Triggered and it makes me feel isolated

[Rorster93]

Or am I just a bad person? I go to dinner with my boyfriend and his friends. One of his friends likes to pick on me, but it was always verbal. That night he flicked my hair. I got angry but didn't show it because I wanted to have a good night. Then he sneaks up and touches my shoulder from behind. I freak out and ask what the f*ck is wrong with him. He said I was gonna spill my drink but I didn't turn back around, I stayed facing him and even decided to awkwardly stand. I was soiled up for the rest of the night.

My boyfriends friends grew up with healthy social development. I did not so I am socially awkward. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time at socializing events because at any time, everyone is going to strike or get mad at me and yell and throw me out or rush me away. So I come off as a little weird.

We got in the car to drive home, my bf asked what was wrong. I told him nothing. He kept pushing so I asked him "why should I tell you when you don't understand?" Like he didn't understand the last time I got triggered from a drunk guy in my face. He said I was rude in that instance. So why should I tell him what is bothering me? Well I tell him about the hair flicking and touching. I don't like touching. I DONT LIKE TO BE TOUCHED AND I'VE SAID IT SO MANY TIMES I DONT SEE HOW PEOPLE WHO KNOW ME DO NOT KNOW THIS. Or maybe im just talking out my ass. Yeah I'm just talking out my ass when I have an extensive mental health record with a diagnosis of PTSD and comorbid depression. I'm just talking out my ass when I have to take a cocktail of deugs everynight just to function in society. Im just talking out my ass! Thats all im doing its just a label to look cool even tho i tell not a soul who doesnt need to know. Then he's like, "well why are you mad at me then" I wasn't mad at him, I was just mad but then he soils up and the ride home was in silence and he is now giving me the cold shoulder. When he calms down I am going to ask him why he was upset and if he says because he felt I was taking it out on him, then we'll be fine, but if he says "my friends are nothing but nice to you" that may be a sign that this relationship is not working out.

Or maybe I'm just a shitty person to be around. His friend was talking about why was there such an uptick in suicides in first responders, but first responders shouldn't get diagnosed or have any documented mental health treatment because then they can't buy a gun and it will follow for the rest of their lives. In my head, I just wanted to tell him that maybe because there are people like him in this world who judge and discourage people from getting mental health treatment. But I'm the asshole.

 

[arfie]

Or maybe I'm just a shitty person to be around.

for sure, the self-judgement doesn't help. i have yet to untangle a psycho snot knot while i was busy beating myself up. be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.

i feel like my own psychotic trigger events are isolating by nature. with a random touch of a shoulder, i catapult from the world i share with other people to a world of psychotic delusion. how do you spell isolation? in my own symptom management i calm the psychosis before i attempt to understand wtf just happened. when i am in a triggered state, i have the intelligence and grounding of a rabid dog. i save the analysis for a calmer moment.

breathing with you, rorster. easy does it. first things first.

 

[Rorster93]

I don't have any friends and I won't ever have friends because of how I am. Where do I go after accepting that? Anger towards my abusers. Anger towards the stigma associated with mental illness in the Hispanic community. Anger towards my caretakers, my mother, my step-dad who thought himself entitled to my mind, my body, my life.

Knowing I'm destined to live a life of loneliness is devastating and brings me to tears. I didn't deserve to be f*cked up like that. No child is. And now, even after people expire, I'm still left to live with this for the rest of my life. It will never escape me, it will always be with me. It gets so tiring. Panic attacks and having to take medicine that further drains my energy. Sometimes I wish I had the guts to off myself but I don't and just tell myself that it will happen some day anyway and when that day comes I'll finally be free of PTSD.

When I'm alone, I cry for myself and the struggle. I cry for those who struggle like me. If there's an afterlife, please let it be better than this.

 

[arfie]

I don't have any friends and I won't ever have friends because of how I am. Where do I go after accepting that?

if you are taking votes, i vote that you challenge that acceptance. healing happens. allow yourself to heal and friendship will happen. my own first step away from this grim acceptance was learning how to befriend myself.

If there's an afterlife, please let it be better than this.

you don't have to wait for the afterlife. healing can happen right here on earth. hope it happens to you.

 

[Rorster93]

you don't have to wait for the afterlife. healing can happen right here on earth. hope it happens to you.

Thank you, arfie that means a lot. Thank you for your kind words. I hope for healing for all of us on this forum.

 

[Susan Jane]

Or am I just a bad person? I go to dinner with my boyfriend and his friends. One of his friends likes to pick on me, but it was always verbal. That night he flicked my hair. I got angry but didn't show it because I wanted to have a good night. Then he sneaks up and touches my shoulder from behind. I freak out and ask what the f*ck is wrong with him. He said I was gonna spill my drink but I didn't turn back around, I stayed facing him and even decided to awkwardly stand. I was soiled up for the rest of the night.

My boyfriends friends grew up with healthy social development. I did not so I am socially awkward. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time at socializing events because at any time, everyone is going to strike or get mad at me and yell and throw me out or rush me away. So I come off as a little weird.

