Raging outbursts and can't control them

[Bacon Overdose]

New to the page. I am 33 and was medically retired from the army nearly two years ago. Main issues are my spine and PTSD/TBI. I'm rated 100% thru the VA for PTSD and am on SSDI.

I am a time bomb. But it is almost always with my family. The tiniest things can set me off. I can look back on the situation and see how f*cked up I was, but by then the damage is done.

Tonight it was my son. He just turned 11. Great kid...extremely smart and full of potential. But the boy does like to take shortcuts and has become a habitual liar which is one thing that drives me nuts. He has been working towards his final Cub Scouts award before becoming a Boy Scout. For he last few months, the only time he works on scouts is when I tell him to sit down and do it. This has made me wonder if he even wants to participate. He has told my wife and I consistently that he does. Today I told him to work on it and he came to me saying he was done with a particular assignment. Upon looking at it, it was clear he didn't read his manual and do it properly like I had instructed him to do.

So I opened up the manual and started to read it to him, and then asked if he had done it. He said no and then we play the game of him not saying a word. I now think it is a defensive mechanism for him, but once I start getting angry, him not answering me pushes me over the edge. After giving him ample opportunities to just answer a simple yes or no question, I grabbed him by the arm and started yelling in his face to answer me. This was followed by two smacks in the side of the head. My wife then intervened and my son went downstairs.

I don't want to be like this. It isn't fair to my wife and kids. Hell, it isn't fair to me either. I sometimes wonder if I should just file for divorce and leave because they might be better off without me around. I love my children and my wife but don't want them to suffer anymore. Therapy in the past has done nothing to help, and neither have the medications. If anyone has any suggestions then I'm all ears because I don't have a damn clue what to do at this point.

 

[Sighs]

Hugs if you accept them.

My vet is very similar. Also suffers from PTSD, TBI and spinal problems. (Sigh! Paratroopers! The human body is not designed to hit the ground that hard that often!)

I also tend to clam up when he is raging at me. I'm just too scared to answer him. I know any answer is just going to make things worse. But then again so does no answer.

However - and this is the really important bit - I have told my vet that if his verbal abuse ever becomes physical then I will leave. Your son doesn't have that option. Society accepts parents hitting children. It shouldn't.

I'm not telling you to leave your family permanently (as in a divorce) but I am telling you that you need to call a time out. You need to walk away BEFORE you lose your cool. No point trying to stop the cart at the top of the roller coaster.

Are you able to talk to your wife about how to handle parenting so that situations like this can be better managed? Is she able to intervene safely? By that I mean, is she able to call a time out or do you simply turn the rage on her? If the latter, are you physically violent with her? If so, you need urgent professional help to change this behaviour.

You are not a monster. You are suffering and struggling. You have been brave enough to share the problem with the forum.

 

[Virtues]

Bacon OD, I am a combat vet and I can relate to what you are going through. Not too long ago I had my own encounter that turned physical; it scared the life out of me. I was a firefighter so I always carried 3 things in my truck just in case I came across a vehicle accident: my med bag, a pair of extrication gloves, and a crash axe. Well one day while driving in traffic some "A" hole blocked me in at a stop sign. Of course I didn't take too kindly to this, so I drug him out of his vehicle and found myself holding my crash axe to his head...

It was at this time I determined that inpatient treatment is what I NEEDED to get better. I never joined the Marine Corps to hurt civilians, I never became a firefighter to hurt civilians, that moment was a wake up call for me. Now I know this is a different circumstance than you are facing, but you have to ask yourself, do you really want to give up on your family? do you really want to continue to blow up and put your hands on your son? You may want to consider inpatient treatment or returning to inpatient if you've already been down that road. It has helped me so much.

 

[Friday]

So you know someone lying to you sends you 0-90. Tricks with this one? 1) Don't put people in a position to be able to lie to you, 2) Never tempt them to, & 3) If you catch someone lying? Don't do what you want to do. Even if it makes total sense / is completely fair / is the exact right reaction. Right reactions and wrong reactions both flow. Because they're reactions, not shit you're doing on purpose. Reacting? With PTSD? Snort. Sometimes it will be right. Other times? You're gonna be pulling from the wrong f*cking box; reacting like its situation A instead of situation B. Trick 4) The less you want to take a moment to think shit through & respond, rather than react? Guaranteed the more you need to. Life or death? No? Then there is time. Take that time.

Ex) You suspect he hasn't done his work? Don't ask him if he's done it. That both lets him lie, and tempts him to, to avoid your getting mad at him or an attaboy if the lie works. ((And if you know he's lying? Why on earth tempt anyone you care about to f*ck up?)) So how do you motivate someone? <chuckling> That's the important part. Stopping. Thinking it through. Okay, how else can I do this? There are a whole lot of ways to motivate. What actually works? That's gonna be highly individual. But you have a leg up in knowing what doesn't work. Shouting & smacking around is getting less of what you want, and more of what you don't. So shitcan that approach, period. Start working on new ones.

