Jealousy, Hatred and Say So Long to Vital Life Energies

[goingonhope]

Were you ever consistently cruelly abused and degraded because of your attributes, brains, potential, strengths and the visibility of your vital life energies?

And, if so did you achieve a near full healing and recovery from specifically this?


Not sure what more to say here, but I'd like to ask this personally important question, of others here. It's one that popped up tonight when new painful and deep realizations and personal trauma history hit me.

I was the youngest of them all and family of origin and extended family had all already had taken away from them, lost or abandoned their vital life energies and so I grew up standing out from the bunch of them; I felt targeted and despised, and was treated as such.

Now, I am close to discovering a trigger; different but similar in replay, in some of my earlier adult years.

But beyond discovering triggers, I think all of my family: husband, two children and myself, would appreciate my vital life energies back. (crying)

I'm feeling really sad, .........they can not continue to possess and own me, not in any fashion, not by any means. I want my life energy, which was lost to this, nearly all back. They were wrong. It wasn't their right. I cannot afford to let them take claim of me, my spirit, my mind, my being. I must find strength stronger then their jealousy and hatred and its impact; My family and I need my voice back.

Really need and appreciate responses.

So again,
Were you ever consistently cruelly abused and degraded because of your attributes, brains, potential, strengths and the visibility of your vital life energies?

And, if so did you achieve a near full healing and recovery from specifically this?


Hope

 

[Vapor]

Hey .. not sure I understand this post.. but Ill try to...i couldnt make out what you were trying to say.

I was the first in my family to move away from home and go to university etc... ultimatly moving to the other side of the world.

Growing up, i knew the only way out my situation was to work damn hard at school... it was my way of escape.

So I did.. and i went off to university.

I never got any encouragment from my family, I was a music major and they never came to see me perform or anything of that nature.. was kind of upsetting when my friends parents would go see them and support them etc.

Im taking it that you mean posative attributes.. like being intelligent etc.

I did have an experience with the way my mother responded to a negative attribute of mine.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar at the age of 23, and I had been in and out of hosptial (my family didnt know this. stil dont)

One night when the diagnosis was being talked about between my Dr and nurse I waw disraught and so I called my mother to tell her .. in tears.

I got yelled at and verbally abused. This was the last time I ever went to my mother for help.. i tell her nothing about my life now .. we barely talk.

Maybe you can relate to this .. not sure.

 

[Nicolette]

Are you looking for your spirit......????

 

[becvan]

So again,
Were you ever consistently cruelly abused and degraded because of your attributes, brains, potential, strengths and the visibility of your vital life energies?

And, if so did you achieve a near full healing and recovery from specifically this?
Hope

I know exactly what you mean. Yes I was for 30 damn years by my mother. She hated me because I was female, because my dad loved me, because I had such life in me, because I had such potential and lord did I pay for it.

I was never fully broken. My stubborn streak kept me alive and I'm sure it pissed her off to no end. I think it is the only thing that kept me here on this earth.

I'm not fully recovered nor healed. But I've come a LONG way. I've come further than I could have ever imagined. I don't know what if any limitations on healing from this are. I do know that my mother no longer has power over me. I took back my power. I may not be totally healed, maybe I never will, but I own my power now. That, in itself, was the most liberating thing I have ever done. Even if I never fully heal, I am okay with that.

In case of confusion, taking my power back meant this to me: I cut off all contact with my mother. I recognized and verbalized the fact that I was horribly abused by this woman. I recognized and am beginning to heal from the fact that I was not responsible for the abuse that I suffered, nor was my situation with living on the streets. I recognized that I made horrible choices in my later life because I knew no better. I had been stripped of any sense of self or sense of self worth. I now know better. I live by my personal truths. I am a worthy person. I have a right to be safe, healthy and happy as do my children. I now make healthy choices to better myself and my children. I now protect myself from further harm.

Living my life well and to the best of my ability, even on this bumpy road to healing, is the ultimate in taking my power back.

I hope that in some way helps you Hope. There is hope for us. There is hope for you. :Hug_emoticon:

bec

 

[Moonshadow]

I was constantly criticized and degraded, as I was growing up. Most of the mental abuse was by my stepfather, but my mother (when she was around) would often say things to make me feel inadequate.

