General More Meta-discussion: So Would It Be Okay To Just Say What Kind Of Response You Are Expecting?

[Deleted member 28812]

I am not sure if it was okay to write this in @Notsowild's thread. I don't want to derail it.
If yes, please feel free to move it there.

My question: Is it okay to say what kind of response you are expecting?

Example: My sufferer displays a behaviour X. I cannot make him "stop doing that" and I wan't to see if there are others doing the same... and I actually don't want to hear about how I should stop judging him or whatever.

Can I just ask: Can only people who are doing this or have a spouse who does X answer that question?

I really don't see it as pity party if I want to see that I am not alone... and as for "bootstrap". I mean obviously this is not about my bootstraps but about my husbands and sometimes he might chose not to use them and sometimes it might take a time... and until then I will have to live with that symptom for a time and until then it is very helpful to know that you are not alone.

I am mostly not talking about this board but about a support group and other boards where people would sometimes feel offended by the fact I was struggeling with a symptom my husband displayed and they said things like "Well, if you cannot live with X you just need to have a divorce. Leave your husband alone. Can't you see he is suffering?".

To give an example of the kind of discussion I find most helpful. I wrote about my husband sometimes sleeping outside of the bed and I learned that there were some people who did the same and some spouses whose Vet did the same.

Sometimes it is good to know you just have to live with something for a while and that there are others in the same position... or is this negative thinking?

Actually whenever I tried to "fix him" it did not work and now I just think I will have to get used to some things and maybe... well just maybe I will have to live with some things for the rest of our lives and I have to find a way how to deal with this and so I am trying to learn from other people who have to live with the same.

Would you say that this is negative thinking and unwillingsness to move on? Sometimes I think some of his symptoms like hypervigilance/dislike of crowds and restaurants will never get cured because they have become part of his character.

 

[digger]

Is it okay to say what kind of response you are expecting?

Can only people who are doing this or have a spouse who does X answer that question?

I think it's fine to do that. I think most people would respect that. I find it more helpful and less frustrating to hear in the first post that someone would prefer a certain type of response, if that is something that really matters to them, than get a backlash from them later because you said something they didn't want to hear. If someone has specifically asked not to receive a certain type of response, and that is my response, I won't answer. Similarly, if someone says they would prefer only supporters to answer, or only people who have had X experience, I would respect that too.

Apart from anything else it means people aren't wasting their time and energy writing responses that the poster isn't going to read because it wasn't what they were looking for. Sometimes the best advice though isn't what we thought we were looking for and so I guess the downside is that sometimes you might do yourself out of hearing a valuable perspective that might not have occurred to you and could have been helpful.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

:)
Thanks!

I am thinking of the offline support group I used to be a member of now. Sometimes I was wanting to say "Could everybody please shut up about CSA? Because I asked a question specific to combat PTSD" like asking a question about New Year's Eve or whatever an d just got a general answer which I felt was more about them then about my husband when I wanted a ver specific answer to a very specific question like how to cope with New Year's Eve.

So sometimes I feel like wanting to ask only Vet's and spouses for an answer but then I feel like this is impolite...

Please don't get me wrong. I don't want people to "shut up" though I used that word but what I meant is that their answers where not helpful in the situation outlined above.

 

[Seagreen]

I think what youre asking is reasonable. Communication in text leaves a lot to the imagination. Any time you clarify something you reduce the chance of someone missunderstanding you.

 

[joeylittle]

Actually whenever I tried to "fix him" it did not work and now I just think I will have to get used to some things and maybe... well just maybe I will have to live with some things for the rest of our lives and I have to find a way how to deal with this and so I am trying to learn from other people who have to live with the same. Would you say that this is negative thinking and unwillingsness to move on?

I don't think it's negative thinking at all - it really strikes me as acceptance. The good kind of acceptance, where you embrace the uncomfortable things, stop fighting against them, and learn how to live your life with them.

Also, I think it's always fine to frame a question for someone. Like you are saying - asking how other people have dealt with a certain thing, and how to learn to accept it, or things they found that helped.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

I don't think it's negative thinking at all - it really strikes me as acceptance. The good kind of acceptance, where you embrace the uncomfortable things, stop fighting against them, and learn how to live your life with them.

