Relationship Marine Boyfriend Pushes Me Away

[JasminaD]

My boyfriend is a marine and came back from Afghanistan in December. We've been dating for over 4 months now and things have gotten rocky. He used to call me randomly just to say hi and would text me throughout the day; he used to say he missed me and couldn't wait to see me and did not go a day without telling me he loved me (he first said it on Mothers Day). He would ask about my daughter on a daily basis and the three of us would do activities together.

Ever since Memorial Day he has been distant and more detached. He began wearing his dog tags everyday, talking about war and posting more and more about Iraq and marine topics on Facebook. Some days we would see eachother and not even talk. His texts decreased throughout the day which was a huge change and he no longer told me he loved me or even held my hand. This was a complete change from even a week before when he told me how much he loved me and how I was his other half. He stopped asking about my daughter who he adored and began sleeping more and drinking (he rarely drinks) so I knew something was up. He seemed increasingly agitated with things that never bothered him before, such as being cut off on the expressway.

He told me that he felt like this when he first came home from Afghanistan and that it wasn't me - he didn't want to be around family or friends either and somedays he felt happy and others he felt miserable. He was never officially diagnosed with PTSD but has said that had he talked to them about it, he would have been. He stated numerous times that I have so much going for myself and that he didn't want to ruin it. I reassured him that I wasn't going anywhere no matter how much he pushed me away and that we could get through this together just as we had talked about when we first started dating. I also told him I don't need him to protect me and that it was my choice to stay with him. Things sort of went back to normal until the following week when he broke up with me saying he had to do this by himself and that he cared about me but couldn't be with me. I gave him his space and told him if he wanted to talk I'd always be here and I wasn't going to give up on him or us. He finally texted me two days later asking if I would ever talk to him again and I said of course. Even though we are broken up he talks to me just as he had when we first started dating and has sent me goodnight texts, initiated conversations with me and asked about my daughter again. He's made jokes about how I should leave work and come cuddle with him. Finally, we made plans to see each other tomorrow and when I asked of we were still on he said maybe. Maybe? Really?!

I love him and am so in love with him. I've tried to be as understanding as possible that he's going through things but it's so hard when he pushes and pulls and pretty much won't talk about his feelings. When I talk about my feelings he just shuts down and won't look me in the eyes and says he can't be with me. A part of me wonders if he's scared to be in a relationship while he's going through this because his ex (from 2 years ago) while he was deployed and when he came back on a short stay told him that he changed and she wished something would have happened to him while he was overseas. He always says he cares about me and that it's things he's dealing with in his head. When I try to be there for him he pushes me away and when I give him space he wants me back.

Has anyone else gone through this or does anyone have suggestions or ideas on how I should go about the situation? I just feel it in my gut that he wants to be with me as much as I want it but he just doesn't know how to express what he's going through and it's easier to push me away?

 

[Laura 2]

@JasminaD
I'm sorry to hear about your rocky relationship.
I don't know anything much about vets+PTSD (apart from being a child of two frontline vets which, with the hindsight and wisdom of advancing years, I can see as a negative factor in their ability to parent, though also a positive in other ways).

With that said, I've read here and elsewhere that Memorial Day (like Remembrance Day and now also Veterans Day in the UK) often provokes overwhelming memories and triggers regardless of diagnosis or not. So many people live in misery - especially older generations - because of ignorance and prejudice about PTSD. (Actually, having read about the movement to rename PTSD more accurately as post traumatic stress injury, I much prefer 'PTSI'.)

What I'd say, as a sufferer, is that your Marine has to do it for himself. He has to get in touch with the right doctors/VA, get the diagnosis and treatment. Maybe he has to hit rock bottom before he does so- more than a few military people still seem to feel that asking for help for a 'mental' condition is a sign of weakness.

Meanwhile, you can do no more that offer a one-time suggestion that he seek a diagnosis, give him an assurance that you'll be there for him with (reasonable) support, and then get on with your life. You must take care of yourself and your daughter and put your needs first. Not only is that reasonable but it's also clear that your guy cannot give your needs any priority currently or in the foreseeable future until he's well along the treatment road.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm so sorry for what you are both going through.

He needs to get into treatment. Until then, this is the kind of path you can expect. There will be times he is ok with being closer with you, and other times he will be abandoning, distant, and be pushing you away. PTSD often gets worse before it gets better, so even if he gets treatment, you can expect that this kind of being very close to being very distant will get worse for awhile.

