Like Many People In My Situation, I'm Finding It Hard To Break Contact With My Family

[YourLuckyMaiden]

So my mother and pretty much everyone on her family has been insanely abusive, from name calling, to brainwashing, to physical/sexual abuse. The only reason I've stayed in contact is for my little brother. But recently my mother has decided to put all of the blame from my rape on me, and has taught my 11 year old brother that it is okay to say "fag", knowing that I'm bisexual, even in school. She even argued with me about how it wasn't a bad word. She's corrupting my little brother, and there's nothing I can do about it, and this has been the last straw. I've decided that I need to break contact from my mother's side of the family, but I feel terrible because I feel like I'm abandoning my little brother in the process. He's turned into a bigoted little shit but he's still my little brother and he's only 11, I don't know what to do.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I remember when I moved out and left my three sibs behind with my sadist father. I felt like a rat jumping ship before it goes down and later on learned that I was experiencing survivors guilt. I can relate to how you feel and it is time I think for you to pull the plug for now and take good care of yourself for a while.

I had to disconnect from my family and it was so very hard because I was grieving the loss of my fantasy that my family would get better. They brought out the worst overreactions inside of me and I feel great regret for that, my family is too dysfunctional to deal with face to face. I have had both parents die and I have lost contact with two of my sibs and I do have contact with one sib phone conversations only because she is so exhausting to spend face to face time. You are not alone as you said. It is hard to do. I wish you well.

 

[YourLuckyMaiden]

I remember when I moved out and left my three sibs behind with my sadist father. I felt like a rat jumping...

Thank you, this helped a lot.

 

[Friday]

He's turned into a bigoted little shit but he's still my little brother and he's only 11, I don't know what to do.

My son did that... For about a year. Also right around 11. Hardcore identifying with his abuser / attempting-willing to do anything to get his fathers love/approval. He grew out of it. Most kids do. Doesn't make it any easier.

 

[shimmerz]

Hardcore identifying with his abuser / attempting-willing to do anything to get his fathers love/approval.

This is a really fine line, I am finding. The desire to be there for those you love who are touched by this identifying behaviour is so very difficult. The question for me has been 'when to stop exposing myself' to the toxic stuff your loved one is being filled with and normally brings back for your general consumption.

I wish I had an answer for you .... but really just a warning. If you find you are noticing a switch in your personality, are overly defensive, are suffering mentally or physically due to this.... then stand back. You can always go back in later and in fact will be more of a help for your loved ones if you are shored up. Frequent breaks.

 

[Ronin]

As heavy as this will be? If that ship is going down, your responsibility is to save yourself.

You can try to be a better influence on him when you're in a stable place, yourself. Without being enmeshed in all the soul crippling bullshit they've been spewing, seeing through it clear and standing your ground clear, which don't always come hand in hand.

So far it's their failure to parent & educate & basic-human. Not yours.

 

[Bookoffee]

I wish I had an answer for you .... but really just a warning. If you find you are noticing a switch in your personality, are overly defensive, are suffering mentally or physically due to this.... then stand back. You can always go back in later and in fact will be more of a help for your loved ones if you are shored up. Frequent breaks.

I have to echo this. All my siblings jumped ship when I was 8. I had one brother that would come back every once in a while and it was those times I was able to remember love.