We got in the car to drive home, my bf asked what was wrong. I told him nothing. He kept pushing so I asked him "why should I tell you when you don't understand?" Like he didn't understand the last time I got triggered from a drunk guy in my face. He said I was rude in that instance. So why should I tell him what is bothering me? Well I tell him about the hair flicking and touching. I don't like touching. I DONT LIKE TO BE TOUCHED AND I'VE SAID IT SO MANY TIMES I DONT SEE HOW PEOPLE WHO KNOW ME DO NOT KNOW THIS. Or maybe im just talking out my ass. Yeah I'm just talking out my ass when I have an extensive mental health record with a diagnosis of PTSD and comorbid depression. I'm just talking out my ass when I have to take a cocktail of deugs everynight just to function in society. Im just talking out my ass! Thats all im doing its just a label to look cool even tho i tell not a soul who doesnt need to know. Then he's like, "well why are you mad at me then" I wasn't mad at him, I was just mad but then he soils up and the ride home was in silence and he is now giving me the cold shoulder. When he calms down I am going to ask him why he was upset and if he says because he felt I was taking it out on him, then we'll be fine, but if he says "my friends are nothing but nice to you" that may be a sign that this relationship is not working out.

Or maybe I'm just a shitty person to be around. His friend was talking about why was there such an uptick in suicides in first responders, but first responders shouldn't get diagnosed or have any documented mental health treatment because then they can't buy a gun and it will follow for the rest of their lives. In my head, I just wanted to tell him that maybe because there are people like him in this world who judge and discourage people from getting mental health treatment. But I'm the asshole.

Hello Rorster93,

well first off I think the person who touched you when you clearly did not like it, is the socially awkward one not you . Is it social healthy to get drunk and bother other people? . I would day no, but it is something that happens quite a lot, in public when people drink. I feel you may think you are weird but I don‘t, I would have reacted the same.

Be gentle with yourself, I know this feeling, trying to fit in a world we think is normal. Sending my understanding, setting boundaries to feel safe and content is hard work. Susan

 

[Rorster93]

Hello Rorster93,

well first off I think the person who touched you when you clearly did not like it, is the socially awkward one not you . Is it social healthy to get drunk and bother other people? . I would day no, but it is something that happens quite a lot, in public when people drink. I feel you may think you are weird but I don‘t, I would have reacted the same.

Be gentle with yourself, I know this feeling, trying to fit in a world we think is normal. Sending my understanding, setting boundaries to feel safe and content is hard work. Susan

Thank you for this. It's hard to see clearly during and immediately after. I realize my bf's friends are his friends and I don't necessarily have to be as close to them as he is. Not all of his friends are like that. Mainly the female friends I can hang out with and most of the male friends are respectful. There are only two of them that I feel I need to keep my distance.

Why is my default to think I'm the bad one, I'm the disrespectful one, the unsocialized? I think this stems from lack of self esteem. When my mother blames me for the crimes of her husband and growing up bullied in school, what else am I supposed to think? A good lesson in building my self-esteem and looking at things more objectively (because I'm still human and make mistakes) might help with the feeling of walking on eggshells in social situations and defaulting to self-blame and self-judgment when things go awry.

 

[Roland]

I think if you can't resolve this with your boyfriend and get him to stand up for you and respect your boundaries then it's not worth continuing the relationship.

If my husband's friends were bothering me and I told them to stop and they kept it up my husband would back me up not blame me for being rude or whatever else.

Like Susan said it's not socially acceptable to continue harassing people or to be drunk and get all in people's faces.

Though I do understand blaming yourself first, it's something you have to work through. It's my default as well, but realizing no I had healthy boundaries and they crossed them, it doesn't matter if I'm triggered or not, I told them not to do that and they did it, now what. Do I stop hanging around them? Probably. Do I find another way to say it in case they misunderstood? Maybe but only with a plan for when they inevitably do it again. "If you do that again I'm going home" and your boyfriend just needs to understand you, you have to be able to communicate with him and if no success after working on being more clear, probably best not to be with him.

 

[Susan Jane]

Thank you for this. It's hard to see clearly during and immediately after. I realize my bf's friends are his friends and I don't necessarily have to be as close to them as he is. Not all of his friends are like that. Mainly the female friends I can hang out with and most of the male friends are respectful. There are only two of them that I feel I need to keep my distance.

Why is my default to think I'm the bad one, I'm the disrespectful one, the unsocialized? I think this stems from lack of self esteem. When my mother blames me for the crimes of her husband and growing up bullied in school, what else am I supposed to think? A good lesson in building my self-esteem and looking at things more objectively (because I'm still human and make mistakes) might help with the feeling of walking on eggshells in social situations and defaulting to self-blame and self-judgment when things go awry.

I so understand this… the default thinking, the over analyzing …I had these feelings for years. I am much better now. I don‘t do groups…to overwhelming for me. . Accepting who we are and our boundaries is hard work

 

[deno]

For a long time, I thought I was the problem. I thought if I could just be a little better, a little less sensitive, a little more “normal,” maybe things would click into place. But the truth is, when you've been made to feel responsible for other people’s abuse or dismissiveness, especially by the people who were supposed to love you, you start to absorb that story without realizing it. You’re not weird for reacting to being touched. You set a boundary. They crossed it. That’s not on you.

Years ago, my therapist asked me to take a break from dating so I could just focus on myself. I didn’t get it then but now I know that it was about learning to trust my voice, to heal the inner damage so I wouldn’t keep tolerating what hurt me. It’s been a hard trail, but I’ve come to see that my feelings matter, my story matters, and I get to decide who’s safe enough to be close.

Keep holding that line for yourself. You deserve to be with people who honor your boundaries without needing a courtroom explanation. The ones who love you will want to learn you, not invalidate you.