Surprisingly Calm About This

[shimmerz]

I have a history of people (ex et al) stalking me. I have been at my sons for the past two weeks. Only certain people would know this. Normally I get all freaked out in houses but since my trip to California I have not been triggered up at all about it, which I thank god or whoever for because this would be a really bad time to get all freaked out like I used to.

I smoke. I took a coffee cup 3 days ago, filled it with snow, and put my cigarette butts into it. I haven't emptied it since and am leaving here today. It is right in the corner of the front porch, right beside the front door. My cigarette's have brown filters. I don't smoke any other type of cigarettes. Ever.

I am leaving here today so went to pick the cup up and noticed not one, but two cigarettes in the cup with white filters. I looked at the cup and it took a minute or two for me to register what I was seeing. My brain scrambled into the archives to maybe recall whether I would possibly have smoked a different type of cigarette for some odd reason. I picked the white butt out and noticed the second one. Two????

Unless someone was hanging out on the front porch, nobody would have seen the cup there. People don't generally come to the front porch and hang out. My son doesn't smoke, nor do his friends. Nobody has come to visit in the past couple of days. This house is well set back from the road, you would have to be up on the porch and right by the front door to see the cup, let alone use it.

Can someone help me out here with a possible explanation that doesn't make my head go wild? I am trying not to 'go there' and I am surprisingly calm as this would normally have spun me completely around back in the trigger days. There has to be a plausible reason right?

 

[scout86]

There has to be a plausible reason right?

Right. Someone selllng Girl Scout cookies? Is the mail delivered to the house? Is anything delivered to the house? What's the snow situation like? Any potential for seeing tracks other than your own?

Going right to the worst case scenario, does your ex smoke cigarettes with white filters? Is your ex still motivated enough to hire someone who smokes cigarettes with white filters to stalk you? Is your ex crazy enough to plant cigarette butts just to freak you out?

There's probably a nice, reasonable, safe explanation. Most of the time, that's the way it works. Sometimes it's a long ways from obvious though. I have a whole category of stuff labeled "Great Unsolved Mysteries of the Universe" for things like this.

I'm glad the new and improved shimmerz isn't freaking out. Think "situational awareness", not "hyper vigilance." (Did you mention this to your son? HE might have an explanation.)

 

[shimmerz]

Did you mention this to your son? HE might have an explanation.

No. My status today is about him. He is on the Mom is crazy bandwagon.

Someone selllng Girl Scout cookies? Is the mail delivered to the house? Is anything delivered to the house? What's the snow situation like? Any potential for seeing tracks other than your own?

I didn't think about the snow but I have been really good (unfortunately) about shovelling the snow. Driveway is clean as a whistle dammit. Mail and all other things are delivered to a box down the street. Any friend would have called first, they all know how flipped out I used to get if someone even knocked on the door. Thank god I am not like that right now.

Is your ex still motivated enough to hire someone who smokes cigarettes with white filters to stalk you? Is your ex crazy enough to plant cigarette butts just to freak you out?

Yes to the hire issue. It was just this past summer that there was a huge issue about my OHIP being cancelled because I was 'hiding' my address. I am certain the psychopathic brother in law did that to me. I flipped at the time, called them, explained my situation, was hysterical on the way to 'fix' my address. Long story, all bad. Thank god I am not like that right now. Sorry to keep repeating myself. Needs to be a mantra.

Think "situational awareness", not "hyper vigilance."

Yep, got it. I am aware, not freaking, which is good. I am leaving here tonight, which is also good, but back again in a week.

The thing is, in order for there to be two cigarettes (even one doesn't make any sense but I will walk down that path), but for two of them, someone either had to have come back twice (and normally people don't walk up to someone's front door with a lit cigarette), or they hung out at the front or as you suggest, someone put them there to freak me (or someone, doesn't have to be me because it isn't my house) out.

I feel like this is going to be the story of my life. This has been going on for years now (and no, I am not diagnosed as paranoid, although the doctors looked into it because my story is so ridiculous). If this was just an illusion, I would think that I wouldn't just be flipping out every time something 'whacked out' happened. I feel like anyone, even someone without my past, would get freaked out by this. Is that right? Someone, I feel, seriously wants me to go stark raving mad. Not.going.to.happen. It would just make me feel better if there was a sound reason here. I don't see one yet. Thanks for throwing those ideas out there @scout86

 

[shimmerz]

Is my reasoning rational in these posts? Do I seem off? I need honesty here.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Does your son smoke (and maybe not want you to know about it)? Or a girlfriend or friend of his?

I think as scout86 said there are plenty of other reasons why there maybe another butt in there, so I would just note it but leave it at that and not worry. (Me find that impossible too, thoughts run in my head about what my ex might be doing) Your not being crazy, just hypervigilant which is fine and you have good reason, but just at the moment it could be explained by other more likely things (I hope)

 

[scout86]

I feel like anyone, even someone without my past, would get freaked out by this.

I'm reasonably sure that someone without your past (or something like it) would not have noticed. People can be remarkably unobservant.

Is my reasoning rational in these posts? Do I seem off? I need honesty here.

You sound totally rational to me.

For a start, no one is paranoid if someone really IS out to get them. In your case, the first question that comes to MY mind is how much has your ex moved on with his life and how motivated is he REALLY to still be messing with you? Going out of his WAY to mess with you?