I went through much of my teens, thinking I was as average and unlovable as anyone could be. I was constantly told I was ugly and stupid. I was called a failure and a crybaby.

When I moved out on my own, and got a great job (that required an above average intelligence to succeed), I started to realize that I am not stupid, but actually smarter than many college graduates. I also realized that I am not ugly, quite the contrary.

I know that I am not a failure, they are the ones who failed. They failed me and they failed themselves, and their failures are not my fault.

I didn't feel drained, then. I felt like I was fighting for my life, which I was. I felt like I was treated unfairly, which I was. It wasn't until I hit my thirties, that I started to feel drained of my vitality.

I feel like a battle-ravaged warrior. I have been fighting the battle all my life, even if I didn't truly know my enemy. Now that I know my foe, it seems too powerful to defeat, and I feel weaker, physically, then ever.

So, to answer your question, yes, I feel like I've mostly recovered from their degradation of me.
That being said, there are still many times, when I'll hear their voices in my head, telling me I'm a stupid, ugly failure. It makes it even harder to tune those voices out, when I feel weak, sick and overwhelmed, so often.

 

[linasmom]

Were you ever consistently cruelly abused and degraded because of your attributes, brains, potential, strengths and the visibility of your vital life energies?

Yes. Yes. Yes. My mother constantly degraded me - told me I was stupid, worthless, whenever I didn't do something up to her standards. However, I was both an excellent ballet dancer and horse back rider growing up. The very prestigious Polo Grounds in S.Florida wanted me to show horses for them, but my mother wouldn't let me. My ballet teacher wanted me to start toe-ballet at 10 years old - I would have been the youngest person to whom she ever taught toe-ballet, but my mother wouldn't let me. Why? Because I was great at them. I would have been the "star" and my mother couldn't handle that. She needed me to fail in order to justify her hatred toward me, so instead she made me quit everything I was great in.

I had notebooks full of poetry that my mother threw in the trash.

Now? You could do a google search of my real name and find 14 pages worth of publication credits under my belt. She didn't take away everything. I left her at 15 and never looked back. We have no contact. I will never let her bring me down again.

Like Bec, I may not ever heal completely, but I now have the power that she once held over me. It is mine now and not hers.

These things are just a few of the things that my mother did to strip me down to nothing but a shell. She made me believe for a long time that I was nothing and would never be anything else. I'm happy to say that she was wrong.

 

[reallydown]

I'm not sure if this is even relevant...I can't say I was abused, especially not by family...but I've had friends who'd say they hate me etc. evey time I did better than them on tests, assignments etc...even if I didn't study as hard as they did...and a couple even did some petty things that made me get a lower mark...when they were in a position to affect it (in group work or something of the sort)...and their attitude toward me was always less friendly...I am not sure what effect this had really...but it does seem that on a few occasions I deliberatley screwed up...just so I woldn't...I don't know...I never boasted to my friends etc about doing better than them...although once they started being nasty...I started to rub it in...I remember once, in college, I had a class with one of my friends and we had this exam and I did bettter, even thoguh she prepared more...but I didn't say anything...Then, in front of her other friend she was calling me stupid etc...and I just replied with "yeah...that's why I kicked your ass on the exam"...She got a bit mad at that...

As for family...the expectations are very high...I even occasionally think my mom thinks that I'm smarter than I really am...meh.

 

[reallydown]

I also wanted to add that on some level, at least, the PTSD does this to us...Or maybe not the PTSD itself...I'm having trouble articulating it...but, I guess the trauma itself...whether it was abuse or something else...I mean...I would've been able to better live up to my potential, or to have some of that vital energy etc. had the trauma not occurred...but I guess that's probably the case with everyone here...Am I making any sense...?

 

[Nicolette]

She needed me to fail in order to justify her hatred toward me, so instead she made me quit everything I was great in.

I had notebooks full of poetry that my mother threw in the trash.

Now? You could do a google search of my real name and find 14 pages worth of publication credits under my belt. She didn't take away everything. I left her at 15 and never looked back. We have no contact. I will never let her bring me down again.

Like Bec, I may not ever heal completely, but I now have the power that she once held over me. It is mine now and not hers.

These things are just a few of the things that my mother did to strip me down to nothing but a shell. She made me believe for a long time that I was nothing and would never be anything else. I'm happy to say that she was wrong.

