And you are admitting behaviour that maybe they can use to make you look unstable.
Mmmm....they'd have a hard time proving a few well worded but unkind fb comments made me unstable. But I understand your concern.
Well he has to deal with and stand up to his parents, himself.
He is. This issue is the fact that he doesn't do well with conflict, and the only family he has left is his brother, he cut off his mother for being a nasty bitch to me, and ignores his older brother for same reason. His father is dead, and the step mother is barely tolerated.
My biggest issue is that as a result of that, he's so scared of admitting their behavior because it threatens the link to the only last piece of family of origin he has left.
And so he minimizes, plays down and casts doubt so he doesn't have to deal with facing the cold hard facts.
And given most of us have childhood trauma, I think we can all understand how it feels to feel like you're losing your identity and last grip on family that has been through the abuse with him.
Or do I want to have burnt my bridges so I never/rarely speak to them again?
I did that very deliberately, and made sure it's not crossable. This letter doesn't rebuild the bridge, but it is also me being able to rise above and show my true colors despite their shit.
your daughter becomes the scapegoat of the poor relations between you and your in laws
Yes, this is something my OH doesn't want to admit, but can see. It is also clearly outlined in my letter to them.
"hey, its ok for you to treat my wife like sh!t!" It is HIS responsibility to stand up to them as your partner and say "its not cool that you treat my partner this way, and it will not be tolerated." Instead he's being a big wimp and siding with them instead of his wife AND CHILD!
Yes, and believe me, he has been given the absolute bluntest, pared down, cold hard facts about what he's done and the impact.
He doesn't do well with acknowledging that he is actually a big part of the problem, and now needs to get into gear himself. He's really struggling with this a fair bit.
I am concerned after everything that you partner is still not there for you at this time, when you have a young child.
Well I am very glad to report that I was informed this morning that his brother had requested my OHs assistance, despite knowing what the answer would be. And my OH turned him down flat, and told him after everything that happened there was no way, and he needed to stay at home to support me and bubs.
And I can't tell you how proud I am of him, finally hearing my hard work pay off.
So there's definitely progress, huge progress!
but it sounds like you are working on a vengeance scheme far more than forgiveness.
Erm....no. The opposite actually. But I do get it could sound like that!
I think the biggest thing about this letter is that regardless of their actions, I myself have thought ill of them, been unkind in my thoughts and talking about them with my OH, and I've really failed in my journey as a Christian.
I'm the reflection of the message I believe, and instead of reflecting it, I reflected the ugliest side possible.
And regardless of whether or not they agree, try to use it against me, be nasty or twist it, my responsibility to be my best does not change.
Also, if they look at me, and I'm only ever reflecting the ugliness, never the beauty, how am I then representing what I believe? I'm then feeding their misunderstanding of my beliefs and enabling the worst side of them.
A core philosophy in my life is that I wish to have done for me, and to assist in others, the best in myself and them. And I haven't done that, so regardless of their level of understanding, the buck stops with me.
Instead of reflecting back beauty when they show ugliness, I reflected the ugly by stooping to their level, instead of presenting an opportunity to show them what the best side of them could look like.
No one likes a mirror the reflects only the bad.
It is really, really easy to verbally bash and judge partners who to the outside, are unmitigated assholes based on the singular events posted in threads.
However it might also be worth realising that in this particular circumstance, my OH has never had an example of a stable relationship, how to interact, how to regulate, problem solve, be a father, respond empathetically and be supportive.
He's learning all of this on the fly, and like us PTSD sufferers, he's scared of losing his identity because abuse, neglect, nastiness and broken relationships are all he's ever known.
We all know how hard it is to let go of the damaging familiar aspects, and learn regulation, coping, self care, self esteem and respect.
Even though I'm dealing with a lot of crap, the man busts his arse to care for his daughter to 100% of his capacity, be there and educate and guide her. We both have a lot of old scars standing in the way of our communication and understanding, but we're getting there.
My psych understands why this is happening, and lays it out for me so I understand and therefore can accommodate his slow, gradual learning curve whilst placing boundaries, enforcing them, caring for myself and my family.
It's also really confronting, after having your boundaries trampled all your life, to be in close quarters with someone who needs them strictly enforced in order not to be hurt, and to also then have to take responsibility for hurting someone with something that is common and normal to you, because it's what you're used to.
She also asks me if he is the right man for me, and gives me things to chew over, allowing me to come to my own conclusions then supporting me when I get it wrong and then need to pick up the pieces and try again.
I give my partner time because when he does finally understand, he then changes.
I think it's also important to note that just because I am acknowledging that I haven't done the right thing, doesn't mean I'm going back to deal with them again, or tolerate their rubbish.
But this will also ease my OHs relationship with his brother, and allow his brother an insight into me without the input or filter of his partner.
