NataliesStory
New Here
Hi, and thank you for viewing my thread,
I'm 19 years old, currently in college (and hoping to remain this way for some time to come). I was traumatized by something that was "unconventional" as far as diagnoses go, yet my doctor gave me this diagnosis of PTSD anyway. (Just as a heads up in not one to talk about what happened... It was indescribable and I have encountered true human cruelty... That's about all I can describe it as.) I've made a lot of progress since starting treatment. Last year - my first year of college :( - I was in a constant state of not-being-present, not really here but rather there, trying my best not to feel anything (or think anything or do anything or be reminded of anything, which meant protecting myself by keeping away from lots of stuff). I didn't consider myself a person, and I felt that I had no future, and if I had one I didn't deserve one... and this was all flickering as I tried to come to bring my naturally hopeful, optimistic, joyful, humanity-loving self to the brutal reality that evil was a truth of the world, and that humans were capable of terrible things. And that humans had inflicted terrible things on me.
That was last year though. After some nine months of therapy, I would say I'm a lot better. My laugh is genuine, I am friendly and outgoing again, I'm unafraid to go out into the world now. I'm getting back into myself, enjoying the stuff I did three years ago when this event was unimaginable. I still get flashbacks from time to time, I still freeze up and need to physically remove myself to accommodate the mental removal I am experiencing, and sometimes I still cry... but it's been greatly mitigated. It's not the black hole threatening all of my head space anymore, it's more like a little alien that sometimes comes and stomps over my otherwise peaceful mind.
My issue lately has been... Well, this week has been hard. The Mockingjay movie brought some calm memories and conscious, safe, voluntary acknowledgement of what happened, but then I was watching a show with my friend the next day and one of the most blatantly triggering things happened and... I'm not thinking about that specific trigger but still it set off a mood and a current state of mind where it's more dark and rainy gray than it is light.
I get that this will pass - it has lately - but I am concerned because I'm about to start a job - becoming an almost full time worker while also being a full time student - and I'm not sure how well I'm going to be able to manage being traumatized and disassociated at random. Right now my aim on here is to seek out some recovery tips, and see if I can implement them in my daily life so I can... well, continue on the life path I had before all of this crap came along.
And hopefully I'll get to meet some people here too, and learn from your journeys!
Thanks again for viewing. I've been a semi-lurker for a while, I look forward to finally participating here now!
I'm 19 years old, currently in college (and hoping to remain this way for some time to come). I was traumatized by something that was "unconventional" as far as diagnoses go, yet my doctor gave me this diagnosis of PTSD anyway. (Just as a heads up in not one to talk about what happened... It was indescribable and I have encountered true human cruelty... That's about all I can describe it as.) I've made a lot of progress since starting treatment. Last year - my first year of college :( - I was in a constant state of not-being-present, not really here but rather there, trying my best not to feel anything (or think anything or do anything or be reminded of anything, which meant protecting myself by keeping away from lots of stuff). I didn't consider myself a person, and I felt that I had no future, and if I had one I didn't deserve one... and this was all flickering as I tried to come to bring my naturally hopeful, optimistic, joyful, humanity-loving self to the brutal reality that evil was a truth of the world, and that humans were capable of terrible things. And that humans had inflicted terrible things on me.
That was last year though. After some nine months of therapy, I would say I'm a lot better. My laugh is genuine, I am friendly and outgoing again, I'm unafraid to go out into the world now. I'm getting back into myself, enjoying the stuff I did three years ago when this event was unimaginable. I still get flashbacks from time to time, I still freeze up and need to physically remove myself to accommodate the mental removal I am experiencing, and sometimes I still cry... but it's been greatly mitigated. It's not the black hole threatening all of my head space anymore, it's more like a little alien that sometimes comes and stomps over my otherwise peaceful mind.
My issue lately has been... Well, this week has been hard. The Mockingjay movie brought some calm memories and conscious, safe, voluntary acknowledgement of what happened, but then I was watching a show with my friend the next day and one of the most blatantly triggering things happened and... I'm not thinking about that specific trigger but still it set off a mood and a current state of mind where it's more dark and rainy gray than it is light.
I get that this will pass - it has lately - but I am concerned because I'm about to start a job - becoming an almost full time worker while also being a full time student - and I'm not sure how well I'm going to be able to manage being traumatized and disassociated at random. Right now my aim on here is to seek out some recovery tips, and see if I can implement them in my daily life so I can... well, continue on the life path I had before all of this crap came along.
And hopefully I'll get to meet some people here too, and learn from your journeys!
Thanks again for viewing. I've been a semi-lurker for a while, I look forward to finally participating here now!
