Is It Possible To Get Those Around You To Accept You Don't Want To Live?

[NovemberStar]

I increased the clonidine to 3 yesterday. I'm trying to find hope with that.

When I say isolate and don't leave the house, I meant outside of work. I work (self employed, with a very responsible job, good income when im not too sick to work), and so I am forced out of the house most days, sometimes working as many as 20 hours straight. Most of the time in over my job, but lately I don't even like it. I am finding it hard to like anything really.

My T is a good T - it's just the work we are doing is so triggering. She says my key issue is 'relationship trauma' and Sony relationship triggers the trauma - working on getting to trsut her and open up to her IS the work.

I'm too trauamatised for CBT / EMDR etc - it was a relief tohave my pdoc explain to me why I've never been able to tolerate anything like those treatments. Not yet, anyway. I never understood why I couldn't do there lasting or 'mindfulness' (fark - even tying that word leaves me feeling like I will throw up). It is the longer term goal but I'm not stable enough. It's a catch 22 though, becasue I need to be more stable to tolerate those things, yet it's the way most other people find relief from the ptsd symptoms.

In a perfect world, I'd have the option of a treatment facility where I could be inpatient and have 24 hour supoort so I would be in a safe environment while I worked through the trauma. Very very few of us have access to that luxury

Hard when I HAVE to rely on myself to 'cope' and it's due to the trauma I don't HAVE the resources TO cope. I know im not alone in that - yes I have come a long way and I Do have good coping skills for most of life's stresses. Even some off the trauma ones - but the nitty gritty trauma - I'm far too easily overwhelmed and pushed to breaking point; so very slow going and I struggle to keep myself safe inbetween appointments with my T(now once a fortnight as I wasn't able to cope with weekly :(

 

[Barely alive]

If you do follow through with your ideations, then just like a pebble hitting the water, there will be reverberations to those in that care. For those that cause the pain to you, you'll give them relief, because when they see your face they know what they did. For me, I have now outlived most of my abusers, but not the memories. I'll take a 50/50 today, and try to add 1% more positive to it.So here it is.

I understand completely how a small reference can be tied to the emotional memories and flashbacks. How a look or a phrase, a scent or a sound, and on a motion can take you back in time. When I'm in class and is due to resist our hand to answer question, my brain immediately completes the motion to some sort of abuse I have already received. Being an artist as I am now I think it is directly related to my extreme visual memories. All of my life I've always been on alert to the actions and words of others, a lot of fear. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, knowing that the she will drop, or convincing myself that issue will drop, all in a split second. Then the panic runs amok.

I have taken steps before beyond the point of ideation. And just like as mentioned above I was really pissed when I survived. And kept surviving. And believe me I had my plans all worked out. It is because of ,I do believe there some sort of outside forces regardless of what name you might call them.I plan in dealing with them when I get there. I'm still here for some reason.

I'm choosing instead to find out the causes and reasons why my PSTD is so encompassing. The classes I am taking partly on my therapists advice, are given me new insights on the vulnerability of some individuals. That's it two edged sword. Since my abuse both physically and mentally starting very early. Instead of learning social concepts and coping skills, I was in perpetual fright, flight, freeze and fawn modes. My development even before I was officially a toddler was hindered by family dysfunction. What I have learned :though I may never recover, it is up to me to choose each day to stay.
doing so I try to do one thing that is self satisfying. For me it's my art, for others it could be music are poetry, but something that leaves an imprint of this world of their existence.

I've also learned that those of us to suffer the most are also the most empathetic, even if we are not able to always comfort others in a similar situation, we do understand.But sometimes the echos of their traumas, stirs up ours. So we may flinch and draw back, only to dissect and organize our thoughts as to how to effects us. The posts like this make us think, and know we're not alone.

You are not responsible for what was done to you, you are only responsible for what you do to others. Suicide will effect others, as well as infect others. That one makes me choke some days, on other days it's what drives me to get to the next one.
I hope you choose to stick around and offer these talking points and discussions that help others open up. Because sometimes looking at things in black and white, or the pros and cons is the only way we see our own worth. Throughout the day you put this post up as a day you stirred knowledge, sending out waves of openness to all of us here. You do have worth, your opinion does count, you are valued here
I am new to this forum, but not new to the feelings and thoughts involved with ptsd.
Gentle hugs,
J.

 

[Barely alive]

But please excuse all those typos. I rely on a voice recognition program to type. What I meant to say about the class and the students, is that even the most simple gestures can trigger anxiety and panic responses in those of us on the extreme end of the PTSD spectrum. I will work on speaking more clearly, so that my words are understood.
Thank you for your understanding
J.

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree with @intothelight & @Barely alive totally. I think it's my biggest problem. (Oddly enough I've heard of the pebble analogy too). Never thought of it that way @Barely alive , thank you. Yes, don't know 'why' I'm still here either, after my history. :confused:

Yes it's very dangerous when fear is gone & cons outweigh pros, or cons become pro's for it.

 

[xena21]

Get yourself help. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I don't like beating around the bush and speaking in code when everyone knows the truth

OK so have you been raped repeatedly by numerous people when you were less than 9 years old? Did you fear that you would be attacked by every adult that you came in contact with? How about the general day to day existence after you've been raped for 11 years? After that were you happy to be in school or afraid to be in school, because then you didn't know you would be raped again when your family invited your relatives to move back in with you while you were in high school. You knew what was next but you couldn't do anything about it right. In your mind I should FIGHT right? BE THE WARRIOR that you are. I should take on all my predator family and make them pay! That's what I should do. Oh yah I'm not You. Sorry I'm not as tough as you.

Now I do want to die. I'm sorry I'm not that strong, like you are. I wish I could have you r fortitude.

 

[joeylittle]

In your mind I should FIGHT right? BE THE WARRIOR that you are. I should take on all my predator family and make them pay!

That's not at all what @Solara was saying - and I think it's worth clarifying it because of how intensely it upset you. The quote you used is specifically in reference for getting help for the suicidal ideation the OP has been having. Nothing to do with fighting back against your abuser. Everything only to do with recognizing that when your life is on the line, it's worth getting help.

 

[shimmerz]

So sorry @NovemberStar, I lost track of this thread somehow, but not my interest in how you are doing.

My pets and me, isolation, and write.

This is what I do now too. I have lost, by and large the need to die but it seems to be replaced with this. Good step. I wonder if you could continue to do this if it would help you replace a drastic (die) idealization to one less drastic (live off the grid). So glad you feel better. :hug: