Dealing With Being Female

[Deleted member 12723]

I am androgenous now. I hated being a female growing up and it lasted until I got out of high school. I hate being a female but was married to a very good man for thirty six years until he died. I will never get married again, I could not go through the dating thing at all anymore. Too scary for me. I will remain celibate the rest of my life and I am very happy with this.

I have worn dresses and skirts etc but I am a t shirt, flannel shirt and jeans and pretty sweaters now. I was teased badly by both of my parents for my sexuality as a girl growing up. They used to make a ton of jokes at my expense and I was teased at school for being flat chested. In later years I got implants to feel normal and that helped me out so much.

I am not wishing to be a man either. I am what I am and I am working on accepting my fate in this life now.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I'm not going to do any of those things though @FridayJones if you don't mind :roflmao:. I don't hate men and I am not thinking about ways to kill or mutilate them when I have sex with them.

It would be nice if I could find a way to associate more positive themes with my own body, it was mentioned in chat that I make a list of pros and cons of having a female body, but I can't think of any pros. What do you think @the women on here? Can you tell me some pros of having a female body...?

I am pretty androgynous too. I used to want to be a dude actually. Not anymore, but I still don't feel comfortable in societies' image of women either. I get funny looks from girly girls when I pass them by because of my "outdoor adventure" look xD

 

[Ice_Fire]

Erm...not having to suffer being kicked in the balls?!
Not being all hairy over your back and chest (that strikes me as gross, dunno about anyone else)

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

I have my own issues with my femininity (or lack thereof) - I have had a tendency towards emotional extremes, but possess a highly rational mind. "Feelings" were discouraged, "Reason" praised. The explosive "I don't CARE what you FEEL; tell me what you THINK!" - Dad was a rational by temperament and Mom a hyper-emotional, both having extreme, sometimes violent anger issues, especially with each other .... I equated anger with strength and found the only "defense" I had was to out-argue a would-be threat (which my parents deemed mere adolescent defiance and a lack of submission to their authority) .... I didn't see the inconsistency of using a rational argument with extreme emotion, but I DID feel this method was more masculine, and so my own sexual identity was sometimes wrapped up in that too, including wishing I were the opposite sex MUCH of my life ... (I really get the feeling like a revolving door analogy ... I saw femininity as straight up weakness - NOT TRUE , but I believed it nonetheless.)

So whether by conditioning or my own prejudice, I found myself very disdainful of "silly girls" most of my life, and grew to resent my own emotions. When I am triggered, I stuff my emotions in a very stoic (or also violently angry) fashion - this can be very useful, but I almost always have an emotional breakdown when the immediate threat has subsided - always makes me steal away to a private place. Comes in waves - I can go about 6 months, then crash. I see a pattern, and try to take steps to not be so bottled up, etc.

I was molested in jr. high - in part because I developed breasts way earlier and quite a bit larger than ANY of my peers - there are other complications, too, but that was the straw that broke the camel's back, if you'll pardon the bad pun. I started putting on weight and grew to be morbidly obese (in large part to HIDE from sexual attention, and yet simultaneously resenting the lack of it, feeling myself superior to both men AND women because I could elevate mind/spirit over flesh), and I was sexually abstinent, felt androgynous (if only I could chop off those d*mn breasts!), and while I longed for a relationship, always pushed people away, and then resented them for leaving ... My sexual desires complicated matters, too, because I wasn't driven to desire "sex" in what seemed the normal way .. I now know I am more of "pan romantic demi sexual" which basically means I need a deep emotional connection irrespective of the kind of sexual body the soulish object of my affection might happen to occupy. And I let VERY few people get close enough to HAVE a DEEP emotional connection (cuz that involved trust, and I always expected people to run away if they knew the real me) ...

