Is It Possible To Get Those Around You To Accept You Don't Want To Live?

[Queen Boudica]

No, I don't think that is possible. I have had suicidal ideation, My sister died of suicide. I get why, sometimes because I feel like dying myself. But one of the reasons I have PTSD is because of her. But to ask if I would accept her suicide BEFORE it happened. I still can't accept it after it happened. I have never got over it and trying to work out how it could have been stopped.

How could I ask my kids and tell them, I want to die. It would traumatise them. I don't think that is possible for anyone who loves you to accept that you are going to do it. It is not a terminal illness. Even though the pain feels like it.

And I do feel like I want to die a lot. And if I were totally alone I would. But knowing what it would do to my kids I couldn't ask them to accept it.

 

[sun seeker]

I am so, so sorry you are feeling this way. Not much I can say about that, it's all been said so many times.

My take on this is the only people who will be able to understand are those who have been in that desperate place themselves, but even so, no, I don't think they will accept it. Last year a friend committed suicide. Not a close friend. I wished so much that I'd known how bad it was and could have been a better friend (I'm not blaming myself, lest anyone feel the need to reassure me; I wished it for his sake, not mine). I tried to defend him to critics - not to defend his action, but his dignity, to explain the reasons for what to most people is unexplainable. I was so angry, not at him but at the callousness of those who didn't get it. I did get it, understood his reasons, and felt no judgement, just a deep grief for his pain and red-hot rage at the "system" that failed him and the people who blamed him. But as I say this was not someone I was close to.

Suicide is a complicated grief. Those you leave behind would deal with grief added to anger added to guilt added to other people's judgement. No, I don't think people would understand or accept it. It will hurt them badly, no question.

I very much do believe in an afterlife, but I respect everyone's beliefs.

I have a question though, because it's something I struggle with a lot. Are you sure it is death you crave, or just for the suffering to end? If there were another way, would you take it? Once when I was deeply grieving, I was out driving on the highway, tears streaming down my face, when I took a turn too quickly and almost went off the road. The rush of adrenaline as I righted the car and pulled over made me realize it wasn't really death I wanted. I just couldn't stand to suffer any more. When actually faced with the imminent possibility, all my focus went into clinging to life. I can't say it was the last time I had those feelings, unfortunately. But in that moment, what I was really needing became a lot clearer.

 

[sun seeker]

My advice is for you to get Reiki and/reflexology

Could you elaborate a bit on why you feel these would help? I don't know whether @NovemberStar is interested, but I am.

 

[Friday]

I guess I figure there must be a way for those around you to understand and come to terms with it, that's all.

Yep. Absolutely. The exact same way you understand and come to terms with having PTSD and that, -really- it might not be what you want, but it's okay and not really that bad. In fact, it's a good thing. That you should be grateful for.

When you can figure out how to honestly and truly believe that? You'll have your answer.

 

[joeylittle]

I have taken some PRN meds just now, to try to stop the thoughts and images in my head (intrusive memories of the time I'm really wanting to die, aged 9 or 10). Its very very hard to fight suicidal thoughts when the flashbacks and intrusive memories ARE of suicidal thoughts.

I just want to share that I understand this. You and I appear to have a similar story - I tried to drown myself when I was 8, and I was so overwhelmed when I failed. No-one knew about it, and it marked the beginning of my problems with chronic suicidality. When things were getting very dark for me after I started trauma therapy, all the memories of that attempt really started hitting me very hard. Had my therapist and I not prioritized that event and addressed it in terms of processing, I'm sure I'd still be plagued by it, instead of sometimes remembering it, as I do now.

A few things struck me about your words, above. One, can you (or have you) ever done any straight-up trauma processing using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or Prolonged Exposure Therapy, or EMDR, or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy? (Or any number of other modalities that aren't as well documented - somatic experiencing, EFT, internal family systems therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, a twelve-step program?)

If you haven't, can you put some focus on that, to process specifically your memory of the bathtub? Getting those intrusive thoughts to go away will get you some major relief. It won't make the bigger issues go away, but it will make things easier than they are now.

And two, do you have any other working "skills" for managing those intrusive thoughts, besides the PRN meds? I know (for myself) that my PRN stuff will only put a dent in the heavy intrusive memories I get, so I have to do a combination of distress tolerance skills (from DBT) and use a sedative.