Oh I am derailing a thread again but at least this time it is my own. I have to say I am very much unlike this. I am stubborn like a mule and I never, never, never give up which can be one of my best traits but also one of my worst... but now I realized I have to give up on some ideas of "normal life", like "normal young people go dancing with their spouse" or whatever... don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing yet.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

BTW my husband struggles with that, too. He feels that people think he is not normal anymore or crazy or whatever.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Wow. That's kind of rude. Maybe that's a German thing? People would go up in arms if a csa survivor said "stfu you combat people!"

You assume that both types of ptsd are different. You ignore the possibility of overlap. You can ask for specific types of replies but people will still reply as they see fit. You can't control that.

 

[Chava]

I see a couple really different questions here. Yes, I think it's okay to suggest what kind of response you are looking for....like sometimes I say, "I'm not really looking for advice just if others relate", etc, or I ask for advice or suggestions.

But no, I don't really think it's okay to shutdown the responses you get if they are maybe meant to be helpful but are about CSA and not combat trauma (likely the responders in that group were trying to relate and help, and shutting them up is like ultimate shame on top of shame if you can't talk in the support group). I know you didn't do that. But even if you say, "I'm wondering if other combat PTSD suffers...." and get a response from CSA sufferer, accept it kindly. Ditto @Solara

That group connection is part of healing because trauma is so disconnecting. I know some people turn their "helpful" responses into stories about them. I believe they are trying to relate and it somehow loses track. I do it myself sometimes. I'm far from perfect. I'm disorganized. PTSD is PTSD though the particular stories differ. That's okay. I go to AA. We're very different there too, like some people drank wine for decades while others went right to hard liquor and woke up in jail within the first few years of their drinking, but so many of our feelings and struggles are the same. Sharing is a way of connecting and healing.

So yes, basically, ask for what you want. That's often helpful to others. But probably be clear up front and respectfully accept what is given. And if you don't want to hear from CSA survivors leave that support group so you don't inadvertently shame any of them further. Yes, try online and combat-specific. It sounds like you are looking more for very specific responses and connections and it's helpful to know what you need and are looking for in your recovery.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

That's what I thought - not said. Why did I think this? Because I had the feeling that some answers some people in this face-to-face support group gave me had zero to do with my husband and that they cared a sh... about my husband and me and just were looking for a chance to drag everybody down and wallow in their misery. Don't wanna say that they generally should shut up about it - just wished that some people in the context of this group would have done that.

Can be compaired with a person who ask a question about holidays in Spain and what places to visit and another person comes and tells her everything about her holidays in Italy which she never wanted to know.

I am sorry for being that honest but none of those people is here reading this.
By the way I left that group and am not coming back.

Maybe I do the same sometimes. I dunno.

There are other reasons why I feel that I sometimes just want to ask for answers from spouses or people with the same kind of trauma. I noticed that they have many things in common both the triggers, but also how they are dealing with them. Add to that that some people judge a professional soldier and his spouse harshly (at least were I am from) or use his PTSD as a starting point for a discussion about politics. Not sure If you read it @owl1982 and me were talking about this. The only combat PTSD board/support in my country we both know of has been "infested" by people who use it to discuss the contras of a military intervention and those are very rude, calling names and so on.

By the way I would be fine with being told not to enter a discussion about CSA. If someone is asking a question related to CSA and I go on and on about something not related I would be fine with being asked to shut up.

 

[Chava]

I would be fine with being asked to shut up

Most people would not.

I understand sort of what you're saying. You want more specific support. That's fine. Let go of the resentment you have against others who are suffering. They probably aren't meaning to drag you down. But enough on that. It sounds good if you recognize you need to move on.

 

[holdenmonty]

I think it's perfectly fine to say my husband is experiencing X and wondering from any combat PTSD suffers or supporters could provide their input on if they do the same thing or maybe how I could help my husband when he is experiencing X wouldn't be in appropriate at all. But since it seems like the other which I'm assuming CSA means sexual assault there will probably a few responses from their perspective but to me they should only post if it relates to what your husband is experiencing. But I don't know about other suffers but I tend to ramble like I probably am now but when I do respond to try and help I do my best to keep it relevant to what the thread is about.