It All Started With An Innocent Text Message

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

I received a text from one of my friends I haven't spoken to in years "When is a good time to call?"

That's it. That's all she texted, and that's all it took. From this one text, I spun out of control.

I don't wanna talk to her. I don't wanna talk to anyone. I have nothing to say. I don't know how to be a friend anymore.
Why am I angry that she reached out? Why do I feel this way? It's ridiculous. I should see if for what it is. It's a sweet guesture and that's what friends do. Im blessed to have people that care about me. I realize this. But this makes me feel even more inadequate. I used to be the social butterfly. I used to be the girl that had took and planned girl trips with her girlfriends. I used to have an event planned every weekend. I was the fun girl.

I'm not her anymore. I don't enjoy being social anymore. I like to be alone. I like to have very little stimulus in my environment. I now live in a small house, in the woods, in a tiny town with less than 500 people and I love it. I used to be a city girl.

All it took was a thoughtful text from an old friend I haven't spoke to in years and it spun my emotions right out of control.

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

I realize if she had texted some like: thinking about you.

I would have thought awe! How sweet. Or of she texted. How are you doing? Then I could have texted back.

It's the phone. She asked "when is a good time to call?" This requires something of me. I would have to pick up the phone.

To most people I realize this may not make sense. To me, its a stressor. And its the small things. I'm so frustrated with myself!!!!

 

[Friday]

I'm not her anymore. I don't enjoy being social anymore. I like to be alone. I like to have very little stimulus in my environment. I now live in a small house, in the woods, in a tiny town with less than 500 people and I love it. I used to be a city girl.

I call this 'Worlds Collide' (think Powerman5000)... When who I was shatters into either who I am, or who I am attempting to be.

It's a pretty violent thing when it happens. I've lived too many lives. It (almost) only happens when my symptoms are already dragging me off-Rez.

((<chuckling> The "almost" because I've gotten triggered as f*ck outta the blue in the middle of good years, too... Spending the next few days shaking/puking/lashing out/seriously f*cked/outta my mind. It's a really violent thing, whether I turn it inward or outward. Word to the wise : Vent the firestorm on purpose. Outward. Directed. Controlled. Or do a hard chemical reset & go to bed. Aka Valium or similar. Stop a bad cycle from kicking off one way or another, if you're not already in one!))

But most of the time I have to already be kind of edgy to have something gut me that hard. To send me right back in my head and heart to then, as opposed to now, and have those two worlds try & exist in the same space. Flashback central. :wtf: Regret. Loss. Grief.

Any other time, it might just get an Ugh. Stress. I'm isolating, here, dammit. :banghead: Or I might smile, and think warmly of past lives, but be oh so grateful for my life now, as is. Because as diametrically opposed to how I was living then? I'm happy now, too. :) And those two truths can exist without challenging each other. That was then. This is now.

Worlds Collide? f*ck me. Triggered sucks.

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

Word to the wise : Vent the firestorm on purpose. Outward. Directed. Controlled.

I like that! "World's collide". That's a great description! And vent on purpose! Yes! Yes! How do you vent that's controlled? I need to vent, I need to get this anger out!

I realized in my old world, I never once ever got angry for anything. Ever. It was ridiculous. I just never ever got upset with people. I never understood why people got angry. I used to think I was above anger (haha, insert forced laughter now) it's funny because I realize I was controlling my emotions. And that was one of the VERY big reasons I set myself up for failure in the future.

33 years of my life, never once got mad. Until I felt let that emotion happen. And I realized it's natural. It's normal. It's ok to be angry, just not take it our on anyone around me. I still work to control the anger, just in a different way.

I avoid everyone I love when I'm angry, just in case. I don't want to snap at them, because it is a very new emotion for me these past 2 years.

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

@FridayJones I literally just went to my music list and pulled up that song. Wow! It literally just took on a who new meaning. Haha. Great song

 

[Friday]

How do you vent that's controlled?

My favorite methods are physical. Burn off all the chemicals pounding in my blood the old fashioned way. :p Put them to use. In a way that I'm choosing, within clearly defined parameters... Instead of Oops. Didn't intend for that to happen. f*ck. :banghead: What methods I use depend on whether I'm doing something hard and fast, or venting a little bit every day to lower stress in general.

Physical
When I have my own space to set up as I please, I include different things along that spectrum (healthy).
- Hard and fast = a heavy bag (for beating the shit out of... With proper gloves so I'm not breaking my hands);
- Intense but highly controlled = gymnastics mats, for sparring ideally, but gymnastics if I'm on my own;
- Lighter side / every day venting; music for dancing, elliptical (cough. Set up in front of a movie/TV... Again, because like bare fisted hitting things = broken hands, if I go out running when pissed off, I'm gonna injure myself, even when my self control is good & Im just doing a daily/slow bleeding off stress via exercise... I push myself too hard. Slow = boring. Boring = not gonna happen. So I distract myself for an hour plodding along to a TV show ;)), etc.

