Attachment To Your Therapist: What Is It, Really?

[joeylittle]

Alrighty.

I often read that attachment is a necessary aspect of the therapeutic relationship.

I understand that transference is a required element of psychotherapy, specifically; and I think I understand how someone struggling with attachment would benefit from experiencing it with their therapist. I'm not totally sure I understand it, but it sounds like it makes sense.

How does your attachment to your therapist actually manifest itself? What are the tangible signs of it (if any)?

I could guess that hugging your therapist (if they do that) supports attachment; or texting with them (some kind of immediate gratification)...but I'd love to hear how people act on their attachment, I guess.

I'm also wondering how a therapist relates to it: do they have to support or cultivate your attachment, or does it just happen? Do they talk about it before it happens, or only after?

The reason for my asking? I don't completely understand attachment as a disorder, but on paper I seem to have problems with attachment. I was aware of going through a brief period of transference with my therapist, but it was more interesting to note it happening than anything else. Nothing revelatory came from it. I actually think my therapist found it more revealing than I did.

But I do wonder sometimes if I depend on my T in ways that are not helping me. Or maybe they are helping me, because it's attachment, and it just feels incredibly uncomfortable and bizarre because I'm not used to that feeling.

Any thoughts and stories welcome.

 

[Kintsugi]

Alrighty.

I often read that attachment is a necessary aspect of the therapeutic relationship.

I understand that transference is a required element of psychotherapy, specifically...

It is?

I didn't really have any overt attachmnet with the one T I saw extensively over many years. I was extremely resistant and difficult with her for a very long time. In the end, the type of attachment I had with her was an appreciation that she validated my truth, and she tolerated my bitter humor and could serve it right back at me.

I think I shook her hand--maybe?--in the five years I went to her. But I needed that. I needed it to be that way. I couldn't deal with warm and fuzzy in any form, and she didn't try to be.

 

[arfie]

I had it happen with several therapists. Mine manifested the range from obsessive/intrusive thoughts to erotic dreams. In the presence of the therapists, it never got beyond quiet conversation and assurance that some transference was normal, potentially even healthy, with careful handling.

I am not at all sure that it is possible to have a relationship or emotional dependency that doesn't have unhealthy potential. Keeping that on my radar seems to help allot in my long term relationships. Kinda like my food diet, my emotional diet needs constant monitoring and tweaking.

 

[Chava]

Good question. I've always felt the same towards therapists as clinic receptionists. It's easy to talk about work then just sort of stare at the floor. A better connection is probably a good chunk of the work for me. I e-mail my therapist too much, like a halfway point between that non connection and having a normal connection where I actually trust her but also don't have to keep checking that we both exist. But more like I can talk about things that matter and feel comfortable. And in between sessions know she is "there" and that I am "here" (nobody disappeared...this has to be really early attachment weirdness for me). Sometimes I can think about therapy or hold helpful ideas in my head without having to check everything with my therapist.

I feel like I'm just starting to get the hang of it and now my new insurance will wreck it. Feels so arbitrary, like story of my life. So much for learning important lessons. :grumpy: Why would I go through a couple years of therapy with a new person. F*ck it.

Anyway, it's hard!

 

[afuneralinmybrain]

I don't know how it forms, really. I feel like my therapist is my father. I want to impress him, make him proud, tell me I'm doing well. He hugged me once! I feel kind of pathetic. I need his approval.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Attachment is not necessary for therapy to work. I've been through intensive trauma therapy and its virtually impossible to attach to a therapist in such a short amount of time. A number of us here on the forum have been through this program, and we all found it helpful (as far as I know...that is, those I've seen post about it or have personally messaged). I got through the program by trusting in the program and the therapy, not the therapist. (I was told to do this as at the time all of the therapists were female and I don't trust females.)

I'm vary wary of attachment in therapy BECAUSE I have attachment issues. Let me explain. In my experience, it did me no good to try and attach to a therapist who was unavailable outside of session. A number of my therapists were like this, as in no texting, no emailing, and no emergency calls. Yes, they were trauma therapists. How do you expect someone with attachment issues that they can ONLY attach between the hours of 1 and 2pm on a Thursday, but otherwise suck it up and get over it cuz you have no access to your therapist? Yeah, it doesn't work like this. I don't see this as a pathway to healthy attachment.

