Childhood Do Most Parents Tell Their Kids They Love Them?

[barefoot]

I don't remember mine saying it but always knew that they loved me. I didn't think it was strange and didn't ever think I wish they said it. We always had a (brief) hug and kiss goodnight and maybe the odd other hug hear and there. And now we (briefly) hug and kiss hello and goodbye. If I say it, they will say it back (well, my mum....I'm not sure I've ever said it to my dad to have him say it back).

We're obviously not a very demonstrative family with regards to love! Or any emotion really...there's a lot of repression and passive-aggression!
But I've never had any doubt that we all love each other.

My partner's family is opposite - very huggy (long, hard hugs!) and lots of saying 'I love you'. I found it very strange to begin with. Then I thought it was kind of nice. Now - I'm still sometimes quite overwhelmed by their expressions of love/emotion generally and sometimes find it a bit much.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My parents were my abusers and they never said I love you. My grandma on my moms side said it to me a lot of times but she was an alcoholic and sloppy and suffocating whenever she said it so I was repulsed by her when she said it.

I say I love you so much to my family, every time I have contact with them and my husband now dead two years said he loved me so much.

 

[Let It Be]

I grew up in a family that never shared these words with one another. I would imagine that my parents never heard these words growing up themselves.

I would hear other people telling their children, that they loved them, and it felt so strange.

When I began therapy, I decided to say those words, on purpose, to my mother to see how she would react.

I probably should not have done that, as it did take my mother by surprise. I had put her on the spot to say, I love you back to me but it wasn't real.

 

[sun seeker]

I tell him I love him many times a day and so does my husband. I intend to continue that forever, basically.

This warms my heart.

My dad said he loved me all of once that I can remember. I was giving all I had for him at the time. His "love" was very, very conditional. My mother would say it occasionally, mostly if I specifically asked and drew it out of her. They were not words freely given.

When my daughter was little I'd tell her I loved her as far as the moon, and she would try to make her response even bigger (I remember a friend advising her to say "as far as Jupiter").

Things went wrong anyway. Sigh.

 

[seedling]

My parents didn't when I was a child. When I was an adult my dad did and he would send me cards signed "to my dearest (or sometimes "beloved") daughter" and he meant it. I have a feeling of knowing he always loved me. (he's dead now).

My mom, never, until now that I have started. I have a feeling of not knowing if she loved/loves me. I rationally know that she loves me but it's not the feeling of it, that can warm a person's heart.

I made sure to tell my kids starting when they were little. It was strange at first but I got good with practice. The onset of PTSD took it away for awhile and now it's back. They tell me they love me too. It feels great.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Talk is cheap.

Love is an action.

Why get so hung up on the words when its the meaning behind the words that count? Its almost as if you could fool yourself into thinking that loveless parents actually cared if they choked out those three words. Pay attention to actions. That's what counts, not the words themselves.

 

[Sammyiam]

@itsKismet

Even if that was all I heard it would have meant something. Anything is better than nothing. When you have heard nothing all your life. ITs better than nothing !

 

[digger]

. ITs better than nothing !

I disagree. It's not better than nothing when those three words are conflated with abuse. You can end up with a child who finds it hard to separate and differentiate between the two and who carries that through to adulthood with them.

 

[Sammyiam]

@digger

Yes you are probably right I think I was just so desperate, I just wanted to have a mum that loved me. It just goes to show the damage that your parents can do to you. My mum did just as much damage as my abuser did :( if I was being really honest probably more long term damage as I was still part of her life every day until she died and she is still doing damage even after her death tearing our family (what's left of it) apart for ever.

 

[digger]

I just wanted to have a mum that loved me

I understand your desperation, but I honestly think those three words would not have helped you in the way you hoped they would if you had heard them. Not unless they maybe came with a genuine apology too. Coming from an abuser, 'I'm sorry' I think would hold more meaning in it for me than 'I love you'. It comes back to actions and words not matching. I suspect her saying 'l love you' would just lead you to more inner conflict and confusion about how she treated you?

My mum did just as much damage as my abuser did :( if I was being really honest probably more long term damage

From what you've shared on the forums here, there is no getting away from her treatment of you being abusive too. Not in the same way as other abuse you suffered, but it was also abuse.

 

[ground crew]

With the exception of my children, I am not sure I have felt love-real love, and i do make a point of saying it to my children.

I am not sure I heard they loved me growing up, except when I was being chided for being an underachiever at school, "we love you of course, but these grades...." and actions do beat words, particularly the random beatings. Not bad enough to leave marks....anymore. Looks bad at church, don't you know....

 

[The Albatross]

I relate to Sammy, and I also relate to the other posts particularly about confusing the messaging and carrying it on in my life. I did. I know I did.