My absolute favorite big guns methods, for grounding & venting both, are Sex, Gravity Sports (think, if you aren't present, you're gonna hurt/end up on your ass. Like surfing, snowboarding, horseback riding, fast vehicles, rappelling, etc.), & fighting. Ahem. I reeeeeeally have to mind that one. The healthy version is martial arts. That's fine. The unhealthy version of picking fights? No bueno.

That's a very good example of controlled vs uncontrolled. Sparring = control. Mouthing off & picking fights = uncontrolled.


***

I plain & simple don't always have those things available to me (either a place of my own to set up as I please, or an environment I can go slide down a mountain or hit the beach on, or a partner to lose myself in for awhile)... Or I'm injured &/or seriously out of shape so there is simply no physical way for my body to meet the demand I would need to place on it (bolded, because that was a sucky lesson to learn. If I try and meet the demand physically? Snort. Self harm instead of healthy controlled venting. Seriously bad news)... Which means do what physical things I can do, but

Non-Physical
- The swearish rant. Whether I'm writing it out, or stomping off into the woods to go dress down a tree (yeah, it look stupid, but it works)...
- Journaling or writing
- Art
- Blowing shit up
- Loud music
- Precision work (counter intuitive, this, but whether it's weapons maintenance, or geeking out, or getting all fine detailed on anything ... For whatever reason the act of doing something that requires precision, seems to require a f*ck load of energy, and helps burn off a lot of rage).
... Anything that takes all the feelings inside, and takes them outside.

I'm still trying to find more non-physical ways to convert inside outside.

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

... Anything that takes all the feelings inside, and takes them outside.

I bought a 12 x24 lofted mini-barn. Just wired it up for electric and added lighting. The idea was that I could have a time-out space. Thinking I should add a punching bag in there. The possibilities are endless so feeling a little overwhelmed on what to do with it. But I think once I get the insulation and drywall and flooring down (gives me something physical to do) maybe I will have a better idea.

Great suggestions on physical, non physical

 

[Gadgie]

Quite....."I avoid everyone I love when I'm angry, just in case. I don't want to snap at them, because it is a very new emotion for me these past 2 years."

Yea! I can relate to that, in fact with all your posts on this page, that's how my life changed.

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

I guess where I'm stuck in my head is, "how do I explain it to my friend? "

She's a pretty cool chic, and always been a good friend. I don't want to lose another friend. Before, I didn't say anything to anyone. I just shut down all my social media accounts, then stopped returning calls. Unfortunately, many people took my behaviors personally. At the time I didn't care. But I did lose some pretty great friends. Then when I tried to explain myself to a few people they took that as they needed to "fix me" and ultimately got frustrated and ended up saying hurtful things like how I needed to just move on. All sorts if unwanted, unhelpful advice.

So then there leaves a few people. That's all that's left. The ones that don't judge, don't try to fix me, understand that I I'm not the same, and love and accept me anyways. And don't push me to talk, and just accept that I may never open up about what I'm going through.

So I'm riding new territory with this friend. We have known eachother since childhood, very close in our 20s, and off and on in our 30s. Now she reached out, Im afraid.

The other so called friends, just took my fall as something to gossip about. I can't image this girl would be the type, but if I call, I risk it.

And I'm a terrible liar. So I can't pretend be ok, when I'm not.

I don't know what to do.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I wonder if she was making her Christmas cards and writing notes in them and she thinks of you. She's thinking, we were such good friends, what can I do? Send a card, or, text. She's curious and concerned. This the season to reconnect with old friends. The real ones can take anything you lay on them. What's the worst thing that could happen if you talked on the phone? It may surprise you. The fact is, she may be just what you need at this time. Imagine that. Someone who cares enough to reach out.

 

[joeylittle]

Honestly, my first thought was that she texted you by mistake. 'When's a good time to call?', from someone you haven't spoken to in awhile, with no preamble, seems odd. It makes more sense as part of an ongoing exchange.

I've mis-sent texts before, and had the same happen to me - it's a little disconcerting. My advice would be to reply 'It's great to hear from you! How are things? And did you mean to send this to me?'

This acknowledges the out of the blue nature of the text without making it negative, and it makes it easy for her to respond either way.

Just a thought.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Lots of perspective up above me. I would freeze up/freak out as well, especially considering the reactions of others who have been close to you and the length of time between contact. I would wonder why she didn't just call you. There is nothing wrong with not replying to her as this is your life and you make the decisions for yourself, right? Also, as joeylittle noted, it might have been a mis-text anyway. Either way, the ball is in your court and it's your life, so do what feels best for you. Sometimes, the path of least resistance works best in the moment.

Then, it might be helpful to figure out why this was so triggering for you and work on that inside of yourself and in therapy. This seems to present an opportunity for you. I always "try" to find the opportunity or lesson in something that is upsetting or hurtful/harmful. Maybe re-framing the situation might ease your disquiet and emotional upset, and help with your healing? Just a thought. Maybe she gave you an early gift for Christmas. It's all in how you look at it. VB

@FridayJones - I love your approach/response to PTSD and it's many facets, in general. You offer much to consider and think about that is often very different from my way of thinking - which is a good thing in terms of growth and healing. Helps to get outside the box of my mind or Pandora's. Thank you for sharing your perspectives!