So What Does A Bit Of Trauma Matter?

[scout86]

@stenni, fortunately, it's a metaphorical inner child, so you can go back and piece things together again in the future, when the idea seems less terrifying. I can't help but think that reacting that way to your T's admonition is a bit like something an angry child might do.......

 

[Chava]

became apparent that my ANP fears, hates and would like to kill EPS

I've had similar feelings. Most recent version has been imagining setting myself on fire. But, although I'm no expert on these personality parts, I'd argue that an ANP wouldn't want to kill an EP. Sounds like a buried fight response. My rage (connected to my self hatred and self destruction) is just another "EP" and it gets directed back at myself. Not sure if it would be helpful for you to look at it that way or not.

 

[The Albatross]

Can you explain your compulsion to do this when presented with the explanation from your T that you should leave it alone? What was your motivation for "of course everything is out of the bag now. So I've taken an inner knife to that useless little inner child.."?

 

[Deleted member 30331]

Stenni, is it possible that your "metaphysical inner child" can, no matter how retrievable it might be, yet feel more pain, as in being threatened with murder in the future? Perhaps that child needs healing and comfort from the future. Wouldn't you now enjoy the company and comfort from the person you strive to become, instead of rejection?

 

[Sandstone]

explain

It was a two part conversation.
The first idea was that maybe my suicidal urges are part of the ANP phobia of the EP and of the feelings it keeps away from the ANP. There was long discussion about that, and about why exposure therapy may not work for shame based responses to trauma.

We then talked about the idea of making contact with the three year old and hearing what she had to say, but T ultimately concluded it was not a good idea at the moment. However, now I'm aware of that fear I want to make it go away. And I hate and despise that child

 

[Sandstone]

yet feel more pain, as in being threatened with murder in the future?

That would seem to be my aim. I have recurrent dreams of struggling with the murderous lunatic. Often I'm a police officer pinning him down, but my colleagues won't help so I gradually lose the strength to hold him. It seems I'm actually both policeman and killer, and killer is on the lose at the moment.

 

[Deleted member 30331]

But Stenni, is the killer really your Apparently Normal Person? Though you may not want the child near right now, does she not deserve compassion and the forgiveness of an adult until you're ready to know her completely (if ever)?

You're examining yourself, but are you paying enough attention to the strengths and motives of your police officer. Could be that l your policewoman needs your permission, encouragement and support. Are you expecting too much of her?

If you feel that your colleagues are apathetic, is it because they are colleagues solely of your outward personna and need some enlightenment? It could be that if your find a confidant to hear that a fight exists, that person might lend a hand. I guess I'm just rambling, but I've found that forgiving my past, and revealing some of my eccentricities, I am stronger and more intact that I was even a short time ago.

I hope I'm not confusing things. Take care.

 

[scout86]

I can understand hating and despising "that child". After all, if she had been good enough/ smart enough/ brave enough/ something "enough" nothing bad would have ever happened to you, right? It's all her fault?

I felt like that most of my life. Shortly after I started therapy, this topic came up. I told my T that I didn't think I'd ever forgiven myself. He agreed, but that was all he said. Then I started noticing kids. What a 5 year old, a 3 year old, an infant actually looks like and is capable of. It was scary, but enlightening.

I have a lot of dreams kind of like you're talking about too. Something bad is happening. I move to stop it and everyone else present just stands there. And, there are always other people present. They don't do anything and they won't even listen. But the dream where you are both criminal and cop? We're all like that in a way, aren't we? We have a good side and a shadow side? Hard to accept sometimes, just like it's hard to accept that that little girl really did the best she knew how to do at the time.

 

[Ronin]

@stenni, without meaning to be judgmental of your choices (they're yours after all), radically dealing with a part of you out of acted out self loathing (nevermind turned against yourself instead of externalized differently), can still prove harmful in the long term.

Can still come to be haunting you in the future, in case you decide to go back or that self spontaneously re-emerges in the future, just because they're an integral part of you. Now with the memory even you turned against them, which may provide for years long issues between you two and harder integrating of experiences they hold.

