General What To Say To Someone Suffering With Ptsd. . . ?

[Saint Nik]

Quite a few posts on here stating: What not to say to someone with PTSD? So, I thought about the opposite, since many supporters come on here too. Maybe PTSD sufferers can speak up and finally let people know what it is you would like people to say to you?
The things I like hearing is:

• "Me too. I know what you are feeling." The relief to hear this from someone. That I am not alone.
• Asking questions about what I feel and what this is like for me. You help validate my feelings and show you care. (This could mainly be my partner and I ask how it feels for him being a supporter)
• Who said you should feel a different way from what you are feeling now?
• 

 

[void]

I apologize to the Mod.

 

[Sighs]

Sigh!

My vet often hears "Me too. I know what you are feeling." Never ever will he hear this from me. Unless you have actually walked in his shoes you do NOT know what he feels.

He usually doesn't answer them. Because if he did he would have to say something along the lines of:

"Really? You know what I feel? How come? When did you try and hold in the guts of a 5 year old boy as he bled out into the dust? When did you pick bits of someone else's bones out of a wound in your face? When did you come back to a dead pigeon you had seen three days earlier and eat it because supplies had still not been dropped to you? When were you out and about as the mortars hit making sure all of your lads were safe in bunkers you had designed and built? When do you lie awake at night because one of your lads was transferred to another area where they weren't using your bunkers and was killed in a rocket attack?"

I have deliberately chosen the mildest stories which he is willing to share with people. I will not share the intimate details which haunt him each and every day.

@Saint Nik - be very very careful. You do not speak for all sufferers. Do not attempt to give supporters advice on how to support their sufferer based on what you would like. You may do more harm than good.

 

[seedling]

"What can I do to make your day easier?" That's what I'd like to hear at work.

 

[spmitchell3]

"What can I do to make your day easier?" That's what I'd like to hear at work.

I do this for my wife almost every day as she's leaving for work.

Other things I say:
"I love you and am 100% committed to you."
"I'm in this for the long haul. I believe in you."
"I know you may not feel like talking, but I'm here for you when you're ready."
"If you're feeling stressed out and need to get away, just let me know and I'll do my best to keep the kids occupied so you can decompress."
"I know I can't fix you...but I am here to help you in any way I can or you want."
"I imagine this can't be easy for you and I understand."
"I'm here for you 24/7. I don't care if it's 2:00 in the morning. If you need to talk, I'll listen."

 

[illusionist]

When I'm having bad days I prefer normality from my partner.....no reference to how I'm feeling is wanted....so...

" what's for tea, I'm starving! " is what I need to hear from him...helps bring me into reality.

 

[VoiceOfReason]

@spmitchell3

Those all sound like wonderful statements, to me, with a HUGE caveat. If your partner is currently in the throes of depression due to her PTSD those MIGHT help stabilize her. A suffering person, I have found, sometimes really wants to be left alone but doesn't want to be alone. Patience and silence are sometimes best in those cases.

You may find, as I did, that saying those things consistently and constantly draws the power from the words and just irritates them. Especially, as you have mentioned, if they are going through growing/healing pains and making progress. I've found, to my chagrin, that saying something like you have listed above doesn't help and in fact undermines or belittles the progress he/she may have made. And once again patience and silence became my friend as well as theirs.. :)

Peace and Love,
VoR

 

[spmitchell3]

@spmitchell3

Those all sound like wonderful statements, to me, with a HUGE cav...

I don't say them every day...only occasionally. Believe it or not - the main reason I only say it occasionally is because it hurts me to never hear any reassurance from her in return. It hurts to say, "I love you and I'm committed to you" only to hear, "Okay." It would be nice to hear that she's here for me too or that she even appreciates the effort I'm putting into being there for her, It seems to me that she has no clue how hard being a supporter is or can be. I often feel alone, especially being the only male in the house, and unwanted. She'll give me reassurance if I ask...but dammit - it sure would be nice to hear it without asking. I can't help but feel that she's simply telling me what I want to hear - that I'm important to her, that she wants me to be here for her and that she wants our marriage to work. I understand a big part of the reason she doesn't is because of her past trauma. Being there for someone and being vulnerable with them has brought her nothing but pain her entire childhood, adolescent and early adult years. Her family never showed affection to each other so it's not easy for her...especially with the trauma. It's hard on me because she used to show affection when we first started dating. So, in some ways, I take the lack of affection personally because I want affection and intimacy so bad right now. There have been countless times I've thought about leaving and finding someone new or having a one night stand just so I could have physical contact with someone. I've even signed up on some dating sites. But I've never gone through with it because I love my wife for who she is and the person I know she is inside. I think I'm also a rare person - I promised on our wedding day to be there for better and for worse. I meant it.

The other thing that adds to this is I know she's attracted to someone else at work because the two of them spent a couple of months crying on each others shoulder about their problems instead of talking to the people they should have been talking to - their spouses. So I can't help but feel like she's using me as a support and then, when she feels she's healed, I'm yesterday's news. I've been told by female friends, one of whom had PTSD of her own, that her attraction to this co-worker will fade with time. My cousin's wife, who does therapy, the female friend who had PTSD and the therapist I'm seeing have all told me they don't think my wife will ever file for divorce because what she wants more than anything is stability...and by filing for divorce, she'll lose that stability.

I'll admit I was hoping that after two months of EMDR therapy there would be more progress but the therapist hasn't even begun to dive into the deep traumas in my wife's life so I know it's going to take time. I just wish there was a way to communicate to her how hard this is on me as well...not just her. I know it doesn't do any good to tell her how lonely I feel because it just goes right over her head. She simply isn't able to understand and empathize. I see now why people with PTSD are also considered narcissistic. In many ways, it seems her feelings come first and I understand why that is...but it doesn't necessarily make it any easier.

 

[Friday]

<chuckling> Somehow I doubt what cheers me up / the best things to say to me will apply to a whole helluva lot of suffers.

C'mon... ya damn pansy.

Just being one example of many. While there are some pretty universal oh hell nos, yeses seem to be highly individualized. Asking me how I feel? Likely to get a person kicked in the face.

 

[Ronin]

@FridayJones, ya pansy imagined in a sooft caring almost cooing 'get the f*ck up!!!' voice, and I'm melting.

But sort of ditto. Something that held me up the past month was over-the-phone from a dear friend 'You're f*cking alive, an't you? So f*cking live and get a grip' was outright sweet. :p Cherished memories and all.

 

[Ronin]

There is also a very similar thread to this one: https://www.myptsd.com/c/threads/what-is-best-to-say-to-a-ptsd-sufferer.6274/

 

[illusionist]

Just remembered what we commonly use on my good days....on my pretty bad days can lift me because of our shared humour, on my really, really bad days, he knows not to say this as it has the opposite effect...

Me...." do you love me? "
My partner...." of course I do you silly bitch"

What I'm trying to say is what is accepted by us one day as love, or humour one day, May not be on another. It's all about learning about the person.