Structural Dissociation?

[Hope4Now]

@Muse, I so appreciated reading your post. Thank you for sharing your beliefs so poetically.

This might seem like mindfulness to some, but for me it is admitting my core self is at a loss, must start from the drawing board, and being fine with having nothing to say or perform from the core that means anything to anyone else. My own empty self-less, sad, having hidden too long, core self is fine with me now. I love her, silent and observing, unopinionated, and inexperienced as she is, my lost baby is loved by me. I nurture her and bring her silent dignity into all my memories and experiences. I carry her, as Jane Eyre did in her dream, through my darkest valleys and peak mountaintop spiritual experiences. She was always there.

Ahh. Nice.

Thusly, I am my own trigger, my own unending source of perpetuating my trauma and C-PTSD. With internal self-compassion and relating from the core to all aspects of me with love, I resemble my abusers less and less each minute that I love and recognize the experiences of all parts of me as important and as having something positive to offer.

I so appreciate this comment.

Most traumatic to me was when my core inner child went into hiding. However, This apparent self-abandonment for survival of my psyche is now a beautiful mystery to me, and I am in awe of my own ability to orchestrate my own hiding and re-emergence. I honor myself for this. Even as I would honor a child who wisely went hiding from a predator, I would also honor her for waiting to come out until it is safe to do so. Likewise, I am proud of her for doing that and speaking her disgust with her abusers and abandoning them instead of herself/myself. Finally, I am proud of myself for bravely letting my core self lovingly expand to include each and every experience I have had, every response, and every choice I have made as having been done in my own best interest at the time. No more survivor's guilt.

I did it to live. I lived to get to this moment. In this moment, I choose to love all of me. This is my healing moment of truth and love. I cannot be anything other than what I truly am-it is impossible to truly abandon myself, therefore, I should stop believing that I ever really did. No more self-blaming for how I "got like this."

And this one too! You are at a place in you that I'd like to be in me.

(I hope my husband loves my core self, and not an ANP!)

I worry about this.

 

[Eleanor]

So "informed consent" is very very tricky here!

Indeed. Consent, when one doesn't have consistent motivational states across time, is a very tricky business.

A thought (not well thought out or organized, but a thought) that all the bits, including EP's deserve respect and even, perhaps, veto power. Psyche's ought properly to be like Quaker meetings, run on consensus. ????

and @FridayJones I hadn't put together my "worthless ADD days" to being blowback from the hyper days. But that makes sense. Plus it is a lot nicer than beating myself up for not being able to be consistently productive, which is my usual M.O.

@Muse. I want to swallow your post whole and try, somehow, to make it part of me. Not quite sure how to manage that....

 

[Hope4Now]

that all the bits, including EP's deserve respect and even, perhaps, veto power. Psyche's ought properly to be like Quaker meetings, run on consensus. ????

Yes! I love the Quaker meeting analogy!

In therapy, he always asks me: "Check in to see if this is okay with all your parts before we talk about it." And the psychiatrist who is prescribing meds for me insisted that I do work in therapy prior to starting on meds...to make sure that all my parts were on board with taking the meds. And that I am supposed to have a "meeting" with parts at least once a week to see how they are all doing with the meds as the doses increase. (I guess that parts can prevent meds from working the way they're supposed to. Who knew? Probably why my three attempts at meds over the years were all failures.)

Of course because it's never quite clear who's in charge inside me at any given moment, "checking with my parts" can be a tricky business. So the therapy stuff is a bit of a dance between my parts and the therapist, and between my parts themselves. We all regularly stomp on each others' feet and get terribly out of rhythm, but we're determined to stick it out and to learn.

 

[Pencil]

Even as I would honor a child who wisely went hiding from a predator, I would also honor her for waiting to come out until it is safe to do so.

I so wish I could say the same. Unfortunately, mine still attaches violently to the most inappropriate and least able people imaginable, and so I am virtually a recluse.

 

[Powder]

@Pencil.

mine still attaches violently to the most inappropriate and least able people imaginable, and so I am virtually a recluse

I want to break it down because I agree, but I don't say my core self is coming out in a way others can see much yet; more it's that I am aware of her emergence in my consciousness as I merely observe from my previously hidden-away core self, instead of from a mask-version, public "me" made for forced socialization. This has been a good feeling of merging, but it takes effort and is tiring. After this "practice" of just holding in my mind my core and letting her participate in the inner reflection between ANP's taking the time to peer into each part's opinion on each thought/issue presented, and turning it over, slowly, in her newly emerged consciousness, I feel slightly different. But I feel too mentally, emotionally and physically tired out by it to be social. I would benefit from a time out from social life and a return to self-care habits.

After a few months of this, I notice people are opening up in my presence, especially fellow introverts. Maybe accepting how I am allows them to accept how they are? All I know is more people are being open with me, and when they do, I am not as triggered. Rather, I feel I understand when the mask comes off that it's brave, and maybe with subtle body language, I welcome it. This is new and strange to me. It is a quiet mystery. I'm not entirely comfortable and feel, well, awkward.

When I speak from my core, and I almost physically begin to shake with fear that the real me is out and will be instantly vulnerable to be attacked. I'm a "me" archeologist. I don't want the project sabotaged. It's necessary to shore it all up. No problem in needing a time out of social stuff, is what I'm saying. I'm busy, inside.

@Pencil, I honor you and know the work you are doing is worthwhile. I like you, just as you are. We're all in progress. But at any stage, you are okay with me.

 

[shimmerz]

that the real me is out and will be instantly vulnerable to be attacked

Jeez, this hit me like a lightning bolt. Makes a great case for the 'real me' being a 'lurker' so to speak. So does it make sense to coax the 'real me' out when there is minimal sensory input, almost like when in meditation? I wonder if this is why so many of us have problems with meditative states, because that is a time that we connect to our 'authentic selves'?

With my children (not inner), when they were struggling with something, I would bring things down to their simplest form, really reduce sensory stimulators, lower voice or no voice at all, take all expectations away until they grounded. I wonder if in coaxing the inner self back out in a safe way, if having no expectations or demands, same environment stripped of sensory things and just speaking internally would be helpful. Just like a wounded animal.....I wonder if visualizing myself as a wounded animal....

Sorry, probably doesn't make sense to anyone else but me,,,,but am going to go with this and see what happens. Thanks so much @Muse!

 

[shimmerz]

Maybe accepting how I am allows them to accept how they are? All I know is more people are being open with me, and when they do, I am not as triggered. Rather, I feel I understand when the mask comes off that it's brave

Damn this is great! What a powerful thing! Hats off to you Muse!

 

[Eleanor]

The problem with meditation is interesting. Or rather, the extra problem(s) with meditation. I'll have to think on that one.

And in some way

I wonder if in coaxing the inner self back out in a safe way, if having no expectations or demands, same environment stripped of sensory things and just speaking internally would be helpful. Just like a wounded anima

The meditation instruction I got was basically this: Just let your mind (the drunken monkeys in my case) wander in and out, don't judge, don't try to do anything with them, just watch/listen in a friendly quiet way. One thing that helped me (because I always get sucked into the thinking and then... off to the races!) was thinking about my thoughts like they were horses running away, and as I learned to do with my spooky 17 hand thoroughbred, when they start running away "Let Go of the Rope!"

And you are right. This is just what we do with wounded animals. Sit. Quietly. Attend in a friendly way.

 

[shell]

@Muse I want to like your post a thousand times, for me it sums up where I am at. It was only when the blinkers came off, and I truly became a more self compassionate person who let go of some of the shame I put up to hide me from the world, when I stopped being my own abuser, that I started to become a person who questioned, challenged and sought out the answers, and was able to become more at peace with myself.

Up until recently too much of a divided self made me feel too much like my abusers. Thusly, I am my own trigger, my own unending source of perpetuating my trauma and C-PTSD. With internal self-compassion and relating from the core to all aspects of me with love, I resemble my abusers less and less each minute that I love and recognize the experiences of all parts of me as important and as having something positive to offer.

Recognizing that I am nothing like my abusers, gives me a lot of inner peace, that I no longer have to punish myself for not being accepted by them, or for being denigrated and abused by them. For so long I hated the parts of me that were treated that way, now I feel respect, caring, compassion and a little bit of pride at the amazing way it all worked to try and keep me safe and alive. No-one else can truly know what happened to me, to understand me, only I can, and when I learnt to be there for myself, rather than attacking those parts that needed someone to hear them, I no longer felt so alone and misunderstood.

 

[Hope4Now]

With my children (not inner), when they were struggling with something, I would bring things down to their simplest form, really reduce sensory stimulators, lower voice or no voice at all, take all expectations away until they grounded. I wonder if in coaxing the inner self back out in a safe way, if having no expectations or demands, same environment stripped of sensory things and just speaking internally would be helpful. Just like a wounded animal.....I wonder if visualizing myself as a wounded animal....

Sorry, probably doesn't make sense to anyone else but me,,,

Oh but it does. Its the sensory overload (internal and external) that sends me skittering off into scrambled states, flashbacks, etc. I have a REALLY hard time grounding myself and am usually only successful when everything is very quiet and nobody is expecting anything from me and usually when I am lying down (although I can now sometimes do it sitting).

Interesting that my therapist has mentioned something about parts being like wounded wild animals that need a calm, gentle, confident, and patient presence to gain trust. I visualize a bunch of my parts as animals. It is really helpful. (Of course, LOL, with one exception, the animals that "appeared" to me are animals I don't much like or am terrified of...so that tells you something interesing, huh? Parts phobia! Anyway, I'm getting used to them :)).

he problem with meditation is interesting. Or rather, the extra problem(s) with meditation.

Yes. Some of the most bizarre parts of my experience happened last fall when I was meditating with no guidance. That meditation stuff, along with some of the body and energy work I did, is when all this stuff that's still coming up came steaming to the surface. The new psychiatrist I'm seeing told me that I need to be very careful with meditation, mindfulness, and grounding...to make sure all parts are okay with it. Interesting.

 

[Powder]

Unless guided, I cannot do sit meditation. I don't think, because I'm too scared to try; haven't for 13 years.

This is what happened to me every time I tried to do zazen, sit meditation. I sit and try to relax. Then, I do, a little. Suddenly, a darkness is there in front of me, when my eyes are closed, and I can see it anyway. A shadow falls in front of my face, and I begin to suffocate on it, or rather it suffocates me. I feel terror, and I feel like I can't stand one more second of the feeling.

I have to open my eyes, the "list of things to do" comes back online, and I feel better. I vow never to try again. And that was 13 years ago. So now I won't do meditation, unless it is guided by a loving voice. If I try to not think, bad things happen to me.

Can't go to massage either now. I did for a few years for a car accident back pain and got hooked on it. Massage helped me to relax, but I didn't realize then that in the presence of other people, I am always at least somewhat dissociated, especially if touched.

So once a trusted, female massage therapist I knew for years came up upon my left side, my left arm flew out on its own to defend me from attack. This didn't surprise her much, but I've never done that before, like a spooked horse, and I hope to never have an appendage have a mind of its own again. I literally didn't know my arm was going to go up until it already did! There have been few occasions in which I am forced to wonder who is really calling the shots in there.

This was far too unsettling to repeat. I cannot/will not go to massage anymore now. The massage therapist said it's really common for her to see, but it was not common for me, and it frightened me such much that I still run from the memory. It was, to me, a somatic form of "switching" in front of someone. I'm sure one of my "scared little girls" did it.

I'm more mindful since seeing flashbacks, that I was attacked/approached on my left. What I witnessed was also someone else being attacked on their left. So now I notice, even when I'm driving, that I struggle to ever pan and look to my left.

When I turn my head and look to my left, I feel the same fear in my body, like a red alert has gone off for no reason, that I do when I speak from my core self the truth about myself. I feel a "vulnerableness."

Now I know this, I'd have to share this if I pursue EMDR, and it might make that very difficult.

I want to thank everyone for your kindnesses. It was a hard morning, and can't speak from that same self now, but it is heart-warming to read what you thought. The power and strength just leaked out of me this morning. If I grow stronger, there are those inside who protest that they still feel entirely powerless.

In these times, they show me through nightmares, why that is. Then, I'm forced to feel their/my powerlessness, and I get angry and want to defend them, get them justice somehow. While I wait to figure out how that could happen without causing problems, I content myself with helping my students to better their lives. It still leaves much unsolved inside.

 

[Eleanor]

@Muse you have read Peter Levine's stuff, yes? I came to him through his book "trauma-proofing your kids" and the examples he gave were really helpful to me in understanding those somatic reactions.

FWIW It sounds to me like you are well along the path of healing a bunch of those injuries. Feeling powerless (this is directed to the bits that do) is not the same as being powerless NOW. And those reactions are/were the healthy response of a threatened creature. They are important and valuable impulses. Without them, we wouldn't have you now, and that would be a much MUCH poorer world. So thank you arm, and fear, and "scared little girls" for taking care of my friend Muse so she could get here. You done good.

And to Muse now, the anger is very very healthy. No clue what might be done, but the ... imperative... to take care of yourself is a good thing.

I am learning that there is a paradox about vulnerability. It seems for all the world like when we are emotionally vulnerable we are somehow weaker and in a worse position to protect ourselves and survive - that's what the word means for crying out loud. BUT when we know what to DO, when we have skills beyond the hard wired flee, freeze, lash out, when we can strategize and actually know how to fight, then the vulnerability puts us in a better position to protect ourselves. Or rather the capacity to be vulnerable does, it is not always the best move to open our hearts, but sometimes... sometimes it is. Once we have boundaries, and know we are going to defend them.