Long line of personal experiences I don't feel comfortable sharing yet, with that sort of thing. I believed some of mine are danger to my survival not because they wouldn't adhere to set up rules, but because they held too much trauma and information I didn't want anyone of me to have.

Still has came to bite. They were just better in that survival thing, being hope when I saw none, even if subtler than my usual methods of dealing.

Working with what they contain, may prove more helpful in the long term, even though overwhelming in the beginnings, and feeling as if you're thrown to the past that was way unmanageable and should stay at the Pandora box forever.

Edited to add: Were they truly useless? Or just someone you couldn't find the use for? That's quite different.

Then there's always the possibility they're not entirely gone. After all, something forming in your body? Is likely to stay in your body in some form. Whether it be muscle tension, pain, headaches, intrusive flashes that aren't quite PTSD ones, distress for no apparent reason, instincts you wouldn't consider yours, tidbits of behavior you can't stand, without self to ascribe them to. Spill over of something a person held relatively contained.

 

[shimmerz]

why exposure therapy may not work for shame based responses to trauma.

I would be really interested in what your doctor had to say about this. When you feel up to it @stenni is there a chance you could post about this? It seems really relevant for many on this site. It may help someone while they are in therapy. Shame is horrible.

However, now I'm aware of that fear I want to make it go away. And I hate and despise that child

Well, of course you do. That is, imho, why we split off into EP's, Because they 'couldn't deal' at the time and they are frozen in that time. Still trying to figure out what to do. How to grow. How to escape the twilight zone.

I had a 'session' along the way that I detail about my inner child. A particularly defining moment in my life where I am certain several EP's were born in my psyche. I was amazed at how intuitive she was, how well she could feel and think and protect herself given how small she was. This is going to sound odd, but she called to me one night (in the flashback or something) and asked me to come to her. Down a deep dark pit. Because she didn't believe I (the adult) had the strength to keep moving forward. She thought it was too big. So she asked me to come to her .... and there was a deep dark pit.

I thought the other way - that I couldn't leave her down there alone as she was in so much pain. My shaman warned me against it....VERY much so. I wasn't afraid of the darkness when I actually should have been. My shaman and I came to a conclusion. I left her my teddy bear - something that acknowledged her presence. I told her I would come back to her. And I did.

Black and white thinking is what murderous rage against her seems to me. And I understand why. I would go with your T on this one. It sounds like a serious issue you are coming up against and you DON'T want to get stuck here. Potential for yet another EP imho. Keep moving. I am wondering if you could perhaps allow her to sit quietly in the background for now with a symbol of soothing (like my teddy bear). However, I would ask T first and see what he thinks.

So sorry you are going through all of this Stenni. It is very familiar to me. It does get better....it is just so incredibly scary, and awful, and painful, and horrifying and so many other words. You don't have to kill her for that to change though. There are other options.

So much love. So many hugs to you my friend.
Shimmerz

 

[Eleanor]

The books say ANPs are pretty much always phobic of EPs for exactly the reasons @shimmerz says. The same books also say that STABILIZING is crucial before trying to get the ANP to talk to the EPs. The T could talk to the EP? Maybe there are others around you who could talk to an EP if she was up.

Shame is very very tricky. It is NOT a primary emotion - it is social emotion - we are all by nature taught to feel shame and what to be ashamed of. It is built on fear (to a certainty) of rejection. So PANIC and FEAR are both involved and FEAR primes for RAGE so... not to surprising that you get the violent impulses...

Please take care of yourself... cultivate self-kindness at every level you can.
((((((Stenni)))))))

 

[Ronin]

The books say ANPs are pretty much always phobic of EPs

Seconded as experience. Even when the ANP's & EPs have common goals, have been cooperating on everything except on sharing consciousness for years, know each other well emotionally and know what the other(s) can handle, that phobia's still there. I guess comes with trauma & being fragmented this way; if there wasn't a need to compensate for either, the problems would look differently.