We are all strong women here and have a lot to be proud of. A lot of adversity has been overcome despite all the pain and heartache endured. I too have had similar struggles, just thankfully I did not end up with PTSD.

One thing I would like to 'put out there' is this....did our mother's wanted ill for us or was the issue really about them? They wanted to be better than what they were but rather than have the courage to pull them selves up like many here have done did they pull their children down instead? For some people who can't be better they sometimes turn around and try and pull others down to their level and hence the struggle begins.

Why I say this to you is we all want to be loved, especially by our mothers and a great struggle is coming to an acceptance that you may never have that.....which is what is being said here. The way the 'children' cope (as an adult) is to try and protect themselves from further potential hurt by shutting out the people/person who has hurt them. It sounds like this may be happening in these situations? I believe we should take responsibility for our actions but we can't fix or change others. I think the best way to deal with situations like this is to become the best that you can be which is what is also being said here.

I am sorry for all the pain you have all suffered from your parents but you should all be really proud of the work you have done to better yourselves despite all your adversity.

 

[Brella]

taking it all in...

Hi all - I'm brand new to the forum and haven't had much contact with other survivors before - I was so moved to read all your postings, half of them could have been written by me... I have recently cut off all communication with my mother. Seems just as I start to build myself up again, she chops me back down again. No wonder I was bullied in school when the first bully in my life was my own mother.

I'm in therapy (again) now, reserving judgement on whether I can/should/ever will again expect myself to have a relationship with someone who has the capacity to be so cruel to me. The rub is, she can still be a loving mother sometimes. But I've had to weigh that against the damage she does to my spirit. So it's looking more and more like I'll be moving on without her in my life...

I'm starting to find that loving motherly energy in other people. Such as even the sandwich lady downstairs who makes a sandwich just for me and puts something 'extra' in it. I'm teary just thinking of her.

I'm taking in everyone's achievements, being the best ballerina, musician, mother, student, whatever we aspire to, but always that feeling that it's never good enough (for our mothers). Take a look at that for a minute: a mother is supposed to be proud of their child even if they are the *worst* player on the team, tone deaf, or getting 'C's in school. What happened to 'a face only a mother could love'?

Something is really broken there and I am now realizing that my family do not represent how people are supposed to treat each other. So one of my challenges/goals is to reject pretty much everything (negative) I considered 'normal' and make a new life with healthy people.

I am also an accomplished musician, and recently joined a concert band where I am *thanked* for playing by my fellow band mates EVERY rehearsal. Imagine the possibilities of the new energy I could attract, if I could only unplug from all the negativity I had become so used to.

 

[linasmom]

Nicolette,

I struggle with my mother's motives. I'm always going back and forth as to why she did the things that she did. Was it out of true hatred for me, or was it out of hatred for herself? When I think about it logically as opposed to emotionally, I tend to think it's a combination of the two - cause and affect. But in the end, I wonder if it really matters.

All I ever wanted was my mother's approval. I wanted her love. And I could easily sit here and say that I don't need that anymore, but that would be a lie. Deep down, I still feel extremely inferior no matter the things I've accomplished. Because it was instilled in me at a very young age that no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough.

I beat myself up for not finishing college. For dropping out of highschool and getting my GED instead. My family was crushed because of this - because I had such "potential" but they always forget that that potential was constantly stripped from me. In the end, I failed those things that were "expected" of me, instead of excelling in those things that I was truly good at. I take blame for some of it- I own not completing my education and I regret it some days.

 

[becvan]

One thing I would like to 'put out there' is this....did our mother's wanted ill for us or was the issue really about them? They wanted to be better than what they were but rather than have the courage to pull them selves up like many here have done did they pull their children down instead? For some people who can't be better they sometimes turn around and try and pull others down to their level and hence the struggle begins.

Why I say this to you is we all want to be loved, especially by our mothers and a great struggle is coming to an acceptance that you may never have that.....which is what is being said here. .

My mother still wants ill for me or in better words would love to make me suffer further. Since she won't go to therapy, the best my therapists can guess at is that she is a sociopath. An actual one. I'm not the only person she has done this to, in fact far from. I no longer wish for acceptance or love from her. It is no longer a struggle for me and I'm very grateful for that. Taking your power back is, in part, letting go of that.

I'm sure each person here will have a bit of a difference in why they were treated they way they were and what part of healing they are at.

bec