 

[Nevermore]

Hello bacon
I don't know why I'm responding here as I know very little about combat ptsd, but I read this and one thing really stood out at me - that your sons interest in scouts has something to do with trying to try close to you. Maybd he sees scouts as a little bit like the army.
I might be wrong but it really stood out at me! And yes, as mentioned above, his silence is fear.
His interest in scouts may be more to do with getting close to you - and his failure to win your approval may be hurting him more than you know.
We can't be perfect any of us, and especially not after the kind of trauma you've endured.
Get as much help as you can to heal as much as you can. Your family needs you and you need them.
i wish you peace and healing!

 

[Friday]

Also... This.

The Ptsd Cup Explanation

 

[Queen Boudica]

No sorry that poor boy is being abused. No excuse. Get help, get therapyi, move out until you can control yourself, Hitting on the head. No. Even with PTSD cup explanation, you justify your abuse that he lies and does not read the manual properly. That poor boy.

 

[joeylittle]

Therapy in the past has done nothing to help, and neither have the medications.

Just because it didn't work in the past doesn't mean it won't work now. I know that's an easy thing to say - but the truth is, you've got to keep trying if you want to stay in that home and be a husband and parent.

You can't risk any more explosions.

Have you ever done inpatient? Or gone and had a very full, intensive workup by a psych team that specializes in PTSD?

PM me if you want help finding resources. And until you have some real tools for anger management, my personal advice would be to not think of yourself as a parent. Think of yourself as a devoted fan of Team Your Kid. Be a support system for him. Don't get involved with anything resembling discipline. Tell him you love him. Tell him you are sorry. Decide that he can do no wrong, until you have gotten yourself in order and then gone through some parenting classes and family therapy.

 

[Bacon Overdose]

Thanks for the responses. The cup explanation makes a lot of sense to me...at least helps me understand what is happening and why (although my reactions are without a doubt unjustifiable). Just spoke with my wife for a while about this evening and what is happening, in general. She is going to try to intervene at the first sign of things going south as opposed to waiting to see where a conversation goes and then stepping in. I don't put my hands on her so she is not worried about that happening. In the past she has said she has had a problem with me trying to justify what I'm saying or doing in the moment. I asked her to not argue with me right then about it. Rather just to have her tell me to go take a drive, a walk...whatever. Just to make sure I leave the situation and go cool off until I can think rationally again. I like the idea of not setting my son up to tell a lie, will definitely take some practice. I hate how our relationship is now and really hope he doesn't blame himself. He deserves the old me, not the current me. I'm scared that I'm messing him up and that if it doesn't stop now that there will be irreparable damage not just with our relationship, but how he views relationships in general. Hoping it isn't too late and that I can get well for him and the rest of my family.

 

[Bacon Overdose]

I am definitely going to be going back into therapy. I guess saying therapy and meds didn't help isn't completely accurate. I made some progress my last two years in the army. Once retired I transferred to the VA system. From May to December 2014 I aggressively sought treatment thru the VA and the group they wanted to put me in kept getting pushed back. Finally in December 2014 the therapist I was assigned to said the group was being pushed to February. That's when I said the hell with it. All the progress I made in therapy with the army was gone.

Also, during that same timeframe, I was assigned a psychiatrist. I was prescribed the same meds the army had me on by him. Not one time at four different appointments did I ever meet with him. It was a different psychiatrist each time...even though my condition was changing and meds weren't working anymore. Now my PCM (love that guy...although now they are giving me someone else even though I don't want to see someone different) prescribes me psych meds.

I am going to give the local vet center a call tomorrow and get an appointment with them. The mental Heath side of the VA here is horrible (heard multiple people tell me very similar stories as mine). With any luck, the vet center can get me in soon.

 

[Sighs]

As the daughter of a combat vet I want to reassure you that nothing is irreparable. My old man self medicated with alcohol for many years and I was terrified of him as a child. We have a pretty good relationship these days. Good on you for taking steps to improve your family relationships.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @Bacon Overdose , good advice has come in. Just to say while you're working on this can you keep in the forefront of your mind:

Great kid...extremely smart and full of potential.

and "I have raging outbursts & can't control them (yet)".

I totall agree, you're not a monster & nothing is irreparable. But yes, it causes terrible damage, to your son & yourself. And one wrong hit to the head could kill or blind him.He possibly lies to avoid abuse/ the anger. I have/ would.

I also tend to clam up when he is raging at me. I'm just too scared to answer him. I know any answer is just going to make things worse. But then again so does no answer.

I know your wife is not a target but she may become one if your son is no longer (anger is irrational). Could you just have her use a word agreed upon between you in advance?

Best wishes & welcome to you, like your user name. :)