General Help My Husband Has PTSD

[Shoka]

Hello Copswife,

I'm a cops girlfriend and can offer a little hope, my bf has witnessed several shootings
and other "urban warfare" incidences. He has been getting help since October and though the going has been S-L-O-W, things have improved.

I will admit that I got to therapy before he did and that is what has helped me. I still take things one day at a time, but I have seen an improvement. Be sure to get help for yourself even if he won't go. You can't control him, but you can help yourself.

Best wishes that things improve
Shoka

 

[andrea]

Auliihoku,
So sorry to hear about your situation. my husband has ptsd also and it has been very difficult to live with. Please know you are not alone and that even without knowing, others are thinking of you, hoping things get better.

 

[Shoka]

Dear AuliiHoku,

I'm so sorry for the pain and suffering you are going through. Do you have an understanding of where his PTSD came from? Is he in treatment?

I do know that sometimes PTSD can change the face of relationships forever, and I also know that sometimes that isn't the worst thing in the world. It's painful to go through, but you really do need to take care of yourself and keep your life progressing as much as possible while he is going through this. To some degree it will take some pressure off of him if he knows you are living your life and taking care of yourself.

I am sure the uncertainty of what is going to happen is terrible, but remember you have choices too. It's hard to think you're losing someone and still have hope that it might work out. I do know what that feels like. On those occasions, I've tried to focus on myself and less on the other person, because it can become unhealthy to wonder constantly about him-him-him and what he's going to do or not going to do next. There's a healthy letting go that I've found has restored me to a sense of serenity and peace. It's not an easy practice to apply, that is letting go, but in the end, for me, it's been the only thing that has ever helped.

I wish you joy and peace,
Shoka

 

[arizonagirl]

Having a VERY HARD TIME need support CONFUSED

I am very torn right now.

20 months ago, 8 months after I got married, my husband suffered a brain injury. To make a long story short, he is back at his corporate job, he drives, he works in the yard etc. For the Past two years I have battled with depression and his verbal inappropriateness to me. Very derogatory and verbally mean.

I cannot talk to him. Everytime I try, its always what now, aren't you ever happy? You have everything here to make you happy. Tangible things don't bring happiness.

I have suffered myself from PTSD from the accident even though it didn't happen to me. I feel like I am damn if I do and I am damn if I don't. I was seeing a counsellor and when things got better I stopped, big mistake. I have begged and asked him to go to a counsellor. He refuses. He thinks he is fine.

Everytime I attempt to set a boundary I am told if I don't like it, then go. This hurts deeply. I am on a roller coaster ride and I want off. I love my husband, I have no clue what to do. Everyone says take care of you. Most say leave. I am distraught. I want to be happy. How do I ignore this and let this go in 1 ear and out the other?

 

[Shoka]

I am very torn right now.

For the Past two years I have battled with depression and his verbal inappropriateness to me. Very derogatory and verbally mean.


Everytime I attempt to set a boundary I am told if I don't like it, then go. This hurts deeply. I am on a roller coaster ride and I want off. I love my husband, I have no clue what to do. Everyone says take care of you. Most say leave. I am distraught. I want to be happy. How do I ignore this and let this go in 1 ear and out the other?

Hi Arizonagirl,

Sounds like some verbal abuse is going on. One of the things I've learned here is that PTSD is NO EXCUSE for any kind of abuse.

I wouldn't ignore the verbal abuse at all. You can't control whether he goes to see a counselor or not. But it does sound like you getting the help you need is critical at this point.

I'm sorry for your pain, it is depressing to be treated badly- and confusing with the PTSD. Everyone who has told you that you should take care of yourself first is right. That can be hard to actually believe when you have someone else being verbally demeaning. But you have got to be gentle with yourself and go see someone to help you through the depression and help you fortify your boundaries. You have to keep your boundary too- it's not just about the other person respecting it. If they don't respect the boundary, you have to do something about it to see that it stays in place.

Please take care!:Hug_emoticon:

Shoka

 

[Nicolette]

How do I ignore this and let this go in 1 ear and out the other?

Sorry to be brutally honest however this is not the best type of thinking if you want a healthy relationship. :naughty:

You have to work on a relationship and sort out the problems....not teach yourself to ignore abuse!

 

[fin]

I would like to add to this also, that if he is being verbally abusive and you are allowing and tolerating it ... then you are encouraging this behaiour and enabling it also. And that will do him harm in the long run also, because if not challenged in some way (and I am not saying challenge him defiantly or anything in case that escalates the situation also) I mean if you continue down this road without taking yourself into account then you will not be able to help him either anyway for much longer.

He needs to know respect, people need to know that there are boundaries and where they are and how you impose or rather explore those boundaries has to be done lovingly also in my opinion but if you are past that point at present then I would make sure above all else your integrity is safe and if that means you have to take steps to impose restrictions of some kind I would encourage you to do so.

