It has been brought to my attention recently, that I, at times, seem to have issues with respecting boundaries with people whom I feel are not listening to me, or wilfully manipulating me. An example of this is recently, I experienced having a 'friendship' end over a situation that occurred, which I think I have already posted here somewhere else.
The text on facebook in which it occurred started off with me attempting to try and speak to me 'friend' about the issue, wanting her to acknowledge that it was a full on experience, and I think I was also attempting to hold her accountable for what I saw as an extremely irresponsible thing to do (in short, she gave magic mushrooms to a woman she KNEW had been in and out of psych wards and was on medication for schizophrenia. She did not tell me this at the time, and I had to endure a whole evening of dealing with being emotionally held hostage by this person, who would not only not shut up, but was also talking about some very dark and disturbing things for 6 whole hours and would not let us divert our attention away from her for even a minute.)
When I brought the subject up she replied by saying she didn't like how much focus I was giving it (the situation) and then changed the focus to be about how I had been taking for granted the 'hospitality of the house' which meant I was smoking too much of her housemates weed...even though it had been offered to me again and again without me even asking for it! I don't even smoke weed normally!
I admit that I reacted to her manipulating the scenario to making me look like the bad one, and I think I was triggered as it was something my mother used to love doing when I was growing up. I went into depth questioning her motives for changing the subject, and explaining how I intended to buy some to share, but either had no money when it was around, or when I did have money the guy I knew didn't have any, and I thought it would be ok because I had contributed several bottles of wine and one big bottle of sake over the earlier weeks. This was not sufficient it seems and I forgot how weed smokers will say "sharing is caring" and then turn around and bitch about how you never bring your own weed...which I can't stand...that whole fake politeness thing.
So, anyway, apparently she felt harassed by me going into length detail, and I admit my reply was much longer than her shorter sentences were. I had more energy to spare than her. I did not intend to harass her, but felt like I had to defend myself...which was possibly not necessary. She asked me to stop, and I initially did and asked when she'd be free to speak about it because I wanted to clear the air? When she didn't reply after a time I continued on...feeling like I was being shut down for saying something she didn't like.
The end result was she unfriended me and said she didn't need people like me in her life! We'd been friends for about 9 years! All over me not contributing weed and choosing to keep speaking after she asked me to stop??
So that is the most recent story. There was a similar one a few months ago with a male friend of mine, whom I contacted on facebook chat to inform about my progress, or lack of, with job hunting...thinking he'd be interested, as he had shown interest a few times prior to that and offered me support. I don't know what I said, but he suddenly told me to stop!
I said "why" and he went on to say that I "always" take everything he said seriously online...which wasn't true. It had happened about 3 times in 2 years of knowing each other, and so I questioned him saying this.
Me questioning his contention though caused him to get pissed and basically he hasn't spoken to me since, though he didn't defriend me. I think he'd just been having a bad day and I annoyed him with my ranting about my stuff? He didn't really elaborate and I haven't contacted him since. I didn't think I said anything that bad or worth stopping me in my tracks for. I looked over what I had said and it was not anything that bad. I didn't actually take anything he said the wrong way as he though, so it was a misunderstanding, but it made me feel like I had poor boundary control as he later expressed his annoyance at why I was still speaking about it when he'd told me to stop. I kept going because I don't like to be told first of all, especially when I am confused about what I did to be shut down that way?
I realise that I ignored these peoples boundaries, and my justification for it was that I was not feeling heard and felt unjustly accused of things I didn't do...something I evidently cannot stand.
I guess I am hoping to find some perspective about this before I start worrying myself into the ground that I have serious boundary issues or something. If anyone can give some outside perspective it might be helpful and I'd be grateful. I realise it is hard without full context to know what was said. I feel like with the first scenario I gave, I had raised an issue that she did not want to look at and behaved in a manipulative way so to place the focus on me, and that angered me a lot, and caused me to disrespect her boundaries and her as a result.
That seems to be the way I operate. If I feel that I am being disrespected with a cunning tactic of manipulation to avoid an issue that is important, as I felt this was, then I will lose respect for the person and have trouble wanting to respect their boundaries. Don't know if anyone else works this way, but I'm trying to work out whether that is just 'normal' and though it wasn't nice of me, it wasn't a huge 'problem' with boundaries either...just something that happens when I feel unheard? I am also taking into account that it was online, and communication can easily be misinterpreted and misconstrued online and it's always better to leave it until we are speaking face to face, so that is one major factor here.
