Compassion For Self And Vulnerability

[shimmerz]

So, letting go self-blame (an illusion) allows vulnerability to take its righteous place inside of ourself.

because if they're my fault? Illusion of control.

There is that illusion word again.

I think one of the things that I notice are different interpretations of guilt/shame/responsibility. It seems to me that there can be a tendency to bleed into each other or be used interchangeably. Perhaps one of the reasons that therapists like us to 'name that feeling'. Just a thought.

 

[sun seeker]

Update: I find it a lot harder to find compassion for myself in the present than in the past. I've been working on this very hard, documenting it in my diary... God this is hard stuff. Why is it I believe I am weak and undeserving and at the same time, know I am putting every ounce of my energy into healing and just getting through one more day?

Today I got further down into the deep dark pit than I've been in several weeks. Sobbing hopelessly, just wanting to give up because life hurts so damn much.

Forced myself to go out for a walk, crying and sniffling the whole way, hoping not to run into anyone. Just put one foot in front of the other. Sat looking over the river waiting for inspiration, but none came. Came home, took a second dose of clonazepam in one day, and had a chat with my angels and guides that I firmly believe are helping me through this mess. Asked them to take some of my pain away because it's just too much. When I ask that, they do, just enough so I can breathe and think. And I asked myself, what would I be feeling if I stopped believing I deserve to suffer? What would that be like? Could I believe that I am as innocent now as I was back then?

Innocent. All I have ever wanted is joyous, loving connection. I may not know how to get it, but that's always been my intent and the core of who I am. It's all I want now. There's just a huge amount of crap getting in the way.

Did I choose any of this? Did I choose the fact that I cannot work, that I am afraid even to go downtown, that it scares me out of my mind to approach and talk to most people, that my family are so toxic, that I have not been able to build a family of my own, that I have so many triggers, that I feel so hopeless? No, I chose none of this. I am working on it as hard as I can. So where is the shame? Somehow, feeling the pain of the situation in the present without hating myself for it is even harder than feeling compassion for myself in the past. My present really IS painful.

But I found one tiny glimmer. Got out of the bath still wondering how it would be if I didn't believe I deserved to suffer, and for one thing, I wouldn't believe I had to be alone with this. Picked up the phone and called a friend and invited her over for tea tomorrow.

It's a tiny, tiny glimmer. But I'm not giving up yet.

 

[sun seeker]

I think one of the things that I notice are different interpretations of guilt/shame/responsibility.

Without getting into the semantics of it, I will say that one thing I clearly notice is that when too much of our energy gets caught up in self blame (or whatever we want to call it), it isn't free to do other things like find compassionate solutions to our problems. It's like if you already have your arms full of groceries and I try to pile more and more bags on top of the ones you're already holding. Either you have to drop what you're already holding, or collapse under the weight. That wasn't the best analogy, sorry.

What I'm trying to say is I rarely notice a tendency to blame ourselves excessively being a useful thing. It uses up energy that we could be using to heal. Just as long as we don't get caught up in blaming ourselves for blaming ourselves...

 

[shimmerz]

And if you can stop beating yourself up about it,

Judgement. What if there was no judgement of your SELF? What if you just came to the fact that there is a good reason for all of your behaviours/reactions that cause shame? Would that not put many of these parts to rest? What if when these parts started to vie for attention you changed their script to something loving and patient instead? 'I love you. I am working on it. We will get there.'

And what if you did this not just to allow the brain to figure it out but in order to laugh and smile and focus on 'I love you....etc' statements?

I mean, you know me.... the queen of compassion for myself. :banghead::banghead::banghead: