I'm Defeated

[Sandstone]

My current T ( an NHS Psychologist) assessed me in Feb 2014, I finally crawled up the waiting list to be seen in January 2015. By then she had moved to another district of our region, a 70 minute drive away. She was given 16 sessions, which she was then allowed to extend by another 16. During that time she has extended my diagnosis from PTSD to complex trauma with dissociation.

We started this knowing from past experience that that actually addressing traumas was likely to be dangerous for me, and she has been making various attempts to get me admitted care while doing that phase. We've just begun to touch on it, and it is being pretty destabilising. She has concluded we need to slow down.

The funding board have turned down the application for admission to respite care. Now she has been told we can't have any more sessions - we have four left. There are no plans for anything else. I have a "Care Co-ordinator", but have never seen or heard from him.

T keeps telling me I've worked hard and engaged fully, but what was the point? I shall be stuck, useless, and a burden for ever. The best private T in the area won't do trauma work with me because she thinks it is too dangerous and the NHS won't do anything.

I'm not really asking a question, just sharing my despair

 

[ghotiff]

Hugs if they would help.

 

[Rumors]

That really sucks.... I am really sorry. Don't give up...keep searching.

 

[Sandstone]

I think giving up is probably the safest thing I can do.

 

[Digz]

That really sucks. I wish I had some advice I could give you that would help. But all I can think of is to say that I empathise. My trauma too was very dangerous to delve into, for me. It almost killed me many times. I hope you are able to get the help that you need eventually.

 

[Digz]

I guess, the only thing I can suggest, thinking on it further, is using other stress related strategies, without going into the memories. I recently had a string of new flashbacks but due to the fact that I'm working fulltime and have a 4 year old, I couldn't really delve into the memories as it would be too disruptive and I wouldn't be able to function properly. My T focused primarily on management of stress relating to my condition, to allow me to keep functioning and stay present. Maybe the private T could provide you with this kind of therapy, rather than exploring your trauma?

 

[barefoot]

@stenni - really sorry that you're in this position and that you can't get the support you so deserve.

Are there any other options in terms of other private therapists?

Or as @Digz says, can the trauma therapist you mention provide therapeutic support around other stuff, holding the traumatic context, but without actually delving deep into working on the trauma itself? Perhaps them saying they can't do trauma work with you because it's too dangerous is absolutely the right and ethical thing to do and is putting your welfare first. But leaving you hanging with no kind of care/support provision...that seems so wrong.

Do you have any sense/feeling of what it is that you really need at the moment?

 

[scout86]

This is horribly unfair! In this country, some of us think that socialized medicine would be the best way to go. Obviously it has it's limitations too. :( I hope, somehow, you can find a way to continue. You have too much to offer the world for "giving up" to be an option!

 

[Rumors]

@stenni
I can see how it would feel that way. Maybe take a break??? Don't give up!!!

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I think it stinks you are being denied the help you need. Don't give up. Don't ever give up. You are a survivor and you will get through this.

 

[Sandstone]

I've found in my dealings with MH services that hope is dangerous and destructive. When they let me down, I sink rapidly. Assuming nothing will happen is a safe buffer. Sadly, at the moment it means I can't contact them to tell them just how bad I feel at the moment, because telling them and then having nothing happen would wreck me.

T and I have been looking at why I don't get heard,( a repeating pattern in my life eg tell GP my baby is in danger , not heard, he dies, tell I've been raped, told I'm lying) but she doesn't understand it either. She accepts it happens, but doesn't know why, so how can I change it?

 

[barefoot]

I understand going down the 'why don't I get heard?' route in therapy. Though I'm wondering - if your therapist simply accepts it happens, can you try to accept that too? It sounds as though trying to understand it, trying to work out why it happens...they're things that make you wrong somehow... Because you must be doing something wrong to not be heard or else there must be something about you that makes others not hear you... Could it change anything about how you feel about this whole situation if you could move into 'simply' accepting that sometimes you have not been heard?

I'm sorry that you feel stuck in a position of not reaching out for the support you need because of the risk that involves of not having your needs met. That's a really difficult place to be caught in. I wish I had some answers for you :-(