Other Internet Debate

[TeeI]

Hello,
I figured I would finally go and seek a place to tell my story and ask for any kind of advise people might have to give. I am not even quite sure if my case could be labeled as PTSD - I find it fits some of the symptoms but I find it absurd to compare it to something say, a war veteran or rape victim might have gone through. Regardless, a forum dedicated to dealing with trauma is no doubt the best place for this. One thing I am sure of, however, that it is incredibly stupid and could have very easily been avoided if I had thought of my own best and kept my mouth shut for once.
Long story short, there is a video game forum I have been a member of for years. Currently I wish I had never joined it or at the very least had the sense to leave on time. Said forum has a thread for debating topics of taboo nature. I do not wish to turn this post into a political one, but I will share what details are necessary. Last December they were debating racism and the concept of 'white privilege'. I made a post claiming I find lack such, giving a number of reasons. I received a reply with a link to a Wikipedia article of racism in my country, claiming it is proof that I do. I proceeded to make perhaps the worst, most crassly written reply possible (I said a few nasty words about the Romani and concluded my post with the following line: "one, ethnicity, culture and language is the ideal condition all countries should strive for." I wish to make it very clear that I do not believe this in the slightest and I immediately admitted it was an exaggeration, but this is important for understanding what happens later) and got called a racist for the first time in my life. This sparked debate and did my best to explain my position and there is one member in particular who I clearly pissed off. The debate ended and life went on as normal and I did not think much of it and stayed on the forum. I then, for some reason, decided it would be a good idea to keep pushing the limits by making a new post, this time regarding islam, immigration and multiculturalism - further fuelled by Charlie Hebdo happening around the same time. Long story short, said post essentially read like an info dump/manifest with me making what I thought was a convincing argument, claiming among other things that islamic and western cultures must be kept separate, and that Europe must close its borders. These of course being utterly absurd claims with zero applicability to reality. I quite vividly remember the excitement I had while writing that post which completely clouded my judgment as to why I felt I needed to write it, why I had to do it there (perhaps the worst place imaginable for such debate) or what I thought would come out of it. On top of this, I proceeded to speak ill of several groups of people, including muslims, Somalians and immigrants in general. What essentially followed was me receiving dire insults from several members, many of whom I had been friends with for years. I, along with some other members, tried to keep some semblance of a debate going, but those insults ended up putting my brain through heavy stress to the point where by the end of it, it was clear something had gone wrong. I had a brief sense of "yes, I got my point through" and dropped out of the forum. In the following months, the insults I received ended up playing in my head and hampering my concentration. I also found myself acting differently towards say, people of different ethnicities and avoiding that forum. I wondered to myself when this would stop. Then, in late July, there was a case where a certain politician made a controversial claim regarding multiculturalism that garnered massive public condemnation. Said politician had also been seen in company of neo-Nazis. At this point, my mind could not longer take it and I completely broke down. The original claim of me being a racist ended up looping endlessly in my head while I repeated to myself "I'm not a racist, I'm not a racist". I could not eat or sleep properly for a week until I realized I had to go back. Said forum had a confessions thread. I made a post saying I regretted my post and that I never was opposed to a multiethnic society in the first place. This broke the loop and I could sleep properly. From there on out, I used the thread as a form of a journal, or self-affirmation tool. I started slow recovery with the entire contents of those two posts I made looping in my head to the point where concentration was impossible. What eventually was left was those insults I received. I contacted each member individually, apologized and asked if they forgave me and when they did, that greatly reduced the impact of the insult. Examples of the insults I received include (paraphrasing): "you are a gross man, get out" and "you're murdering my faith in a future without bigotry." This also being the first time I had ever been called a bigot. As these "layers" of insults peeled away, new, milder ones popped up, including miscellaneous posts made by some members that weren't necessarily insulting. All this time I was (and still am) beating myself for doing something so utterly moronic, because it really was nothing but my own lack of foresight that got me into this mess. I started really looking into ways of suppressing bad memories (to little avail) and started meditating and took up gym, among other things. Eventually I realized I needed a clean conscience. I proceeded to make donations to representatives of any and all groups of people I felt I had wronged and sent personal apologies. This helped to a degree. All throughout this time, I have had swings of bad memories, depression and anxiety. Then I started looking into trauma recovery and realized that what I was in fact doing was avoiding things that reminded me of the event - the forum, the members, the people I spoke ill of, immigration debate in general, and so on. So I decided to go back on the forum and will be there for as long as necessary. I started debating immigration elsewhere. Earlier this week, I proceeded to visit an imam and told him what I did - this helped quite a bit. Also started taking B12 vitamin supplements and I believe they've had a mild positive effect, but this is just after a few days. Later this week, I plan on visiting a Somali culture event and creating new positive experiences with them that way. If I meet a Romani person, I will personally approach them and ask to have a talk. Essentially, what I am doing at this point is confonting all things that I feel like avoiding because they remind me of what happened. Currently, I have managed to get rid of the looping bad memories and anxiety for the most part. If I had to give an estimate of where I am compared to the condition I was in before all of this happened, I would say I am about half way there and I am expecting months of slow recovery. Currently, the things that pop up in my head are random assortments of words that I or other people used in the debate as well as details about the members that took part in it - their avatars, countries of residence and so on. I also participate in occasional negative self talk about how easy this would've been avoid if I had thought about my own best for one second. I have not explained the situation to my family in detail (I am a young student and just recently moved out), just vaguely, but I have talked about it extensively on the forum as well as with a good friend I have from that forum and likely the only one I will keep once I finally decide to leave. I am confident that I have the tools I need to make it through this, but any advise is still greatly appreciated. The slow, weekly progress towards recovery is definitely there, as I find new ways to move forward. What I perhaps now need to do is get back into a routine and do my best to create new, positive experiences. The less time spent idly, the better.