You can't change him. He knows there is help out there and he will reach out for it when he is ready. All you can change is you. Anything you can do to build up your own support network will help get through these times better. I would spend time with friends, perhaps pay dates for your daughter with other kids and their moms, and I always recommend every supporter get theraputic support for themselves. There are two reasons for this: 1.) it helps "normalize" the need for help for the suffer, they see that it's ok to ask for help 2.) more importantly, PTSD is awful and very hard to deal with, and everyone should have support when walking through it with someone.

It is also very good to tell him honestly and directly what you are and are not ok with. You have needs in the relationship too, and that's ok. A sufferer needs compassion, but compassion doesn't mean a supporter forsaking all their needs too. If you need him to better assess what plans he can make that are firm and what plans he needs to be tentative, that's ok to ask for. You likely already know that consistency and dependability is key for kids, and it is for adults too. It might help him see his need for help. It's even ok to say that you can't do this with him if he's not willing to get treatment for the very real hell he has been through and is going through now. Perhaps directing him to the sister site of my combat PTSD might be a good resource to pass on to him so that he can know he isn't alone and that with treatment, there is great reason to hope things can be a lot better.

If he is unwilling to get treatment and help, I would take time to seriously consider if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in long term, and if it is the right relationship for your daughter to be around too. It is extremely unlikely for anything to change without him getting help. It is a very hard truth to accept, but it is one you face now, before it gets harder. You can't change him on your own. All you can do is give space to him when he asks for it, be honest about your needs, and get your own support and needs met elsewhere.

 

[Sighs]

Hi! Welcome!

I have been with my combat PTSD vet for just over a year. My head knows that he "just" needs to vent or "just" needs space, but it bruises my heart a little every time he yells at me about something that isn't my fault or withdraws from me to clear his head. You have to decide how much bruising your heart can take.

Treatment is a good idea, but be aware that often things get worse in treatment before they get better. And even with treatment his PTSD is unlikely to ever "go away".

You don't say how old your daughter is, but you need to think about the impact on her. My daughter has high functioning autism and she and my vet did not get along. I have moved interstate to be with him and she chose to stay with my parents so she could finish high school. I don't think I would still be with my vet if we were all living together - he could not have coped with the stress her autism placed on him and she did not cope well with the unpredictability of his PTSD. That doesn't make either of them bad people. (Yes, leaving her probably makes me a bad mother but that's another discussion!)

Getting some support for yourself is a very good idea (here on the forum and elsewhere). Generally your friends and family will not understand and will tell you he is being a jerk and you should leave him. Having said that jerks get PTSD too, so it can be hard to pick out what behaviour is PTSD related and what is not.

There's a reason my name here is Sighs!

 

[DawnMarie77]

I can totally relate to you. I am with my boyfriend for over two years. he was diagnosed with PTSD however he wont take the medication. He hates medicine of any kind even for a plain cold. he was in the VA PTSD program for a few months he wanted to come home he said he been there long enough. When he came home he we here for about 2 weeks and i noticed him spacing out being distant . I figured it was an episode so i back off and give him the space but i maintain a smile and try to keep up with the daily routine. Dinner some movies cuddling. however after two more weeks i cam home from work and he was gone he left his keys and took his clothes i was and still am devastated. I worry about him so much it kills me inside. he has done this before and has come back a dew days a few weeks later. I feel like I cant just give up on him I cannot even imagine what he has endured over seas. I dont know if he is done or not he dont answer my calls and he dont call me but he has always been that way he also shuts out his mom often she calls me to speak with him and he tells me not to answer mostly all the time. I gues this is separation right? I really need someone to talk to to help me better understand I know i will take my time with him and i will not push him into anything. I wont give up on him he is not just must better half he is my friend his well being means so much to me. I dont know if he will ever be ok and i am ok with that i just need some help learning how to cope so i can be a better listener for him so i can understand more and it wont hurt my heart as much when he takes time to seperate from the world. I believe my biggest fear is losing him all together. He never had love growing up he was always pushed away. I dont want to be one of those people in his life I am here to stay to help cope to love him and understand him does anyone have any ideas or help they can give me

 

[Orion87]

I've seen a few posts on here about boyfriends yelling at girlfriends for something that is totally not their fault. My (Marine, vet, with PTSD) boyfriend does this too, not often, but I'm starting to think that maybe a lot of male PTSD sufferers do this. That they lash out at the ones closest to them - for what reason, I don't know. As a protective measure, against feeling vulnerable? If anyone has any insight on this I would be very curious to hear.

 

[Friday]

@Orion87

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.83659/

 

[Orion87]

@Orion87

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.83659/[/QUOT...

Wow, thank you. Such a simple (obvious) description. Very illuminating.