I hate vulnerability

[NightSky]

@Justmehere I think what to said about not wanting to be alone is key.
I’ve been going through the same thing with my T. Everything in me resists vulnerability. And for me, that means dropping the mask. showing emotion. Not making her laugh. Not responding with some sarcastic answer to her questions that make me uncomfortable.
This past week I emailed her about how I finally realize the hurting part of me, the part of me that feels small, doesn’t want to be alone. But I don’t know how to get out of the way enough to let anyone near that part of me. That, to me, is the crux of vulnerability. The ULTIMATE in being vulnerable.
But, this past week during my session, after so desperately NOT wanting to be alone in it anymore, I went in there and cried. For a long time. And hard. Probably the second time in my life I’ve cried hard around anyone. And she sat there next to me with her hand on my back (after asking). And it was painful. But one of the most healing experiences of my life. I’ve never let anyone that close before.
Shame cannot survive empathy. But empathy can not be received from a place of guardedness. and I just learned from experience that it CAN be received from a place of vulnerability. And if that’s not a “good” thing about it, I don’t know what is!

 

[Tinyflame]

Shame cannot survive empathy.

I suppose this is very true ^^^.

Except for me (*) :

the part of me that feels small, *(does) want to be alone

or at least silent.

 

[NightSky]

I suppose this is very true ^^^.

Except for me (*) :

or at least silent.

My little part is totally silent. And doesn’t want to be alone when it comes to my T, but that’s it. I have a really strong attachment to her and feel safe with her. But I kept going in there and talking about flashbacks like it was nothing and then leaving and crying in my car feeling so alone. I want to be alone when it comes to family and friends. But I guess I have to start somewhere.
Also, enough true exposure to empathy will chip away at shame. But it can be a long process.

 

[Tinyflame]

Also, enough true exposure to empathy will chip away at shame. But it can be a long process.

Yes I suppose.

I'm kind of the opposite, I don't trust very well beyond those I've trusted for long. Though maybe that doesn't explain it well?

I think I feel kind of shell-shocked when it comes to communication, especially my part in it.

I guess I feel my suffering is not their problem, family or friends. And were I disclosing it to someone only for their pay (but of course my healing), only their expertise would I trust in, I would pre-suppose they'd have no more sentiment than a stranger. If that makes sense? So not sure how much my mind or heart could trust any positive feedback, if there was any, or sense of perceived 'safety'/ (the 'feeling'.).

(I know, I'm a mess... :( :confused: Too many miles on me.)

ETA, hope this makes sense-rushing- no, I know what it is for me, there are differences, between men and women- or women raised more like 'men'- vulnerability -genuine vulnerability- is something people can see in others, if they have the capacity. No matter how it is expressed, or not expressed in conventional ways at all. If not so, why is it that nearly every predator I've known could recognize it in me? And nearly every time, no, every time, I operated in return on the basis of pity for them, and guilt I'd hurt them or would, in some way, I was the one who was victimized.

I watched my mom and dad be 100% vulnerable with each other, and it rarely needed to go to the point of tears for them to value it in each other. Because they knew, without saying 'everything', and didn't manipulate each other, and valued that vulnerability in one another.

JMHO though.

 

[Hollandi]

My therapist gently confronted me on how much I resist vulnerability in therapy, and in life, and sh...

Vulnerability is such a vague term Junebug. I'm sure that it ain't vague to you however. Everyone is vulnerable in fact, most of us don't measure it as a perspective in our lives, we move it toward the vulnerability of others, our children perhaps, our elderly parents or our socially recognised victim group. What is your vulnerability Junebug?

 

[Justmehere]

Just had a terrible session. I don’t know. We got to a standstill about vulnerability and she was like asking me if it was ever a good thing and I said yes.... and I had nothing else to say and I don’t know... everything was super off track from there. The conversation ended up with me feeling furiously stuck. I told her it felt like I was showing up to therapy with a broken leg asking for help to fix it and she just asked, are healed legs good? I expressed anger, and she owned that she missed it, totally missed where I was sta but it wasn’t even about that... I just don’t even understand what just happened.

I’m so confused and heartbroken. I don’t even know why. I want to screw this vulnerability shit.

I oddly left the session thinking, “I want my dad.”

Oh f*ck. I never feel shit about that abusive jerk.

I didn’t want to tell her but she asked what came up... I was getting ready to leave, and I told her this thought popped into my head. She said, “oh damn, that sucks to end on something that big...”

I KNOW.

 

[mumstheword]

Here with you (((((((hugs))))) if helpful:hug: @Justmehere

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw dear @justmmehere , I wonder if the feelings of confusion and heartbroken-ness brought forth the memory of your dad, rather than it being the topic of vulnerability that did so? I think it is very normal to equate vulnerability with ending badly when it has, especially if you equated being vulnerable part and parcel as to why it was possible abuses occurred.

You were vulnerable in answering honestly, you are living that vulnerability rather than simply intellectually dissecting it. It's a step, but yes, never a pleasant feeling when linking it to when it served others' purposes and not your well-being. :( :cry:

Like @mumstheword said more hugs if you accept. :hug::hug:

most of us don't measure it as a perspective in our lives, we move it toward the vulnerability of others

@Hollandi , am not sure if this was meant for Justmehere? :confused: I think I wish I had the luxury of ignoring or denying it. :(Yet at the same time I recognize it also in others, whether it's obvious or not to the majority. But I don't exploit it. I wish there were a guarantee the other way around, but there is not; I don't have children or parents but I do know that even members of groups whose vulnerability I protect can exploit my own vulnerability. :( It would be easier to list ways I'm not vulnerable than ways in which I am.

And maybe @Justmehere , that is what, or who vulnerability serves: to be vulnerable- truly- other's needs and protection becomes your own- they are safe with you.