 

[joeylittle]

So you enjoyed the adrenaline rush you got from using the anonymity of the Internet to spread hate speech. You then felt really badly and set about making amends. Along the way, many people refused to forgive you for what you'd previously spouted, and they wrote cruel and sometimes threatening things.

All this has created a pervasive depression in your life, and you are often still bothered by intense memories of the things you did.

Yes?

You were the architect of your experience. You did a wrong thing, then kept doing it. I'm very glad you decided to drop that racist persona, and I think it speaks well of you that you are seriously taking responsibility for your actions.

But this is not trauma in a medical sense - at least, not in my opinion. You did a shitty thing and now feel intense regret. That's what happens. Eventually you will forgive yourself, enough time will go by, the guilt will fade.

You weren't traumatized; you did the traumatizing. That's what I see.

 

[TeeI]

Yes, that is true. When I returned to the forum I specifically spoke of the trauma I caused myself. All this time I've been beating myself because it was my own dumbassery that got me into this mess. However, the guilty conscience part is just one part of it. When I spoke about it with a certain member who had defended me once I returned, he said that people could've definitely handled it better. There was one member who did his absolute best to make the worst of what I was saying, pulling some nasty insults.

I find I had some legit concerns behind all of it - just that it got buried behind bad words and wrong solutions.

 

[The Albatross]

" a forum dedicated to dealing with trauma is no doubt the best place for this." Hmmm. Doubtful but since you asked for advice, I would say that irrespective of what feedback you get from the participants of the discussion you did your utmost to make amends and were willing/did to expend personal finances to rectify your "wrongs". I would say too, you're clearly capable of following your conscience and under no obligation to stay on a forum that causes you further distress. You can continue to open yourself up to new experiences as you wish but do not have to do so in order to "prove" you're not a bigot.

I have to say, though you have said this is distressful for you, and no doubt it was... I do not see this as a "trauma" or PTSD.

 

[Justmehere]

You said some stupid stuff, and even you call your actions "moronic." I'm not sure if you are really apologetic for holding a viewpoint that others feel hurt by, or if you feel apologetic for simply sharing it the viewpoint badly.

Here's the thing. You posted on a forum for taboo subjects. You expressed your opinion, which you had full freedom to do. I support free speech, even speech that offends. If someone believes things I find to be morally wrong, I would rather have them say it so that I know.