This is my opinion ok, please do not take my thoughts as a literal document of what to do .... what you need to do is find what works for you best, it may not be that leaving him (as you have said has been suggested) is necessarily the right course of action for you... but only you will know what is right for YOU.

I would encourage you also please to do what it rigth and good for you always FIRST... please know that if you become ill he will have no one perhaps to help him...maybe this is another way of looking at your situation. I hope that things work out for you

PLease take care and know you are not alone here, there is good understanding support here and encouragement all around this forum... please read what you can and please, please take care of your needs first.~

 

[adrenaline]

Auliihoku,

I feel very much like you. I will share a little bit of my story, maybe you can get some helpful hints from it.

My gf started pushing me away hardly since our relationship evolved to levels of deep intimacy, love and commitment. She's freaking out now and trying to move out. She has been telling me she doesn't love me in the way she thought and that she cannot handle the way I love her. At the same time she says she needs a time out to try to figure out her feelings as everything seems a big blur. Fortunately, she has been getting help (4 sessions - 1 EMDR) but it has had a mixed effect on her. She gets very close and lovely one day and then she migrates to the opposite side in the blink of an eye and stays pretty much there, distant and trying to shut me out harder and harder every time.

I have been working a lot into myself trying to "detach with love", to use the terms someone used in another forum, and it seems to work quite well with her for some time. I guess I haven't been too good at it though. As soon as she starts getting closer to me I also start being more expressive of my feelings and that acts as an instant trigger to her :( It's frustrating to me that I am her main trigger no matter what I do :(

Living with PTSD is a tough journey but I will walk with her as long as she lets me... I choose to. It's our choice as carers but sufferers needs to play a role as well. A relationship is a two-way street.

I wish you the best Auliihoku.

 

[mrsempty]

Jenu00, I printed your post here after reading it, so I could carry it with me and know i'm not alone or crazy. Anymore it seems no matter what the problem is I have, simple or not, he tells me it's me getting irrational over something, and to just let it go. It only serves to make me feel worse when he wont listn to whats wrong with me, when I'm nothing but supportive of him. Everything is my fault and like someone else said here I'm damned if I do, damned if i dont, so i either talk and risk a fight, no matter how carefully I word or time the conversation, or I just keep it to myself and let it fester that he has no idea whats going on in MY head.

What i've learned here is that I have to give him that boundary, that he has to be able to listen to my problems too. I'm not a doormat, and I have to take care of my own sanity as a carer.

I've had the comments of I shold stay, and i should go. And it's so difficult to walk away when i do still love him so much.

My only hope anymore is that counseling will help with our communication. But it's also a neverending battle that I'm only starting to realize by reading things here.

Only you can decide whats best for you, and how much YOU can handle.

I hope things improve for you. As I'd never wish this for anyone.

M.E.

 

[MrsClaire]

I understand, here's my problem

Hey there ladies,
Yep, I'm reading this all and relating to most of it. I have been going out of my mind dealing with a husband who is still recovering from PTSD. It happened long ago and he got treatment. I hooked up with him about 5 years ago. It took me a while to understand why he shook like a leaf whenever I touched him.
We have had some rough patches. Things got nice around our wedding, but recently, I have found that I am becoming increasingly frustrated. He is not exactly violent with me, but he punches walls, slams doors, screams (not always at me, but at the whole world). I know all of his trigger words, sounds and smells and I'm dealing with that as best I can.
Reading about the "reaction" being as debilitating as an epileptic fit rings true in my house. He chokes on his own breath, coughs, splutters and spits, he also has a kind of "skip" or "jump" on the spot as he gets it out of his system.
The main things for me are;
1. Mood swings: one second he is fine, then something happens and he yells, and then one moment later he seems to be ok again.
2. He hates kissing. Does not wish to give me any sexual pleasure at all, just wants me to hop on and do my thing without any "warm ups" if you catch my drift.
3. I have to brush my teeth in secret. If he finds me brushing my teeth he has a tantrum.
4. He does not enjoy going out with my friends, so he does not go. However, if I go out, or even want to go out, I'm "abandoning him", or I "don't love [him]". My friends care, but they are just as frustrated as I am.

This seems pretty embarrasing, putting it out there like that, but I'm only 27 years old! I'm in my prime! And somehow I have to deal with this?!
There are only so many times that you can stand to be pushed away and told that you "stink". I don't stink! I'm fine! It's just his PTSD that makes him react to me like that. Right?

Please, some advice or encouragement. I feel like I'm in a prison.
Are any of you guys feeling the same?
I love him, but I don't know if I can handle walking on egg shells for the rest of my life.
Sincerely,
MrsClaire