Actually, I think that all those kicks in the teeth that I received helped me in the long run. Try to attach to therapist, get rejected. Rinse and repeat....a lot. I learned to stand on my own two feet. I learned that in a crisis I had to turn to the right sources.....the ones that would always be there for me instead of the therapeutic relationship which could end at any time, for any reason, with no notice. (Yes, I've been there one too many times.)

But, of course, we're all different. I'm learning more about attachment through trial and error. I know others need more of a therapeutic relationship to learn attachment. But for me, attaching to a therapist is like attaching to my cardiologist. Not going there!

 

[Recovery4Me]

How does your attachment to your therapist actually manifest itself? What are the tangible signs of it (if any)?

Depended on the T and resonator. One was a really kind man and I cared about him as a person, closest thing to a healthy parent/grandparent figure that I ever had. He helped me with good role modeling so I could be a better parent. Tangible signs- trust, taking heed or strong consideration of his opinions...change in my behavior choices. Willingness to work hard in the direction he pointed (most of the time). I deferred to his judgement on mental health.

Another...God, she was a life savior and she is carried in my heart. The tangible signs were - I trusted her for help to take over a major life threatening situation in which I could not handled the momentum of the compounding trauma and she walked me into safety...step by step. I deferred my power in the freeze mode.

If I missed the boat on what you were asking...I will try again.

 

[Nyssa]

My attachment sucks.

It goes back and forth between dependance and resent.

Basically, I'm waiting for my T to show me he likes me. I'm hanging to his appreciation so that I can curb my self hatred. If he fails to tell me over and over again that I have value, I feel worthless and I start being resentful at him. Like it's his fault I hate myself so much.

I easily feel abandonned or despised, depending on the circomstances. Then, along with hating myself, hatred towards my T will also grow. And I'll end up in a major emotional crisis.

He used to rescue me during those emotional crisis. But after a few months, he sort of stopped that. I would send "help me" e mails, to which he would not answer most of the time. Of course, I felt abandonned and grew resentful. Even if I knew his intentions were good. He didn't want to enable my dependance, unless there was no other options. Still, part of me hates him for that.

That unresolved resent of mine led to several conflicts. Unresolved conflicts.

I sometimes wonder if I wouldn't be better off that therapy, given the negative effects of my attachment, and my T's lack of response to them.

 

[joeylittle]

Well, @Simply Simon - I think I'm probably just biased because a have read lots of postings on here and elsewhere that talking about attachment being necessary. I do know that transference is the central principle in classical psychoanalysis - and I hated psychoanalysis the one time I tried it, it was the most frustrating thing ever.

I'm glad to read that there are people on here who don't have an attachment.

Basically, I'm waiting for my T to show me he likes me. I'm hanging to his appreciation so that I can curb my self hatred. If he fails to tell me over and over again that I have value, I feel worthless and I start being resentful at him. Like it's his fault I hate myself so much.

This is exactly what I would be worried about for myself, @Nyssa. I think you're right to question whether this is at all helpful.

Tangible signs- trust, taking heed or strong consideration of his opinions...change in my behavior choices. Willingness to work hard in the direction he pointed (most of the time). I deferred to his judgement on mental health.

Except for the trust part, and the deferring part, this pretty much sounds like me right now. I am very willing to try what he suggests, and to work hard at it. I don't think I can say I defer to his judgement because we disagree sometimes, but I do accept his interpretation of things quite often. I think he can observe me better than I can observe myself, often.

I know others need more of a therapeutic relationship to learn attachment. But for me, attaching to a therapist is like attaching to my cardiologist. Not going there!

Yes, this. Even though my therapist is quite good at being responsive in the off hours if I hit a bit crisis, the first time we had a technology fail and his beeper failed to beep, I was completely at sea. After that, it became important to me to not depend on someone in quite that intense of a way.

Is having attachment problems something that is diagnosed at the licensed professional level? Or is it more on par with "I have trust issues, aka problems trusting, or I have weight issues, aka struggles with - but not in a way that warrants a ED diagnosis.

I don't know how it forms, really. I feel like my therapist is my father.

This would terrify me. I think it's why I am only comfortable with therapists in my peer group.

I am not at all sure that it is possible to have a relationship or emotional dependency that doesn't have unhealthy potential.

I think you are right about this.

I e-mail my therapist too much, like a halfway point between that non connection and having a normal connection where I actually trust her but also don't have to keep checking that we both exist.