The text on facebook in which it occurred started off with me attempting to try and speak to me 'friend' about the issue, wanting her to acknowledge that it was a full on experience, and I think I was also attempting to hold her accountable for what I saw as an extremely irresponsible thing to do (in short, she gave magic mushrooms to a woman she KNEW had been in and out of psych wards and was on medication for schizophrenia. She did not tell me this at the time, and I had to endure a whole evening of dealing with being emotionally held hostage by this person, who would not only not shut up, but was also talking about some very dark and disturbing things for 6 whole hours and would not let us divert our attention away from her for even a minute.)
When I brought the subject up she replied by saying she didn't like how much focus I was giving it (the situation) and then changed the focus to be about how I had been taking for granted the 'hospitality of the house' which meant I was smoking too much of her housemates weed...even though it had been offered to me again and again without me even asking for it! I don't even smoke weed normally!
I admit that I reacted to her manipulating the scenario to making me look like the bad one, and I think I was triggered as it was something my mother used to love doing when I was growing up. I went into depth questioning her motives for changing the subject, and explaining how I intended to buy some to share, but either had no money when it was around, or when I did have money the guy I knew didn't have any, and I thought it would be ok because I had contributed several bottles of wine and one big bottle of sake over the earlier weeks. This was not sufficient it seems and I forgot how weed smokers will say "sharing is caring" and then turn around and bitch about how you never bring your own weed...which I can't stand...that whole fake politeness thing.
So, anyway, apparently she felt harassed by me going into length detail, and I admit my reply was much longer than her shorter sentences were. I had more energy to spare than her. I did not intend to harass her, but felt like I had to defend myself...which was possibly not necessary. She asked me to stop, and I initially did and asked when she'd be free to speak about it because I wanted to clear the air? When she didn't reply after a time I continued on...feeling like I was being shut down for saying something she didn't like.
The end result was she unfriended me and said she didn't need people like me in her life! We'd been friends for about 9 years! All over me not contributing weed and choosing to keep speaking after she asked me to stop??
So that is the most recent story. There was a similar one a few months ago with a male friend of mine, whom I contacted on facebook chat to inform about my progress, or lack of, with job hunting...thinking he'd be interested, as he had shown interest a few times prior to that and offered me support. I don't know what I said, but he suddenly told me to stop!
I said "why" and he went on to say that I "always" take everything he said seriously online...which wasn't true. It had happened about 3 times in 2 years of knowing each other, and so I questioned him saying this.
Me questioning his contention though caused him to get pissed and basically he hasn't spoken to me since, though he didn't defriend me. I think he'd just been having a bad day and I annoyed him with my ranting about my stuff? He didn't really elaborate and I haven't contacted him since. I didn't think I said anything that bad or worth stopping me in my tracks for. I looked over what I had said and it was not anything that bad. I didn't actually take anything he said the wrong way as he though, so it was a misunderstanding, but it made me feel like I had poor boundary control as he later expressed his annoyance at why I was still speaking about it when he'd told me to stop. I kept going because I don't like to be told first of all, especially when I am confused about what I did to be shut down that way?
I realise that I ignored these peoples boundaries, and my justification for it was that I was not feeling heard and felt unjustly accused of things I didn't do...something I evidently cannot stand.
I guess I am hoping to find some perspective about this before I start worrying myself into the ground that I have serious boundary issues or something. If anyone can give some outside perspective it might be helpful and I'd be grateful. I realise it is hard without full context to know what was said. I feel like with the first scenario I gave, I had raised an issue that she did not want to look at and behaved in a manipulative way so to place the focus on me, and that angered me a lot, and caused me to disrespect her boundaries and her as a result.
That seems to be the way I operate. If I feel that I am being disrespected with a cunning tactic of manipulation to avoid an issue that is important, as I felt this was, then I will lose respect for the person and have trouble wanting to respect their boundaries. Don't know if anyone else works this way, but I'm trying to work out whether that is just 'normal' and though it wasn't nice of me, it wasn't a huge 'problem' with boundaries either...just something that happens when I feel unheard? I am also taking into account that it was online, and communication can easily be misinterpreted and misconstrued online and it's always better to leave it until we are speaking face to face, so that is one major factor here.
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