I can't go back to feeling that way 24/7. I won't. My mother is so selfishly blind that she cannot even comprehend what she is doing to me. She cannot see that what she is doing is destructive to my spirituality.

My dad once told me that if I asked him to leave my church because I needed that in order to heal, he would do it in a heartbeat, no questions asked. I would never ask him to do that. His point was that my mother is blind to what happened to me (sexual abuse). She chooses not to see, not to engage. She cannot understand how important spirituality is to my healing. My dad went to a mental health class by NAMI and was there every week, never missing a session. My mom couldn't be bothered to get up that early on a Saturday so she missed much of it. She doesn't know how toxic she is to me. She doesn't know how much she continues to hurt me.

So tomorrow I will go to a new church. I've been there before, but its still new to me. An official from the diocese is giving the sermon (I think). I will ask for a blessing. I believe it will help me.

 

[Rumors]

Don't give her that power... If you allow her to be toxic in your life, she will forever make you sick. If you rid yourself of the need, desire, expectation that she is anything except what she is, you will no longer be poisoned by her. She obviously has her own agenda, but it doesn't have to be your agenda.
Good luck!

 

[ms spock]

It really does hurt that my own mother is hurting me more than the person who sexually abused me as a child...

I really don't know how you are dealing with this, unfortunately you are dead on accurate about your mother.

I think you are terribly brave to be so honest and forthright about what is going on.

That she came to your church after her previous attitudes is horrendous - she could have gone to any other church. That church was your church.

My reading of it is deliberate sabotage - you must have been getting pretty close to complete healing for her to pull out all stops like that.

Anyway you are managing it well to tease apart the nuances that you pulling apart.

 

[Rumors]

Hope you are doing ok, Solara. ;)