Just curious - has your therapist told you that you email too much, or is this your objective judgement on the situation? I really resonate with that statement, "checking that we both exist". That sums up the pull I feel towards my therapist that I am not sure about and wonder if it's attachment. It's like I don't believe that he is still there, between sessions. But that's mostly because I don't think anyone is there unless they are actually in front of my nose. I don't know what's up with that.

In the end, the type of attachment I had with her was an appreciation that she validated my truth...

This sounds really healthy to me.

 

[Kintsugi]

I think, if you'll allow another two cents from my way, that I need a T with whom I feel I can square off, not someone who is there to pat me on the back and tell me everything is going to be okay. Sorry if that's an offensive description of what I think of as warm fuzzy Ts. But I want to tango when I go to a T. I want to argue, to debate. I want to serve up my perspective and have it challenged. At the end of a session, I'd rather feel like I learned some valuable cerebral chess moves than like I've gotten an emotional hug. My own mind is combative with me, I struggle with myself, I argue with myself. I need someone to argue with that Simon, and that is the Simon I become in a T's chair.

 

[Seagreen]

I don't allow myself to get attached to therapists. I prefer to keep that distance between us and just work on a professional level. My feelings towards my most recent therapist are that she is an interesting, intelligent person who I enjoy the company of, that's it. The thought of hugging or texting her would cross too many boundaries of my own and would probably destroy the nature of our professional relationship. I don't think it would work. Everyone is different.

 

[Chava]

Just curious - has your therapist told you that you email too much, or is this your objective judgement on the situation? I really resonate with that statement, "checking that we both exist". That sums up the pull I feel towards my therapist that I am not sure about and wonder if it's attachment. It's like I don't believe that he is still there, between sessions. But that's mostly because I don't think anyone is there unless they are actually in front of my nose. I don't know what's up with that.

She always says e-mail is fine but reminds me she might not respond right away and that she'll let me know if it's too much...so never allows me to feel ashamed. So yes, just my judgement (though I am pretty sure it's accurate!). I asked once about bpd and my therapist didn't think it fit enough to warrant looking for further diagnosis, but saw my stuff fitting with what could be treated through "complex trauma" lens. I'm intense and impulsive but don't relate to bpd intense attachments, but read something about object permanency relating to relationships...am sure could relate to early trauma, early poor or negative attachment, abuse/neglect/abandonment/whatever, and/or bpd. Something about not being able to hold a representation of a caregiver in your mind...when I read that sort of statement, it makes no sense. Like when my caregivers left, I wasn't somehow soothed by an internal representation or thought of them. It was all like nothing existed that wasn't right there...and when it was right there it maybe didn't exist either!!! :bag::O_o:

That all being said, it helps that my therapist seems to have good knowledge of trauma and attachment stuff. Another therapist could increase my hell if this went badly. She does allow e-mail and has responded, but doesn't respond right away and sometimes very briefly...but pretty consistently does respond. So I've had to suffer a little through waiting (and maybe sending a few e-mails out of craziness before she replied)...but also learn that she is still "there" and isn't going to dump me, or that I no longer exist to her. Super weird to explain, but I feel progress and a little bit of re-wiring in this area so I'm a little less anxious and overall disconnected from myself and others. It's odd how the disconnection is probably what made me feel clingy-needy, which has always been really uncomfortable and dragged in lots of feelings of shame, too. So it's been sort of corrective to have a therapist that has allowed for this and not given up on me as it has sort of played its course without me quitting or mismanaging my stress in any too-dangerous way.

I relate a lot to feeling like nobody is "there". Feeling very disconnected from the world. I've worked mostly on trauma stuff, but as I've felt comfortable with my therapist, I realize part of the confusing glob of stuff is working on this disconnection and how I hold inner representations of others so I can be alone but not feel like I've been hurled into a completely isolative universe where all connection is gone and never was. Makes insurance crap really hard...I'll try to find a way to do transition, continuance, and/or at least good closure which I know my therapist wants too. I understand it's a professional connection but that within that we can work on this stuff...it's like a re-wiring of sorts. It doesn't mean we'll be best friends or be in touch forever, but learning for a period of time how people (or myself) don't "disappear"...a correction of sorts that I hope can carry over, but why I also don't think I'm ready to just quit right now.

Sorry for another overly verbal response. This is a great topic...hard to understand, talk about or make sense of, but I know it's felt helpful for me to talk about this with my therapist (I've admitted a lot of this to her...weird fear that she or I disappear, and she doesn't think this seems really weird or like I'm damaged beyond belief)