Relationship Ptsd And Holidays

[mikehoncho]

I'm sitting here awake worried about my wife.

She is trying to recover from childhood trauma through therapy. The problem is that I fear that my family is not creating a safe environment for her to get better.

I blame myself. I have not created good boundaries with my family. My father has a temper and my step mother shows passive aggressive tendencies with favoritism towards her own children. It's a bad environment for me, so how can it be a good environment for her.

When out with her, I literally dread every social occasion, and the goes doubly for any occasion involving my family. She cannot drink alcohol, because when she does she falls into a spiral of depression and self loathing. It's like anytime anyone says something that could be interpreted badly she falls off when we get home and we spend hours trying too come to terms with it.

We decided to go away this Christmas, it's our first Christmas married. However, we still need to (or do we) plan time to exchange presents, etc. I'm literally dreading it.

I've loved my family for years but right now I feel like I hate them. My wife is sensitive but sometimes I think she's right about them. But anytime someone says something wrong she falls into a spiral. That's not right, we cannot be in loathing just because people say the wrong things.

I think what I need to do is seek therapy myself. I cannot expect to heal her if I don't heal myself. I have been seeking someone good I can trust.

My wife is my priority right now, nothing is above her. I just don't know what to do about Christmas. I feel like it will be bad if we go and it will be bad if we don't.

I feel so lost. Hopefully once Christmas is over things we will have time to ourselves.

 

[Friday]

Any chance your wife could come down with a severe headache or bout of stomach flux before your present exchange?

There are just certain stressors I need to avoid when I'm not doing well. I've used migraines & stomach issues in the past. (Not entirely untrue; if I came I would be puking later, or locked in a dark room with a throbbing migraine... It's more of using a time machine in my polite regrets to outline the issue I'll be avoiding by not coming).

((Whoops. Dang it. I usually try to avoid posting in the supporter section. Didn't notice what forum this was in until too late.))

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You can't expect to heal her period.

 

[Lucycat]

We decided to go away this Christmas, it's our first Christmas married. However, we still need to (or do we) plan time to exchange presents, etc. I'm literally dreading it.

This sounds like a great idea to me. I don't like Christmas per se, but this year I am trying to make it easier and yet more fun. We have done the gift exchange in advance. So that is sorted. We have not opened the gifts received they sit under the tree to wait for Thursday. We will see no family members on Christmas, although may go to a stepson at some point over the festive period as he has a birthday. But the pressure is off. There is no duty, nothing we MUST do.Christmas is a time to be enjoyed not endured so make it as easy for yourself as you possibly can.

You have already said that your parents are not helpful to your situation, so you are not obliged to include them in your plans. It sounds to me as if you need to think about yourselves for a change and not worry about other people.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The ability to adapt and change plans on the fly is a good skill to develop as a supporter. I second @FridayJones's stomach bug idea for a quick fix. You can go over and exchange with your family and enjoy yourself, and she can have a stress free evening at home. Later you guys can do something special after you get home (maybe snuggle up and watch Christmas movies). Not totally ideal, but pretty painless compared to a melt down that could have been avoided.

Eventually though, it may be a good idea to make your family aware of her PTSD and the issues that may arise because of it. If you are married, it is a family matter. You don't have to go into details or violate her privacy, but your family needs to know that her boundaries need to be respected and that she cannot help being symptomatic at times. My family knows that my vet has PTSD. All I have to say is "He isn't feeling good today" and that is that. No issues. They don't get their feelings hurt if he backs out of family plans, they don't think he is an asshole, or crazy, or anything else that they may have jumped to conclusions about if I didn't educate them... they know he cannot help it. My family also knows not to do certain things that upset him, like make loud unexpected noises, seat him with his back to a door, ask insensitive questions, etc. It has taken a lot of pressure off of everybody.