Relationship Boundaries In Relationships

[jeapea]

I know. I've found that out. And I feel so sad all the time.

 

[Isabel]

Hi

I have mostly one rule in my relationship that I am trying to implement. That is: He is not allowed to talk aggressively to me, and has to always talk to me with respect. Recently I have been more strict with this and tell him that it is a deal breaker. If he wants to be with me, then no aggressive talk.

But since he has PTSD it seems that he sometimes has difficulty with this. He never calls me names and he does try to not say things that I can repeat and call abuse. But the line is very thin. He can be very mean without using ugly words. Often it seems like he makes up bad things about me that are not true. Usually by taking something that I said completely out of context and throwing it at me.

When he does talk to me like that I tell him I don't like it and that I am expecting an apology. My reaction depends on my mood I guess, sometimes I am outraged by the things he says to me and fight back. Then I try to wait until he calms down and apologises. It is not going very well and It takes him a long time to calm down. Sometimes up to two days.

The last time (today) he took out a suitcase and told me he would leave me. So I asked what he wanted from me, if it was really that important to him to be able to lash out on me.

I am wondering if in the past I was supposed to just not take it personally and suck it up. But I really feel that I am not strong enough to take his criticism based on his paranoid/distorted thoughts. So thats why I keep on implementing this rule.

Today I left him alone at a coffee shop because I saw he was becoming angry with me. Maybe I was being too sensitive, I don't know. I tolerate less and less now.

I really wish I was stronger and could ignore him but it is so so hard. I don't know how you do It guys.

I love him with all my heart but today just for a moment I thought to myself. I have had enough....

Isabel.

 

[Isabel]

Hi again

I am not sure how to deal with my problem, which is basically this. My boyfriend is getting slowly better and has come along way, but I get less and less tolerant of his behaviour.

Today it seemed humanly impossible for me just to think he was having a bad day and let it slide, So I decided to leave the table to really show him a lesson. I was feeling so hurt.

I'm thinking if I could have done something differently, maybe some strong woman would have tried to talk to him and then let it go. I'm not sure if I made a big mess or if I did the right thing.

Any thoughts?

Love Isabel

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hi Isabel
I've only just seen this thread. I'm guessing you walked away from him during the day and you've been agonising about it all yesterday evening.
Walking away without saying anything is sometimes the only way, especially when your coping strategies are low. It sounds like you might benefit from some counselling yourself. It has been useful for me when I was running on empty. You need to feel good about yourself again to be able to communicate your needs to your partner from a place of confidence.

Give yourself a break and be kind to yourself.
Hugs - LH

 

[Nicolette]

Recently I have been more strict with this and tell him that it is a deal breaker. If he wants to be with me, then no aggressive talk.

Hi Isabel. I totally agree with your boundary above. Just a thought, be careful of the words you chose as "deal breaker" usually means the end of the relationship and that is not happening when the verbal abuse happens. It would be good to change your 'threats' into something you can 'dish up and deliver'. Eg...there is no point saying "if you do this I will leave" when you wont but you might instead say "if you do this I will not go out in public with you until it stops". Hollow threats are just words.

But since he has PTSD it seems that he sometimes has difficulty with this.

This is sometimes a male thing and not just PTSD.

When he does talk to me like that I tell him I don't like it and that I am expecting an apology. My reaction depends on my mood I guess, sometimes I am outraged by the things he says to me and fight back. Then I try to wait until he calms down and apologises. It is not going very well and It takes him a long time to calm down. Sometimes up to two days.

Isabel this is the part which bothers me. Expecting an apology and wanting one are two different things. Usually in the midst of PTSD (which it sounds like is when you sufferer is verbally aggressive) is not the time to be expecting anything other than for them to manage themselves. Your expectation may be a little high if wanted in the moment. Getting outraged yourself will only inflate the situation and it will take longer for your sufferer to come back down. Best is what LH said..........just walk away and give them a chance to process what has happened. Walking away is an action which speaks words for itself......it says "I don't accept this and I am not putting up with this" whereas getting "outraged" is buying into the situation and just makes everyone's attitude worse.

The best skill which I have learned which has had the most impact is either saying " I don't like who you are being right now" or "you are being mean to me" and walking away with dignity. For me the verbal attacks stopped and it is very rare that they occur these days and it is generally only when hubby is really sick.

Have you read the sticky threads at the top of each section? You will find these most helpful.

Good luck. PTSD is a rocky ride and you have to be strong and stand by 'reasonable' boundaries to maintain a relationship.