I also support the freedom of others to express their disagreements (without threats) and to call you out on the error of your opinions.

You keep refering to the "trauma" you endured. Let's back up a big step. I'm not one to compare bad life experiences and trauma very often, but I think this is one of the times where we need to look at trauma on a bigger scale.

If you want to talk about how PTSD, a mental health condition that comes from life threatening trauma, plays a role in this situation, then I think we should first look at the trauma people face all around the world due to people believing races should be separated or homogeneity is ideal. Millions upon millions of people have died of many races in many countries in every part of the globe at the hands who shared those very beliefs you expressed you had online. Many survived, and developed PTSD later on.

That trauma is very serious and plays a huge role in why people responded as strongly to you as they did. People who shared the beliefs you expressed, have literally killed millions of people.

So if you want to talk about PTSD and trauma in this situation, and solutions to racial divides, let's start by first recognizing that trauma that is real. Start by first trying to understand their pain, and I believe it will shift your experience of your own pain and suffering.

Empathy is powerful and can sometimes help change feelings and pain like what you are experiencing now.

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. The epiphany as a result of your situation is, "One thing I am sure of, however, that it is incredibly stupid and could have very easily been avoided if I had thought of my own best and kept my mouth shut for once." I expect that as a result of this experience, you are far more likely to use some self restraint and level headedness before clicking "reply" on discussion posts.

So I would say, "Hold that thought" and start cultivating some self restraint and reign in the impulsiveness.

 

[0722]

I agree with Joeylittle and the others who have commented, I don't think this is trauma. The internet is a horrible place, where people say a lot of horrible things, people hide behind a computer. I don't think this is PTSD.

I was diagnosed with PTSD by my doctor, because I had come out of a very abusive relationship. I think there is a BIG difference between people saying horrible things on the internet and being in an abusive relationship. I was emotionally abused where I was forced to not go out of the house by my ex-partner when I was pregnant, he sometimes didn't let me borrow his car when I needed medical attention when I was pregnant, he was violent, and he even threatened to kidnap our daughter from me, my ex-partners Mum even physically tried to kidnap my daughter and take her to another country. I think there is a big difference between that and some comments you received off a forum.

 

[TeeI]

snip

I wish to make it very clear that not once have I ever believed anything of the sort. It was a catastrophic failure in communication, the result of me approaching a serious subject with an off-handed reply while distracted by something else. The idea behind it was to avoid the kind of problems with race present in some countries but I utterly failed in putting it into words. I tried to fix it later on. I am an international student - most of my school mates are foreigners. After I contacted the guy who threw the nastiest insults I admitted that it scares me I managed to write something like that even on accident, because it borders on Nazi ideology.

I agree with Joeylittle and the others who have commented, I don't think this is trauma. The internet is a horrible place, where people say a lot of horrible things, people hide behind a computer. I don't think this is PTSD.

Yes, this is indeed true. While looking for ways to help myself, all the articles dealing with trauma used far more serious examples and it felt quite absurd - and a bit disrespectful - to use the aid provided to help with recovering from an internet argument.

So I would say, "Hold that thought" and start cultivating some self restraint and reign in the impulsiveness.

A lack of filter was indeed my biggest weakness.

 

[The Albatross]

Words are tricky things... even when well chosen it's interpretation is up to the ears that hear and perceive or intuit them. Happens here, and also to me frequently. I do question though why you have joined a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder forum?

 

[Sighs]

So... you had a bad experience on an internet forum because you said some things that offended strangers. And here you are... on an internet forum... saying things that offend strangers... mmmmm

 

[0722]

Well said Sighs.

 

[TeeI]

I do question though why you have joined a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder forum?

I have been struggling to recover from this for months now and was looking for any insight people might have to help. Under absolutely no condition am I trying to make mockery of people with genuine PTSD as a result of horrible experiences, but I truly could not think of any other place to help me deal with this. Again, I have been struggling to determine exactly what my condition is. I do not think a guilty conscience alone explains a reaction like the one I had.