Structural Dissociation?

[Hope4Now]

I'm posting in this thread with a question instead of starting my own because I think you all might understand the nature of my question. Hope this is okay, Shimmerz...let me know if not and I'll start a new thread.

How do you know when to talk about memories that are coming out when some parts are desperate to talk, but others are freaking out and refusing? I'm feeling like I'm caught in this sort of war of attrition and so uncertain about what to do next. I shared one memory with my therapist a while back. Parts of me were glad for him to know, but I've paid the price internally ever since. A new memory blasted in last week and I've told nobody. Sometimes I go to therapy with a clear idea of what I want to say, then I never say it. Still caught in the silence. How do you decide what to talk about and have it be okay with all your parts? Thanks.

 

[Eleanor]

I have no clue how to answer that question @Hope4Now, but I would ask if the flipping out parts have talked to the T about how freaked out they are? They need to be heard too... By your Self. By the T.

Sometimes the only way out is through. Phobias... well, if you keep avoiding the scary unpleasant stuff... that is just still being phobic, right?

 

[greenleaf]

How do you decide what to talk about and have it be okay with all your parts?

Hi @Hope4Now - this is really tricky for me as my normal everyday part is a lot more connected to the moment and is the "me" that generally talks to people normally. Another part is more emotional responses that sort of bubble up after the fact, seems out of nowhere but has a different "tone" to it than my usual everyday feelings. These emotional responses seem slow to come, partly frozen, or maybe cautious? It's hard to tell what that part is feeling unless the emotions bubble out (it's not verbal), and hard to predict what my reactions from that level will be (or from that part, whatever language is best.) If the part is really unhappy with me talking to my T about something, I think I start losing my train of thought so badly that I can hardly talk. :confused:
So @Eleanor -- for me, dealing with these reactions is not the same as dealing with a normal fear or phobia, as I can't really interact with the feelings/thoughts/part/whatever normally. There are defenses outside of my everyday self's toolset.

The thing that has helped me is something that someone else here suggested in some other post somewhere... I write things in my journal that I am totally aware I'm going to let my T read later; if I'm alone, those feelings that I think are associated with a part are more present, and I can sort of write from that space. I have plenty of time afterwards to decide not to show whatever to her, so hopefully this is enough time for parts to mull things over quietly, and she's been very careful in how she talks about what's in there as she seems to understand the difficulties. Which is good since I can then decide I have no clue what's in that journal between when I've written something and when we talk about it. :whistling:
Even if that part kinda wants to talk about something, I can have a very limited timespan when I can really tolerate being with those emotions. Or something. Then... fog!!!

 

[shimmerz]

Shimmerz...let me know if not and I'll start a new thread.

Let's just do a blanket anything is good in this thread. It is a unique topic and feel it would benefit all if we let it meander where ever it needs to.

I watch very carefully for what 'part' is expressing itself with fair consistency. I determine a 'part' based on their end goal.
1. The part that needs to feign death just for 'being'
2. The part that needs to die because it is the only way she can act out being 'unwanted'
3. The part that must be quiet and keep secrets (mute)
4. The part that must be quiet around others (slithers in the house)
5. The part that needs to hide (go away or dismissal)
6. The part that needs to be invisible (different from hiding - this is more of a not 'being')
7. The part that loves based on need rather than desire

The part that feigns death is the most critical to deal with. It will cause my death. It sucks when attempting to help her because she can not tell her secrets until she is ready or she will activate the mute one and then perhaps the invisible one and/or the unwanted one, depending on how much I push her into breaching her sense of safety.

In other words, many of my parts can be activated at the same time. This can cause great confusion. It may seem like each of these parts, when activated together are a part until itself. I don't believe it is. I feel like it is important for me to bring it down to it's lowest common denominator. That is why I have put together the list (above).

So when I go to the T and notice that more than one part(s) are activated (such as muteness), I work on the smaller issues with him (one that does not threaten the system like my 'dying part' does. It cannot be the focus as it is too big and I know that because it is activating all sorts of other parts to shut me down. Instead, I look for ways that that mute part can express itself differently. Can I write what I feel when mute? Okay then, what does my mute part have to say? STFU???? If my mute part can't express it then perhaps my invisible part can. Can I speak or write it if I imagine I am not invisible?

You see for me it is a process of elimination. One of my parts is the key. If one isn't ready, then I will explore another and so on. But the core idea here is that each part plays a part in keeping the secret.

I am finding I am having such a hard time getting my thoughts together in this thread. I am just realizing that I have been moving text around, sitting here staring into space etc. Please forgive. I don't want to leave the thread but I also know that I am just not with it here either. If you can put up with that I would appreciate it.

 

[Eleanor]

I am finding I am having such a hard time getting my thoughts together in this thread. I am just realizing that I have been moving text around, sitting here staring into space etc

Maybe this is all the bits having a look and thinking it over? Maybe that post WAS a kind of (very brave) group effort?

So, you've got:
1) the Possum
2) the Actress (psycho-drama healing)
3) the Sphinx
4) the Snake
5) the Mouse
6) the Ghost (?)
7) the Baby

One hypothesis: If this is right OF COURSE the Possum rules. The nature of possums is to shut down the system when they feel threatened with attack. How to get the possum to discriminate a bit more and let the others out long enough to learn and integrate...

Writing down, if you can, seems like a pretty good end run around Possum if this is right. No immediate threat - no shut down. Shut-down is dangerous if there is no present danger....

@greenleaf - yeah, I see what you mean. Maybe "phobia" is not quite the right word even tho that is what they use in the literature... it is more like "anosagnosia" if you don't mind another greek word... Maybe getting to the "phobia" stage represents a kind of progress in the healing process. We can't be phobic unless we know something exists...

 

[shimmerz]

Good names to all of those @Eleanor, thank you! Yes, the Possum does rule. So does what you call the Actress (although I am not certain her name is correct. She quietly leaves to die, there is no drama). So the two of them are equally deadly to the system. It seems to me that I am held in this perpetual drama because one element leads to another. For instance, mutism is not conducive to work, which is not conducive to stability, which is not conducive to safety and so on which all leads back to a perpetual need (or reason) to die. Where does she end and where does she begin?

My construct which disintegrated along with the commencement of my PTSD seems to have been keeping it all together. How and for what reason I have yet to determine. I would however, like to build something more solid than a house of cards this time around.

 

[Eleanor]

I'm totally taking shots in the dark here... so ... I could be aiming in entirely the wrong direction. And it is entirely possible I have totally missed the point. But what the hell, nothing ventured...

Possum plays dead to get the threat to meander off to better prey. This leads naturally into the Actress taking over and...

The Actress is re-enacting... possibly in hopes of a better outcome? That is what I'm hoping anyhow. No drama from HER per se - she is just setting the scene to see if the other actors will, you know, DO anything. In this case, the issue would not be eluding a threat, (like Possum) but rather getting some positive helpful attention.

But when attention shows up, the Mouse or the Ghost kick in.

So any constructive intervention is going to have to figure out who is up, and how to address them and their needs.

Possum needs to learn to fight.
The Actress needs a better outcome, more other actors doing good stuff (Maybe initially just noticing she is dead and then MOURNING? Or maybe that would be bad, and she needs them to go into life-saving mode.)
Mouse needs reassurance, and cheese and a nice warm burrow.
Ghost needs a body and connections with the world.

Notice than the right intervention for one is exactly the wrong intervention for the others... Hence the conundrum.

I'm guessing (Ha, like I've done anything else here!) That Snake and Sphinx are later developments, and Baby is the earliest but the most... out of control once she comes out?

How did (if you want to say something about this, but feel free not to, might be too distressing) your ANP collapse?

 

[Hope4Now]

Wow. This is so helpful and interesting. I am in the midst of a total fall apart or come together or something. Am on the run at the moment trying to figure out what parts need what and where. Reading these last few posts is keeping me somewhat tethered to the here and now. I know you all are dealing with the same stuff. That helps. Thanks for being here.

 

[shimmerz]

How did (if you want to say something about this, but feel free not to, might be too distressing) your ANP collapse?

Prior to birth, my birth parents attempted to abort my twin and I quite often, according to my birth father. They were successful with my twin, who died in utero. At 4 days old I had an operation to remove my twin as I had grown around her. While the incisions healed the pain would have been excruciating. I have no true attachment to pain, hunger, cold, heat, etc for this reason.

The Actress needs a better outcome, more other actors doing good stuff (Maybe initially just noticing she is dead and then MOURNING? Or maybe that would be bad, and she needs them to go into life-saving mode.)

Yes, the Actress that you speak of needs someone to attempt life saving. I believe you are right, that mourning may allow the death to be 'complete'. It is interesting to think about though. I played death over and over again for the last 8 years. It has left me in the past 3 months or so. It is interesting to live life again. I don't know what to do with myself now that this part is gone. It sounds crazy, I know, all of this.

Baby is the earliest but the most... out of control once she comes out?

Baby is dangerous. Just like @Pencil said. Relationships and I are not well suited. I feel like this piece needs to be left alone. Baby gets herself into horrendous trouble.

Wow....okay, need to leave this post for now. Thanks so much @Eleanor and @Hope4Now. I feel I can walk through this as long as there is a purpose. Although I get entirely messed up when I touch on this stuff, I feel it is a 'move forward' process.

 

[Hope4Now]

Although I get entirely messed up when I touch on this stuff, I feel it is a 'move forward'

Take it slowly shimmerz. No rush. Don't push yourself to touch on it. Just little peeks now and again. It is movement forward. Just being aware parts exist and they are real is moving forward in healing. Love to you. All of you.

 

[Eleanor]

For when you feel a bit more together... It'll keep....

OMG Shimmerz. I hope I don't offend you by saying what appalling excuses for human beings your so-called parents are. YOU certainly didn't/don't deserve them. You deserve loving nurturing parents, and your poor little twin. I live in California and so that is my excuse for being kind of spooky about twins. And you were trying to protect her. :cry::cry::cry: What a brave soul you are.

As for this:

It sounds crazy, I know, all of this.

"Much madness
is divinest sense
to a discerning eye."

Emily Dickenson nailed it.

 

[shimmerz]

And then there is the humiliated part, for having to regurgitate such a ridiculously unbelievable story.....
*shakes head; fidgets*