It wasn't until the past couple years that I was "set free" inside, enough, to realize that God hadn't made me for the path of self-destruction I was living. I believe God gave me a vision of the woman he INTENDED me to be - I have lost 148 lbs to date, went from a size 26 to a size 8, and am now in the most healthy, meaningful relationship I've ever had - with a man who happens to suffer from the (beautiful) complexities of (complex) PTSD-DID, but pretty much loves the fact I still "think like a dude" and don't (usually) let my emotions rule my decisions ....

As for my body? My man and I had some issues figuring out how to love one another with touch - between our respective issues, and dealing with flashbacks, et al, it was a complex mess at times, but we were determined to be patient with each other, to show grace to one another no matter what ("There are no 'mistakes' inside this relationship"), and to marry my complete inexperience with his wealth of experience in a way that is healthy and loving for BOTH of us. The fact he and I were already committed to being lifelong friends for over 5 years before we became "something more" proved to be an essential foundation of trust and patience and gentleness (when appropriate) ... and assertiveness (when appropriate) .... ;)

I *still* struggle with being female - I have no patience for what I perceive to be emotional fluff (including my own) which seems more often prevalent with girls, and I am a more assertive/dominant personality which feels decidedly masculine, especially in my work environment which is primarily male. Sometimes I feel I am more "feminine" everywhere BUT work, but it doesn't upset me like it used to .... I am finally beginning to LIKE who I am in my own skin ....

This is a VERY great and helpful thread :)

:hug: 's to ALL!

~S2B

 

[Anarchy]

Not being all hairy over your back

careful you don't say that within earshot of an Afrikaaner.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

@ptsdspouse2b the first paragraph, was like I'm reading a story about me! I have the same exact tendency towards rationality, yet extreme emotion, the same tendency towards arguing everything away in a rational battle (although I am learning to let that go) and even the same kind of parents (extremely rational dad and explosive, volatile mother). As a consequence, I never learned to manage my emotions the right way.

I think women are geared towards valuing deep emotional connections with a significant other, I read somewhere that "men will teach a woman to discover her sexual self, women teach men to open their hearts...". Your guy sounds awesome, glad you two figured it out together.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I HATE being female. Yep, there I said it. Not like I want to be a guy or anything, though.

I absolutely loved the fact that my system was so messed up that I only had a reminder of being female maybe 4 times a year. Of course, it wasn't until I was in my mid 30's that this issue got straightened out (through neurofeedback, I refused hormone pills). Now I've learned to ignore it to the best of my abilities.

And when you go from being a REALLY ugly female to a female who isn't so bad looking, you really can see the difference in how society treats you. Its disgusting to know that I'm primarily valued for my appearance. I have told people this, but they say its all in my head. They say that everyone is judged by looks. Then again, very few people have such a drastic change in such a short period of time, going from bad ----> good. I'm the same person I always was, only now I know that people are nice to me only because of how I look. It really is a mind f*ck.

 

[LuckyDuck]

It was elephant pants and band shirts for me for the whole of high school. For me it was because at grade 4 I already had a bra, had my first period and the like. I wasn't ready in the emotional sense, but it didn't matter to the lil' ol' hormones!

I've been a tomboy even up to last week. It's something that will always be a part of me, and won't ever fully leave. Not that I want it to.

I had issues with my body from grade 4-up, and still do sometimes. I mostly wear jeans and shirts I feel comfortable in. I look sort of 90's but it's what I like.

It doesn't mean I don't appreciate a good look of a dress (it has to be one I like. Otherwise, jeans and tank) but I prefer to stay within my comfort zone. Dresses are mostly out, thanks to religious meetings. But they're not yet passé.

I used to worry what kind of guy would find me pretty enough to date. Used to. It took time, but I found guys I dated were interested in me for me and not what I wore.

My geting comfortable with myself was a long journey. From elephant pants to jeans that are snuggish. I don't wear as much baggy now. I get moments where I'm good with my looks. I get moments where that full-length mirror better be facing the wall! It's a daily thing in some ways and some ways not. In the end, my body is rhe best tool I will ever have, so I do my best with what I've got.

