I Don't Feel Traumatised

[Maxi]

I don't feel as if I'm traumatised. When I mentioned to my therapist that I'm mostly over the things which have happened to me, she tried to hide it, but she looked at me with disbelief before asking what ways I felt I was over it and what ways I didn't. The fact is, if I was affected from some of the stuff from my childhood, it's pretty much impossible to distinguish between trauma and temperament. In therapy I don't know whether I'm striving for a reduction in my symptoms, or a personality change (are they one and the same?). I can be emotionally numb, avoidant and anxious; all things which can be explained as personality facets. Okay, my avoidance of certain environments which trigger me to dissociate, or more frequently avoid, or escape does suggest a level of maladaptation, but I'm not sure that that's because of trauma. I was victimised in those environments multiple times so it makes logical sense to avoid them and so it's sensible behaviour; although of course my avoidance of all triggers has massively impaired my ability to work, socialise and maintain a relationship.

Is this trauma? Providing I avoid triggers I don't have nightmares, or anything and with the exception of my OCD moments, I'm not particularly anxious. So my question, with trying to work on reducing my avoidance behaviour and connect with my emotions (treating ptsd) am I just essentially trying to change my personality? Is it possible that I don't have ptsd at all and a not traumatised, just neurotic and disconnected? Horrible things have happened, but I don't feel traumatised. I don't have a comparison. Maybe this is my normal.

Maxi

 

[Chava]

Have you done diagnostic assessment for some of this? It might just help clarify some of your questions. ?? For example, I've done the personality inventory, whatever it's called. I don't have a personality disorder (or at least not to a diagnosable degree) but relate to some of those features. My therapist attributes it to early complex trauma. I have a range of significant traumas but the early ones seem messiest. I often wonder what I will be able to heal or "rewire" and what I am stuck with as part of my personality. I'm fairly avoidant too. It's possible at times to not even notice this stuff affecting me because my life is sort of shrunken and avoidant, so I don't feel much anxiety in general, like day to day. Just brief panic attacks or what I consider to be meltdowns that last a day or two. But I'm pushing myself when it feels appropriate and not totally isolating or avoiding everything. It sounds like your avoidance has impacted your life. Triggers are controlled because you are stuck in avoidance, right? It's hard to change those really deep patterns of relating to the world.

That all being said, I think some of this can change. I used to relate to some of the borderline features more but am now more avoidant and barely impulsive or self-destructive. It's been very challenging to notice that my "normal" is maladaptive in many ways...worse when I feel like there is stuff imbedded in me that I cannot change.

As for whether you are seeking a reduction in symptoms or personality change, this sounds like a really good question for your therapist. You might not know if the avoidance is deeply personality related if you don't find manageable ways to test it or move beyond it. So maybe working with your therapist on these questions is a start. I've had some similar conversations in therapy. And if you still want more clarity, more assessments might be helpful (though for me it was always a mixed bag because of complex trauma that appeared most like PTSD but also symptoms of dissociation and personality involvement without full disorders in those areas).

 

[falling_wave]

I've found that trauma comes up at different timeS. Some people have effects all the time and others in waves or once in a while. It is also possible to have experienced trauma and not have ptsd. A lot of it is genetics and how people respond to trauma. Also personality is solid and cannot be changed. Behaviors can be changed and so can temperament. These may or may not be related to the trauma and it's okay to work on the here and now until or if the past starts to bother you.

 

[Justmehere]

Okay, my avoidance of certain environments which trigger me to dissociate, or more frequently avoid, or escape does suggest a level of maladaptation, but I'm not sure that that's because of trauma.

I am not aware of any personality trait that would lead to the development of dissociation without trauma.

If you go to a place that reminds you of trauma, and you have symptoms afterwards, that is the effect of trauma. That is one way someone is "traumatized." Being traumatized isn't necessarily going around feeling victimized or traumatized all the time or even at all.

Trauma, as well as all life experiences, can shape the development of personality. There is an ever-growing body of research that personality (and personality disorders) can and do change even late in life. I just read an article about how unemployment can change personality.

Regardless if you are seeking to change personality or temperament or things as separate distinct PTSD symptoms, it does seem like trauma has affected you and continues to limit your life to needing to avoid certain places. If you are ok with that, then that's ok. If you want to change that, then it will probably mean working on the trauma in the long run.

 

[Maxi]

Thank you for your responses guys, they make a lot of sense to me and are more reassuring to me than you're probably aware :)

@Chava I haven't done a personality test, although I have read the diagnostic criteria for most of them and even though I have the odd trait here and there, none of them fit me and my therapist has never mentioned anything about a personality disorder; though I have found some of the DBT skills (with another member on here recommended to me) very helpful and they are usually taught to people with BPD. Just occasionally in therapy I feel as if I'm battling to change my personality in order to fight this avoidance behaviour of mine because the behaviour change which is required feels so incongruent with aspects of personality.

@falling_wave Yeah I think the fact that it ebbs and flows is the reason that I believe that most of the time I'm okay and therefore I can't possibly be traumatised. A part of me feels that changing my behaviour without focusing on trauma might be both easier and more beneficial. I'm starting to doubt the value of exploring trauma altogether to be entirely honest, I want to have to sort out my problems without focusing on all of that. I'm not sure what my therapist will make of this dramatic change, I suppose I shall find out this week.

@Justmehere I suppose my issue is that when I think of trauma, in my head it is synonymous with being a victim and even though I can't deny being victimised, I don't see myself as a victim. Plus, I can't help but feel that I haven't experienced enough to justify being traumatised, if you know what I mean. People have treated me badly, but they have treated others a lot worse and it annoys me that I can be so affected when some others aren't. I know it's not good to compare, but I can't help but look at them and look at me and ask what's the difference? How come they can say I have PTSD and that person doesn't when they have experienced worse in my eyes? What do I need to change about my personality to make sure the next time I experience something horrid I can respond like them, rather than like me?

I'm just rambling now, but in short I understand what you are all saying, even if I don't always feel it and as much as I hate to admit it, perhaps I am traumatised after all.

 

[Chava]

Just occasionally in therapy I feel as if I'm battling to change my personality in order to fight this avoidance behaviour of mine because the behaviour change which is required feels so incongruent with aspects of personality.

That's why it has to be pretty slow-going sometimes, I'm afraid. It might not be "personality" so much as very deeply ingrained patterns...so it almost feels the same. The old patterns are very hard to change too because it's like we just don't know what else works, and even if something new seems okay it just doesn't feel normal. Under stress, I need what feels like my "normal." Anyway, the process of teasing it all out and gradually making changes feels like 2 steps forward, 1.75 steps back.

 

[Maxi]

That's why it has to be pretty slow-going sometimes, I'm afraid. It might not be "personality" so much as very deeply ingrained patterns...so it almost feels the same. Anyway, the process of teasing it all out and gradually making changes feels like 2 steps forward, 1.75 steps back.

Thank you. I'm going to try and take things slow and see how I get on :) x