Isolated and running out of time?

[Whirlwind]

Hello,

I started writing and went way too long. I attempted to summarize my concern below so the long version doesn't need to be read.

I've been doing good. Its been years of struggle and I've made progress. But my life...I'm not sure it can be fixed. Isolation is a horror to me due to my childhood. But here I am today, no friends, family, I lost what I had and I'm getting older. I feel like I have lost step with the world and this may be my reality.

I got sick recently and there I was needing emergency contact names, someone to drive me to the hospital. Unexpected situations like this rattle me. I have social skills, I joined some clubs, tried reconnecting with old friends. Only one person knows me today and they may not be good for me so I keep them at a safe distance.

But honestly, overall it feels like the world is just to busy, everyone is leading their lives as they rightfully should. I don't wish my situation on anyone. But I'm in a catch 22, I am post therapy and managing but this issue is an Achilles heel for me and few can relate. I am concerned this could be my undoing, it was once before. It doesn't help I work from home and this is unlikely to change.

This is the only place I know that might be able to understand my predicament.

Thank you for your time, Whirlwind

---------------Optional----------------


I was extremely isolated growing up - no friends, no exposure to other kids. I had my brother and we were very close until early teens but then he was gone when he became one of “them”. He was my first major loss.

It was a literal miracle but made it to college and I remade myself. I learned socialization skills during this time, and how to act “normal”.

As an adult I did well and I met a nice guy. We were together for 13 wonderful, absolutely abuse free years. In the end he cheated on me and I ended our relationship. We delayed starting a family and then it was too late for me due to age.

Our break up was amicable and I assumed I lost his family but they came to me and said I had been with them for too long and would always be part of their family. I was...overwhelmed by the sentiment. My ex and I said we would remain friends. It seemed so decent after everything we had been to each other.

I was such a fool. That isn’t how it works. I think I could have handled this phase but thinking I was permanent messed me up.

Those were dark times for me. I lost the grounding I had created as an adult. Then went my few remaining friends ... no drama, mostly just "divorce casualties". Then my career which was my fault.

So my losses just kept accumulating and I was so out of it at the time I didn't realize how serious the fallout would be for me psychologically.

Then my FOO spontaneously emerged and their brief reentry into my life at such a bad time sent me reeling right down the rabbit hole.

I did get therapy, and I made some survival choices during this time, some good, some bad. Anyway, I am still here, barely. I barely made it this time. I survived my childhood, but this second round in my life cost me terribly and I almost didn't make it.

I worry if there is a "round 3" in my life, it is going to break me. I'm not sure how to get a "life" created these days, at my age starting from zero. I have been trying for a few years now. I handled an unexpected illness this year and managed it without falling apart but it was really hard. I'm frustrated because I have come so far in many ways but I can't fix this internally, I need people and yet it may not happen. This is my therapists biggest worry for me too.

Thanks for reading.

Whirlwind

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @Whirlwind , not really helpful, but I understand much of the situation, not having in one's life what one assigns value, or the meaning of living, to.

I think there can be a way out of the isolation, but that's only part of it, I know. :hug:

 

[jacksongh]

I can honestly admit I've experienced the same feeling. After my trauma, I've locked myself in, and was socially awkward. I was also afraid of others hurting me, so I preferred staying lonely. But as I grew up, I noticed how wrong that was. Last year, I was finally able to get to know some friends, but when those people actually got to know me better, they left me.

However, that did not made me feel less about myself because I got to know a person who accepts me with all my flaws. I might not have many friends, but if you can find these honest people who will help you when you fall down, you shouldn't worry.

 

[Chava]

I relate to quite a bit of this. The really scary part for me is being sick or having an emergency and realizing it feels like there is nobody I can ask for help. I actually manage isolation on a day-to-day basic okay. But when I need to ask someone for help I feel like I'm just using them because I've struggled to be a good friend or develop the friendship. So I just feel really guilty. And I fear nobody will help if I ask, which doesn't help validate my existence. :(

That being said, I know it's hard but I'd maybe watch the thoughts around this being the end for you and never changing. I think stuff like this can change but it's really slow going and we have to develop self-compassion along the way so we aren't so horrified by connecting with others and the fears we will be rejected or not heard. I'm working more on finding peace in new ways in my alone time, but also trying to reach out to others better. It's really, really hard and uncomfortable for me!!! In a way I'm very lucky I'm a super raging alcoholic because I have AA, and that's very accessible support. Are there support groups you could try? I also do better with structured social groups...and if I stick with it (rarely :meh:) I can slowly warm up to one or two people and work on being a friend.

At the same time, I partly accept this is a real struggle for me and it's not my fault. I'm not fundamentally f*cked up or unlikable. Trauma damaged how I relate to others, but slowly I can work on that, though it feels very important to find ways to be okay on my own too since I don't have a family. I just need to know a few people are there for me when needed...but work on also developing friendships that don't feel one-sided (they help me in an emergency but don't rely on me in their own struggles because I'm not perhaps a reliable support). I lump past-present-future together a lot and it overwhelms me...I have those ideas that it has always been bad, I've always been on the outside, and so it will always be like this. But that might only be true if I keep telling myself this. I've improved a few relationships by not letting myself believe this, but it has been hard and tiring work. For me, working on human connections is about as challenging as making myself eat to recover from anorexia...I just have to do it sometimes, in spite of the huge fear and discomfort. But I am very selective in who I trust and the work is staying connected with those people vs drifting away, like I do...

I have really early trauma and rarely even felt connected to my family. I was isolating myself really early on. But I think we can learn new patterns, but it's like learning a new language or instrument (how my therapist describes it)...it's not natural to us but takes a sort of commitment and not giving up. If you have a therapist, that's a start. Then if you have any structured groups or interests that can connect you to others, even in a casual way, that's helpful. I've existed for a very long time without close friendships or connections and I feel it eat away at my health. But in trying to face it head on, vs believe I can't change and am just an outcast on a deep level, I'm learning more about how I relate...what helps, what patterns limit me, what kinds of social situations aren't worth it, etc. I don't have a good record for even trying at relationships...I don't let anyone into my bubble.

Are there some things you haven't tried or would be willing to carefully try again? Are there ways you are working on self compassion and feeling like you can take care of yourself even while isolated? I know it's painful, but please don't give up hope. I relate to you so you're not totally "alone", though I understand the feelings of chronic isolation.

 

[Whirlwind]

Thank you all. I had a tough winter but I'm back now, pulling myself up yet again.

I lump past-present-future together a lot and it overwhelms me...I have those ideas that it has always been bad, I've always been on the outside, and so it will always be like this. But that might only be true if I keep telling myself this. I've improved a few relationships by not letting myself believe this, but it has been hard and tiring work.

This.

Are there some things you haven't tried or would be willing to carefully try again? Are there ways you are working on self compassion and feeling like you can take care of yourself even while isolated?

Yes..and I'm not sure. I am going to make changes this year. Anything, just something.

I just took one small step in that direction.

I am thinking it is time to take the plunge and relocate...I have spent my whole life in my childhood city. I left once for 1.5 yrs and it was wonderful for me, I felt NEW. I am so triggered by this city. My therapist had me dot a map once with all of the places that had bad memories for me. That exercise really struck me....how trapped I feel here.

Thanks for listening, Whirlwind

 

[Chava]

I love living far away in a place that I chose and only create my own associations to (mostly good, but of course I just have shit days wherever I go). I don't understand how people stay close to home, but I wanted to move away when I was five years old. :joyful: Freedom!!