Reached a new level of vulnerability with my T and I hate it.

[Quassus]

I had a very hard session yesterday and had to stop it. I could see that T was concerned and sympathized with how I felt. I was disassociating etc. But, part of the reason I had to stop was the level of discomfort I felt being that vulnerable and seeing her reaction. It made me feel so uncomfortable and combined with the new memory coming up, that flight response kicked in strong.

Today she sent me a message asking how I am doing after I let her know I couldn't come in today for an extra session. It brought up that extreme discomfort and I really don't want to reply. I want to cry and scream for her to leave me alone and this dang memory to go away and never come back.

Ugh. Obviously I'm not having a great day.

 

[Friday]

People with PTSD have a nooooootoriously difficult time dealing with other people’s emotions, on top of our own. If she’s any good at her job? No worries. She gets that. But is also human, and will show emotion from time to time. Nothing to fret over. Get through it, get over it, and get back on track.

 

[Movingforward10]

But, part of the reason I had to stop was the level of discomfort I felt being that vulnerable and seeing her reaction

Yep, seeing care and concern about what you went through can be incredibly jarring. It highlights that what you went through was bad. Bad, wrong, and traumatic. All of which evokes a care response from a T. And highlights the lack of care from those who should have protected you/not abused you.

So: shit storm ensues because it's all too confronting.

I'm sorry you are going through it.

It does get easier.

Doing that "self compassion" thing is a good thing to try right now.
Slowly. Gently. This gets better.

 

[Quassus]

People with PTSD have a nooooootoriously difficult time dealing with other people’s emotions, on top of our own. If she’s any good at her job? No worries. She gets that. But is also human, and will show emotion from time to time. Nothing to fret over. Get through it, get over it, and get back on track.

Thank you for the reassurance!

Yep, seeing care and concern about what you went through can be incredibly jarring. It highlights that what you went through was bad. Bad, wrong, and traumatic. All of which evokes a care response from a T. And highlights the lack of care from those who should have protected you/not abused you.

So: shit storm ensues because it's all too confronting.

I'm sorry you are going through it.

It does get easier.

Doing that "self compassion" thing is a good thing to try right now.
Slowly. Gently. This gets better.

Thank you! It's so helpful getting reassurance from people who are here/ been here before. Just when you think maybe things are improving..bam. Whole new level of sh*t pops up and you start hoping this is the end.

 

[OM_™]

I want to cry and scream for her to leave me alone and this dang memory to go away and never come back.

That's exactly how I feel because it's impossible for me to process my history and be happy about my life and circumstances. I have come to understand that it's OK to not be OK. In fact as I have got older, I haven't mellowed like my therapists wanted...I have become angrier and accepted that I have a right to these feelings (as long as I don't hurt anyone). I recall one of your earlier posts and I too think that I may be 'Too much for my Therapist' and that's OK too...take care!