I wish I understood the health care system in your country better. And I understand feeling like your current therapist isn't "right" for you right now, but maybe it's an opportunity to switch, or change your therapeutic modality?

Thinking of you.

 

[Friday]

… FARK i wish i could just get a freaking tumor any day now … i swear to god, I'd be so damn relieved.

Oh. In case you give up on making others & yourself understand & be okay... Since ^^^^ and elsewhere I believe you said you wish you could trade your life for someone who has cancer... If you want cancer... There are almost always jobs available in NBC (nuclear, biological, chemical) disaster work. If you don't mind dying of cancer, you could work towards a job rescuing people trapped in contaminated areas. Not the highly educated areas of the field, but wearing suits badly out of date hauling survivors out, so they at least have a chance to say goodbye to their families, if not a real chance at living more than a few days or weeks. But many that you save could actually go on to lead full lives if you get them out fast enough. Tumors guaranteed. There's also an Ebola epidemic on at present, that desperately needs people attending to those dying in excruciating pain, especially in areas of the world with lousy access to medical treatment. Even simple things like soap, much less adequate protective garments for universal precautions. Even highly trained professionals, doing their damnedest to survive, are turning into puddles of goo at alarming rates. Volunteers drop much faster. But your death would be in place of soldiers who are being sent from all over the world because no one else will go. There are also children all over the world being blown apart by mines trying to dig them out so their families can farm or to sell the scrap metal. Dig them out and save a child's life. You know, something meaningful.

ETA : These aren't suicide plans, by the by. They're jobs. Real jobs with paychecks and benefits, and health plans... although these fields are desperate for employees as well as volunteers. For obvious reasons. Most people don't want these jobs.

 

[intothelight]

i guess its asking if it's possible to have those around you 'accept' your suicide, before it happens?

The answer is no, and for all of the reasons that other members have provided. I've been suicidal and I totally understand the pain that is involved with being in a place where not wanting to live is a driving force, but suicide is not an option. You are not helping yourself by keeping it on the table and it is important that you get the help you need to move away from this dangerous rationalization that it is a viable option.

I may be a lone voice in this, but I think that ideation is dangerous and anything associated with contemplating suicide whether you have a plan or not. When a person is depressed, who is to say at what point entertaining this thoughts cannot push them over the edge and make a thought an action?

Find on thing, one tiny thing that brings you a sense of peace, relief, enjoyment and do it and focus on it. It doesn't matter what it is and can be a basic as a hot bath or shower. Then find something else and repeat. Turn on a comedy, but break the thought process. Better yet, go for a walk and let your body release the dopamine that comes from exercise and help you.

By the way, you already have a potentially terminal illness and it is called PTSD. The mortality rate is as statistically high as some cancers.

 

[joeylittle]

I may be a lone voice in this, but I think that ideation is dangerous and anything associated with contemplating suicide whether you have a plan or not. When a person is depressed, who is to say at what point entertaining this thoughts cannot push them over the edge and make a thought an action?

You aren't a lone voice. You've got at least mine also. The more one ruminates on it, the easier it seems. I was once talking about my occasional forays into self-harm with a good therapist, and she said "Don't delude yourself. Thinking you have control over this behavior does not make the behavior itself any less dangerous." She was right.

The goal should always be to move away from the ideation, and talking about it can serve to argue down the thoughts and release the pressure, that's all.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry I can't read these all now, but without quoting it sounds like improving on & eradicating some symptomology (the flashbacks & intrusive thoughts) will reduce the desire.

I totally understand, & have contemplated it too because here it is becoming legal.

But I do a lot of palliative care. I think part of the 'relief' is also not lying about it, or hiding it, or telling myself that would make it easier on others. Plus end this suffering, (especially feeling like a burden).

But I look at Robin Williams & I think what a waste. He was described as the kindest, most generous man. Did more tours for the troops than anyone.

I think if someone loves someone they can't accept it, & I wonder if they should? I read recently, "thank the people who love you for loving you". Sometimes there is someone who will stay on the soggy liferaft in the storm with you at the worst times, including during (our) self-hatred. No, they can't 'cure' it maybe, but isn't that all we can do for one another? Even in palliative care I see the worst pain is from fear, rejection & loneliness, feeling like a burden.

(((((((((((((( @NovemberStar ))))))))))))))))).

 

[anthony]

i can't find the answer, but is there ANY way, if ever, is it possible to have those around you accept you don't want to live anymore, and have them completely understand why you don't want to go on? i guess its asking if it's possible to have those around you 'accept' your suicide, before it happens?

If it happened, it would be as rare as rocking horse shit. Humans are emotional, we cling onto things and don't want to let go. People have a hard enough time letting go of the terminally ill, let alone those who want to die with nothing terminally wrong.

I would say in instances where the people around you were all highly depressed and suicidal, that would be about the only time. You see this when people commit suicide in small groups... though they often discard those in their actual circle of life, forgetting about the impact on others.

What I personally think, is you that you need to get out of the house, stop isolating yourself and get yourself active. Being a lone drives depression, and you are depressed. Only you can change that though. Force yourself to see people, deal with the trauma head on and honestly, don't avoid anything, and you will get through it. This is evidenced that you have obviously done other work on yourself and here you are still. You got through that also.

 

[ms spock]

i can't find the answer, but is there ANY way, if ever, is it possible to have those around you accept you don't want to live anymore, and have them completely understand why you don't want to go on? i guess its asking if it's possible to have those around you 'accept' your suicide, before it happens?

No.

You need to reach out and get help. It is not wise to entertain these thoughts. I always had a thing that I would do it after X,Y and Z. I kept delaying it. And one day a whole range of things lined up, it wasn't pretty.

Time to get out and about, and start doing things again.

Make appointments, go to support groups etc

 

[NovemberStar]

I think I'm a little better (so far) today. Been awake for nearly and hr and usually the suicidal thoughts have kicked in by now.

What helped me yesterday - in the middle of the big dilemma (can't I just die and those around me just get on with it - how can I get this to happen) it all went down a strange path.

Escape - just want escape. Realised realistically, those arond me would probably be greatly affected, whether or not I wanted them not to be. Even if I isolated myself and didn't make contact with any of them for a year. Bugger. So then it became about 'how to disappear and them not know I was dead??' So off my head went on that path ... How to stage it so it looked like I had run off, to 'start a new life' and just disappear (and then take my life but no one would know). I figured - yes, they'd probabiy be upset BUT could live with the idea I was ok, and just wanted a new life somewhere else. I put a lot of thought into this and it cheered me up!!!

THEN - I thought - why not just run off? Quit my life as it is? Sell up everything and ... Start afresh.

Change my life in a radical way - I have a house, I have a well paid job - I could give it all up and move into the middle of nowhere and live out of a caravan ... My pets and me, isolation, and write. Just be with me and away from the extra stresses of everyday life (biggest stress is staying well enough to be able to keep working - if I get too sick to work, I will lose everything I have - my job, my house, my pets - this very nearly hapoened a year ago when I was forced off work for 3 months and it took most of the year to be able to return to a full income again). Instead of the stress of 'will I lose it all anyway? Just from being too sick to work?' I Could take the huge stress away and choose to simplify my life. If I didn't have a mortgage to pay, I woudnt need to worry about working and getting too sick to work.

Quite a few negatives - selling my house to buy a caravan and live almost off the grid - I might not have enough money to sustain living (food costs etc), as id have no job. I was thinking - do it for a year then re-evaluate. Problem is - if I then wanted back into the rat race of working and needing somewhere to live, I wouldn't have the capital to reinvest in owning a home - not so bad if was possible to rent an affordable place to live, that would allow a lot off cats and a couple of dogs - and giving them up isn't an option that would help my mood.

T hours I spent looking into it was a great distraction form the suicidal ideation. I know its all a fantasy (living in the middle of nowhere) but I can't give it up yet. If I could find a way to make it work then I really might just do it.

Living rough and needing to work to survive physically, I would thrive on. which is all very strange given my lack of determination to live otherwise.

Of course - none of takes into consideration I'd still have the PTSD - I can't imagine living in the middle of nowhere would make the flashbacks easier to deal with .... But it is a risk I will consider - if the alternative is I could tske my life as everything is now, what would I have to lose?