Suicidal Thoughts But Can't Tell Anyone

[Emese]

I am depressed. I think. I can't think straight, I'm sleeping the whole time, I've stopped eating properly and on top of it all I've lost all of my hope and motivation. I feel like I'm going to be like this forever and I may as well die just to stop this prolonged suffering and disappointment.

This all got so much worse a month ago when in therapy we did some difficult ptsd stuff and unlocked all of these feelings and I couldn't cope and everything spiralled out of control and now I can't get myself out or remember how I was managing before.

Three years ago this girl who went to my school killed herself, I didnt know her at all but I read about her in the papers and I felt like it was my fault and I should have died instead. There are complicated reasons why I think that not least because I live 5 mins from the train tracks. I feel like I've been on borrowed time since then like I should have died instead of her because she was the better more loved person.

I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop visualising myself doing the same thing in the same way like the papers described in grisly detail. I often have suicidal ideation but often it's more about wanting to be saved. Pathetic gestures. When I have done dangerous things they are not particularly lethal. I get myself to the hospital. I am bad because part of the reason I think/do these things is because I want attention and care. I don't deserve attention and care.

I don't want to be attention seeking and bad so I don't want to tell anyone how bad I have gotten. not even my therapist. I think it is unlikely I will do anything. But I am scared because my thoughts are so loud and distressing and my brain is telling me not to tell anyone in case I decide I do want to die and they stop me. But I am not tidying my room because I feel like I can't leave my mother a messy dirty room on top of a dead daughter. Maybe having a messy room is what is keeping me safe.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I feel like the pressure is eating me up and I need to release it somewhere.

 

[Ewero]

It's good that you vent and nothing to be ashamed of :hug: and seeking attention... You need attention, much more attention, love and care! You deserve much more!

You think you should've died? Why? Because some asshole, some f*cking asshole told you you are worthless, because someone else got you to think that, because you are like this now? You deserve to live, you deserve to be happy!

I know how suicidal ideation can chip off on ones sanity, I know how painful depression can get, the feeling of voidness, not knowing hat to do, overeating to fill it, starving to get it out, sitting ready to die... Anything just to stop it!

But know this one thing! You survived all of that god damn crap, you got through all the suffering, all the pain in life up to this point! Yes. You had a hard life, but that is just playing 'LIFE' on hard mode, which means a score booster in the end! You are an amazing person, many would miss you if yoy left, many would notice the void!

I was stopped by people in suicide a few times, sometimes fought, punched, kicked, did everything, but in the end, it was enough to distract me, to stop me. Sometimes I lost the will on the final moment, all kinds of stuff happened... I lost count.

Well, know that I read your post, know that I care about you and am here for you! Sending :hug:s if you accept!

-otakujome

 

[Wogum]

Hey, I know it may feel like its impossible miles away, but it can be better.

I think you're right, that this is all about wanting to be saved. I know that all the years I spent on the edge of suicide was about that too. I can't deny it. And you know something else…I felt that the only way to get anyone to notice how much trouble I was in was to die. I wanted so badly for someone to notice how much I hurt but they never did. And maybe, you see this other person who did it…and look what happened. It's in the papers. Someone noticed. There were no doubt a lot of people in her life that didn't know she was in trouble until it was too late.

But you're not going in that direction. I want you to notice something important. You came here and posted on the forum. You knew that we would hear you, see your words, and respond with love.

So tell us. We're ready to listen. Out with it. It will be OK, whatever it is you need to say. Say it.

You should also unload on your therapist. Let it out. If they are a professional and qualified (I trust s/he is), then that too will be OK.

I recognize the deep spot you find yourself in; I've been there many times. It's ok to hit bottom cuz sometimes that's the only to bounce up. So bounce.

 

[Emese]

Thank you for kind words.
I read carefully I'm going to ramble now.


I am just so overwhelmed I can't handle it. I dont even know what to focus on there's too much. My depression is back with a vengeance so I have very little motivation and hope. I'm relapsing into my eating disorder and as much as I try and pull it back I keep getting worse and there's a voice in my head telling me to lose lose lose. My low blood sugar is making me anxious and shaky and ill. I hate having an eating disorder. I was doing really well until recently but this lapse is making me feel so helpless and like such a failure because everyone was so proud of me and now I am hiding food again and my obsessions won't stop. I am so uncomfortable in my new healthy body I can't cope. I would rather die than get sucked back into anorexia because it is living hell and I don't think I can go through refeeding again.

I recently left treatment and so my support network is gone and I only see my trauma therapist once a week but I haven't got long left and I am so so scared of being trapped with this trauma for the rest of my life. I have a child self who lives in my head and she is so scared of being abandoned in that room forever and I can't save her and it's horrible.

When things go wrong I panic. I've had mental health problems for 11 years, since I was a child. I just feel like I'm going to be stuck forever, in a revolving door I'm never ever going to get better. I'm never going to achieve my dreams. I'm going to be a disappointment to everyone especially myself. I can't handle failure it is the worst thing. I want to give up now so I won't disappoint myself. No need to drag it out.

The environment at home is awful. It is where some of the abuse happened and it is in poor maintenance and my brother has special needs and scares me because he was so violent in the past and I can't forget. I'm supposed to move into supported housing in the next few months but I've never successfully lived alone before and I am so scared I won't manage. I've got voluntary work starting at the end of the month and I'm scared I won't even manage that.

My therapist is on holiday soon so I'm going to have nothing and I am frightened. It's like everything is falling apart around my ears and my therapist wants me to process trauma feelings but I numbed them instead and now I'm even worse than when I started.

I don't even know if this makes sense I'm in a strange fog and have uncontrollable thoughts but then I punish myself for having bad thoughts or for expressing them.

I'm sorry.

 

[Emese]

You think you should've died? Why? Because some asshole, some f*cking asshole told you you are worthless, because someone else got you to think that, because you are like this now? You deserve to live, you deserve to be happy!

Thank you that is a useful thing. I think you are right you know. The first time I attempted suicide I was 12 and it was an attempt to escape abuse. I have been chronically suicidal since then. As well as being a call for help it is also a way of trying to escape, picturing a way out makes me feel better even if it is extreme. It gives me some control.

I do accept hugs. Hugs are good. :hug:

 

[Hebi]

First of all, big hugs.

Sorry that you are feeling so down. finding yourself in a bad situation does not make you a bad person. however much it might feel like it at the time.

If you are able to, try listening to this audiobook in short sessions (ten to 20 minutes), in trials it was at least as effective at lifting depressions as medications, and better at keeping depression from returning.
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=mindful+depression+audiobook&ia=videos
If it is working for you, the dead tree version is pretty easy to get
http://www.bookdepository.com/Mindful-Way-Through-Depression-Mark-Williams/9781593851286

More hugs
you really do deserve them.

 

[Nedes]

But I am not tidying my room because I feel like I can't leave my mother a messy dirty room on top of a dead daughter. Maybe having a messy room is what is keeping me safe.

As a mom, I can't help but love you for these words. Yea for messy rooms!

Thank you Emese for reaching out and not letting the no talent ass hat who abused you win.