LD

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I am okay with my looks though. It's really more the body in itself that I dislike. I love elephant pants! I started wearing them much later, at twenty-two. I still have them, they're quite psychedelic, but they really draw attention so I avoid them for now.

I'm the same person I always was, only now I know that people are nice to me only because of how I look.

Hey! Were did the chocolate stabbing lady go. You're right though, society IS geared towards looks, and I don't like it when people say it isn't, either. Otherwise why are photographs the first and foremost thing on a dating site? People are always choosy based on looks, even I am. And people always judge based on looks, even I do. Even though now and then I find out that I'm wrong about my judgement (the other day I spoke to a guy who seemed hippie to me, and he said he used to wear tuxedo's for fun).

Then again when people really take the time for you, and find out who you are, they will stick around much longer than those who only picked you for your looks.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

I read somewhere that "men will teach a woman to discover her sexual self, women teach men to open their hearts..."

LOVE this .. very fitting!

I absolutely loved the fact that my system was so messed up that I only had a reminder of being female maybe 4 times a year.

Oh dear, this was me, too. My obesity was also tied to a diagnosis of PCOS which really messes with your menstrual cycle. I was always dealing with major pain and inconsistent cycles, but harbored this secret delight that I didn't actually HAVE a cycle but once every few months. Now that I've lost the weight, my body has been HEALING, and I have regular cycles - quite frankly, I'm not sure but that this has also helped with some of my emotional extremes as my hormones have become more regulated .. Hm.

And when you go from being a REALLY ugly female to a female who isn't so bad looking, you really can see the difference in how society treats you. Its disgusting to know that I'm primarily valued for my appearance.

I get THIS one, too! I was SO resentful of men for being so "visually oriented" .. being obese was in some ways my "revenge" .. but I didn't realize I was also TESTING people by it. Oh yeah? Let's see if you can see past THIS to the real me! It was like a disguise, and then I could paint my personality on as I saw fit in the moment. I was loud and literally threw my weight around. With "sex" off the table, I felt more in control, more confident. (Twisted irony?) And I HATED the prejudice I saw around me in the culture towards "fat" people. Still, having lost the weight, I find people are SOOOOO different towards me. I was in the Laundromat, and had 3 different people help or offer to help - one guy helped me carry baskets in, one gal offered to help me fold, another young guy gave me his extra quarters, etc. It's like this *everywhere* and I really wrestled with the everyone-being-kind-only-cuz-they-aren't-offended-by-my-appearance?! One thing that helps me avoid RAGE on this very thing is: I had to work VERY hard to lose this weight - and now I don't look at OTHER people the same way anymore, either. Because I know areas where they could make changes, and for their own reasons haven't had that "aha" moment, or don't want it. So I kinda look at a "nice" appearance as a "reward" for hard work, and choose to respect the hard WORK that went into either obtaining or maintaining it ... That takes a little of the edge off my bite. ;)

My geting comfortable with myself was a long journey.

Meeeee Tooooo! I didn't even KNOW who I was, or largely what I wanted. At times I thought I did - I think at times I might have been more apt to see what OTHER people had (smarts, coy flirt skills, etc.) and inwardly RAGE over the unfairness of it all ... Now, I practice a lot more gratitude, trying to be thankful for what I DO have, and paying more attention to removing undesirable traits (one current project is realizing that I have one kind of laugh that I knowingly offer ONLY to "flatter" the other person, which I don't like cuz it means I'm giving their good opinion of me too much importance, and I HATE being "fake" or manipulative .. so I'm trying to observe when I do this so I can try to get a better grip on the "people pleasing" side) .....

As an aside, how can I be SO "people pleasing" on the one hand, but SO angry/resentful/near-vitriolic in DESPISING what other people think - even JUDGING them for being so stupid or blind or whatever - on the other? *pots to thonder*

~S2B

 

[Deleted member 1860]

LOL @Radise, I brought the chocolate stabbing lady back by request!