Boundaries With Client

[sara soda]

I am a dog walker and pet sitter and have been walking and watching this client's dogs for about the past 3 years. I've had lunch with her and have gone to an art show with her, but I do not really think I want to be friends with her. Every time she asks me to do things with her I find excuses not to go. I am pretty much a loner and do most everything alone. I don't let many people in. I like people and have felt comfortable having work relationships that extend to going to happy hour after work but not much beyond that. I no longer work in an office, but work for myself. I have no "workplace". I am in clients' homes all the time, often sleeping in their beds when I am pet sitting. All of my clients, except this one woman, maintain a professional relationship with me that does not extend to friendship. We have very different spiritual beliefs. I am pretty much an atheist, and she is kind of new age and has a kind of magical thinking that I do not believe in or feel very comfortable with. From the very beginning I feel like she's been trying to will a friendship to happen between us, Within the first few months she asked me if I'd help her make a bed and she told me I could hang out at her place during the day as long as I wanted. I don't know, there were these red flags that made me feel uncomfortable. I don't think this is my normal avoidance of a relationship. I know she has been codependent and she seems kind of needy. I get overwhelmed with other people's heavy emotions and needs. I just don't want to get drawn into a dysfunctional situation. I think in this woman's mind we are friends, and I think she might be shocked and hurt to find out I do not feel the same way. It's just a tough situation because she is a client and I've wanted to keep my job with her. I don't make a lot of money. I think the next time she asks me if I want to do something I'm just going to have to say I feel more comfortable just keeping our relationship professional. This is so hard. I don't want to hurt her.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I think the next time she asks me if I want to do something I'm just going to have to say I feel more comfortable just keeping our relationship professional.

This sounds like the wisest thing to do, I think.

I don't want to hurt her.

Ah, one of those horrible dilemmas of life :nailbiting:. I am not sure you can avoid hurting her at all, she sounds to me like she's gonna hurt anyway no matter how you try to break it to her. Either that or you never break it to her at all, but that isn't fair to either of you, I think.

 

[Anarchy]

This is so hard. I don't want to hurt her.

Ah, one of those horrible dilemmas of life :nailbiting:. I am not sure you can avoid hurting her at all, she sounds to me like she's gonna hurt anyway no matter how you try to break it to her. Either that or you never break it to her at all, but that isn't fair to either of you, I think.

Hi Sara,
Welcome to the board.
From your description of your client, she comes accross as needy and having a very poor appreciation of boundaries, and a poor understanding of the signals which you've already given her that you don't want her to be more than a client / you are not the "friends" type.

I'm terrible at stopping this sort of thing, perhaps I don't want to "upset" the person, or perhaps I don't spot the boundary blurring until it is too late to avoid, you've got my full sympathy on that.

I guess its either

sugar the bitter pill as much as you can to tell her how much you value her as a client and let's keep it professional (and Radise is right, I think she'll be hurt and bewildered at that, but who owns that? you are entitled to your own boundaries, and "no" is a valid answer).

or

Business as usual, with you getting more and more uncomfortable until either you start coming accross as passive agressive as your frustration slowly leaks out, or, she'll really cross a boundary and... yes, I do that. I just have with my mother... hmmm...

 

[shimmerz]

I know she has been codependent and she seems kind of needy.

Yech!

I think she'll be hurt and bewildered at that, but who owns that?

So agree with both @Radise and @Anarchy on this. It sounds to me like her being potentially bewildered is true because she truly may not know the boundaries between professional and personal. Can you set the tone in this relationship but just continually and politely declining any attempts at friendship without giving her the 'boundaries speech' which she most likely will not understand at all?

 

[sara soda]

Shimmerz, I would really rather not give her the boundaries speech. I just didn't know if I was being too passive by simply declining her invitations. You make me think that maybe I'm doing ok handling things the way I have. Thanks for your input.

Radise and Anarchy, what do you think about my continuing to simply decline her invitations, without making the 'boundary speech'? Have any of you experienced something like this before? Thank you everyone for your input.

 

[StarChild]

Hi @sara soda, just a little hint: If you want to reach particular members with a post, just tag them, as I did with your name. They then will get an alert, that you tagged them specifically in your post.

 

[sara soda]

Hi @TreeHugger, like this? Thanks!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

We don't all get alerts so don't get upset if someone doesn't return......I just say this as people don't realize this.

 

[sara soda]

Thanks @Solara