I have a few neighbors. The family that lives across the road from me.... awhile back this woman came over and introduced herself as the new girl friend and then launched into a dramatic tale about her abusive ex, and restraining orders and bar fights, etc. Some time after that, when I was at my AM part time job, a sheriff's deputy drove into the yard, looking for ME. (OH joy!) Turns out someone had vandalized the new GF's car and they wanted to know if I'd seen anything unusual. They thought the perp may have parked at the end of my driveway and walked across the road. I said that I hadn't seen anything but that I also hadn't noticed any unusual tracks in the driveway. THAT got me a look from the deputy. I pointed out that it was just me and the dogs and I LOOK to see if there are unusual tracks when I drive in. He said he thought that was a good idea and more people should pay more attention. Then I mentioned that I'd noticed a gold Cadillac in the neighborhood a couple of times right around the time of the incident. (Hey, it's a rural area and it's usually the same cars all the time and a GOLD CADILLAC? HERE???) Now he was really impressed. Turns out that's what the crazy ex BF drives. I'm NOT paranoid, I'm observant. (Ok, I might have a tendency to go off on paranoid tangents once in awhile.) .

But, what, if any evidence have you got on your ex's current state of mind? Are you still worth the trouble, in HIS mind? (No reflection on your real worth, we all think you're plenty worthwhile.) But, it's been awhile and what you're talking about seems kind of out there. Is he STILL that motivated? I can see him messing with you if it was easy. Would this have been easy?

More than likely, there's a less exotic explanation. (You don't have another "self" that smokes a different brand of cigarettes, do you?)

 

[sun seeker]

(((shimmerz)))

Is my reasoning rational in these posts?

Scared, but understandably so. Not irrational. Irrational would be all over the place, full of typos, contradicting and backtracking. You're scared, not irrational. I'd be scared too.

Someone, I feel, seriously wants me to go stark raving mad.

Possibly. But you're not going to go there.

You know your ex and we don't, but I think if this were a stalker he had hired to freak you out, he would have instructed the stalker to be a bit more obvious. It's only because you are cleaning house to leave that you even noticed. You have no idea how long they've been there. Wouldn't a stalker leave more obvious evidence?

Can you walk around the property and see if anything else seems off?

I'm really glad you're leaving today, though. And where you're going next... don't shovel the driveway so thoroughly.

 

[sun seeker]

Sorry, I just reread where you said they weren't there three days ago, so actually you do have some idea how long they've been there. So either this happened sometime while you were out, or someone was on your porch smoking while you were there, but didn't knock (seems unlikely). That should narrow it down. Maybe that's obvious, but in your place I'd be having trouble thinking clearly. It seems likely whoever left the butts would have come at a time when you were out and found you not at home. If they'd known you were going to be out and wanted to take advantage of the situation to do something to threaten you, I still think they would have vandalized the house, left hate mail stuck to the door or something like that. But then, you know your ex and we don't. Would he be likely to do something as subtle as this?

 

[shimmerz]

Does your son smoke (and maybe not want you to know about it)? Or a girlfriend or friend of his?

My son, his wife and daughter are in Florida. My son is on a plane on his way back now, so no, not them.

You don't have another "self" that smokes a different brand of cigarettes, do you?

Nope. Wish I did. I don't DID out. I remember everything. Scout I wish I observed like you do. That is one of the things. For me to notice it had to have been entirely out of place. Now, because I don't want to be here anymore, I packed up the car and, yep, you guessed it. It didn't start. A three hour wait now. It will be dark by then. After this I was hoping to get out of here before dark.

You know your ex and we don't, but I think if this were a stalker he had hired to freak you out, he would have instructed the stalker to be a bit more obvious. It's only because you are cleaning house to leave that you even noticed. You have no idea how long they've been there. Wouldn't a stalker leave more obvious evidence?

My ex used to leave 'calling cards' when he stalked me before. A regular thing of his was to leave duMaurier cigarette butts outside of my garage when I moved out. It was a thing of his because we both smoked and he knew I would notice. The property here isn't that big, so I can see all around it and nothing looks out of place.

Possibly. But you're not going to go there.

Not in an emotional way no and am still able somehow to be keeping it together. Right now I am more focused on getting out of here. *heavy sigh*.

Would he be likely to do something as subtle as this?

Yes. Always. He would break into the house and leave a freaking book open, move things, damage my bike that was in the basement, leave the door slightly ajar for chrissakes. Thing is, it made me sound crazy back when I was reactive so the police would always just look at me as if I was nuts. They never helped. At least I am not reactive. I am just concerned that it is starting again.

Yes, I am grateful too that I am leaving. I hate this crazy making crap. I feel like I know what I am looking at but at the same time I go to this question.

But, what, if any evidence have you got on your ex's current state of mind? Are you still worth the trouble, in HIS mind?

I would prefer not to be. They really are sick jerks though. I just have to remember here that my only job is to not react. Just chill. Seriously, I will never be able to live safely without covering my tracks. It just isn't right. Maybe that is the point of all of this. Just letting me know that he won't ever let me live a normal life again. Just a reminder. I can see him when he said that. Apparently he meant it.

 

[illusionist]

It couldn't be the postman having a sneaky drag on his rounds possibly?

 

[sun seeker]

Yes. Always. He would break into the house and leave a freaking book open, move things, damage my bike that was in the basement, leave the door slightly ajar for chrissakes. Thing is, it made me sound crazy back when I was reactive so the police would always just look at me as if I was nuts. They never helped.

Okay, I'm getting a better picture now. This is gaslighting stepped up several notches.

So, let's change how we're looking at this. How many times have you been out of the house in the past three days? (It's okay if you don't want to answer that, just think about it.) Now, how many people did you tell you were going out at those times? How much do you trust them?

Does your ex smoke? You may have said that already but it's freezing here and I need to go get the fire going.

 

[shimmerz]

Mail is delivered to a community box down the street.