D
Deleted member 33023
Hi I am new to this site. I am 48 years old woman and have been diagnosed with PTSD about three years ago. I never have spoken to anyone about this except my wonderful boyfriend and really awesome daughter (18). I am not close to my son who is 20.
I was physically and mentally abused by both my parents from the time I was very young. I have memories of this from the time I was two years old and being punched and locked in a freezer for punishment among many other ways to torture me. I was always told I should have been killed, be killed or should kill myself. My mother would always say she would kill me and then herself whenever I did something to displease her. My father would beat me with fists, golf clubs, knives anything handy when he was in a rage. His personality would flip...one moment smiling and extremely funny and the next second he would rage and punch me around. I never knew why most times. I also have a younger sister who I don't speak with. I always took her beatings. When she did something wrong it was my fault and I was beat. When I was in fifth grade an uncle molested me. I wasn't sure he did at the time because I was so confused. It is still confusing but the feeling is still there. I was again molested when I was in junior high school by a cousin. Later my mother asked if I was pregnant and stated I may be a slut. I tried to kill myself at that time. I failed and lived. My mother laughed at me and said I couldn't even do that right at the time.
When I was in third grade my father anciently ran my sister over with his car. My sister two years old at the time. My father screamed at me in front of a crowd of neighbors as the ambulance drove my sister away that if she died it was my fault because he was giving me a ride to school. If my sister died the best alternative would be to kill myself because of the shame. This behavior continued. I never really go medical attention my whole life. I remember starving from hunger. One summer my sister and I ate hotdogs from a huge bag (have no clue where they got this large bag) without buns for three months from the same bag. Yup it was moldy and old but it was the only food for about four months. We starved. While we were starving and I was being beat my father managed to go golfing every weekend. We didn't celebrate holidays like Christmas nor Birthdays for me. I never minded when I was young. I just wanted my parents to love me and I did everything to make them happy. I just always wanted to please and so that is what I have been doing my whole life.
I grew up got a great job, had two kids, met a wonderful man. Everything was going pretty well. I was handling my life like so many others. Get up, go to work, come home make dinner, go to bed and repeat. It was nice and comfortable.
Three years ago I was working in an office with a toxic environment. I thought I had Parkinson's Disease because my hands started to numb and then shake. This went on for almost a year before I was see by a doctor. They did extensive testing ad found I didn't have Parkinsons or Carpel Tunnell but was referred to a psychiatrist. This psychiatrist diagnosed me PTSD. This doctor didn't treat PTSD but depression. Because of the way my insurance worked at the time I was stuck with this doctor and was overprescribed so many medications. At one point I believe I was taking 18 pills a day!!!! WTH? I became a ZOMBIE. During the rare occurrences when the meds would kind of wear off I would be in a uncontrollable rage. I decided about a year and a half ago t stop all drugs. I did and I was okay. I managed the last year and a half through self medication of Marijuana. I would ingest via brownies and it would calm me down.
Two weeks ago the brownie didn't help. In fact I almost may have started feeling worse. It felt like when I was on the meds and they were no longer working because my body had built a tolerance for it? I'm not sure but it did work wonders for a while. But now I am in a horrible situation. I am financially in disarray, I'm having a hard time going out and interviewing for jobs because I'm so shaky. I fear my daughter is so stressed watching me she is going to go into her own depression (because of me again--I feel terrible). My boyfriend who has been so wonderful. He has been financially supporting me but I can't do this forever. I have to stop the shaking and my heart beating out of my chest like I'm having a heart attack.
I am now on Effexorex (37.5 daily) and Gabapentin (100 mugs 3x a day and 2x at night). Sorry for any misspellings taking these meds make my vision blurry and doesn't stop the shaking nor the irregular heart beat. SIGH
I feel as if I can't breath and something sitting on my chest. I am doing mindful and in the moment exercises but my body will not stop freaking out. This is the hardest I don't know how everyone has the patience to go through life like this. I certainly can't and will not. This is a terrible feeling and would not wish it on ANYONE. It is awful.
Thanks for reading my story. I would love to speak someone who can understand what I am going through. Right now my family are supportive but they certainly do not understand. I keep being told it is a mind over matter but I can't seem to control it.
I was physically and mentally abused by both my parents from the time I was very young. I have memories of this from the time I was two years old and being punched and locked in a freezer for punishment among many other ways to torture me. I was always told I should have been killed, be killed or should kill myself. My mother would always say she would kill me and then herself whenever I did something to displease her. My father would beat me with fists, golf clubs, knives anything handy when he was in a rage. His personality would flip...one moment smiling and extremely funny and the next second he would rage and punch me around. I never knew why most times. I also have a younger sister who I don't speak with. I always took her beatings. When she did something wrong it was my fault and I was beat. When I was in fifth grade an uncle molested me. I wasn't sure he did at the time because I was so confused. It is still confusing but the feeling is still there. I was again molested when I was in junior high school by a cousin. Later my mother asked if I was pregnant and stated I may be a slut. I tried to kill myself at that time. I failed and lived. My mother laughed at me and said I couldn't even do that right at the time.
When I was in third grade my father anciently ran my sister over with his car. My sister two years old at the time. My father screamed at me in front of a crowd of neighbors as the ambulance drove my sister away that if she died it was my fault because he was giving me a ride to school. If my sister died the best alternative would be to kill myself because of the shame. This behavior continued. I never really go medical attention my whole life. I remember starving from hunger. One summer my sister and I ate hotdogs from a huge bag (have no clue where they got this large bag) without buns for three months from the same bag. Yup it was moldy and old but it was the only food for about four months. We starved. While we were starving and I was being beat my father managed to go golfing every weekend. We didn't celebrate holidays like Christmas nor Birthdays for me. I never minded when I was young. I just wanted my parents to love me and I did everything to make them happy. I just always wanted to please and so that is what I have been doing my whole life.
I grew up got a great job, had two kids, met a wonderful man. Everything was going pretty well. I was handling my life like so many others. Get up, go to work, come home make dinner, go to bed and repeat. It was nice and comfortable.
Three years ago I was working in an office with a toxic environment. I thought I had Parkinson's Disease because my hands started to numb and then shake. This went on for almost a year before I was see by a doctor. They did extensive testing ad found I didn't have Parkinsons or Carpel Tunnell but was referred to a psychiatrist. This psychiatrist diagnosed me PTSD. This doctor didn't treat PTSD but depression. Because of the way my insurance worked at the time I was stuck with this doctor and was overprescribed so many medications. At one point I believe I was taking 18 pills a day!!!! WTH? I became a ZOMBIE. During the rare occurrences when the meds would kind of wear off I would be in a uncontrollable rage. I decided about a year and a half ago t stop all drugs. I did and I was okay. I managed the last year and a half through self medication of Marijuana. I would ingest via brownies and it would calm me down.
Two weeks ago the brownie didn't help. In fact I almost may have started feeling worse. It felt like when I was on the meds and they were no longer working because my body had built a tolerance for it? I'm not sure but it did work wonders for a while. But now I am in a horrible situation. I am financially in disarray, I'm having a hard time going out and interviewing for jobs because I'm so shaky. I fear my daughter is so stressed watching me she is going to go into her own depression (because of me again--I feel terrible). My boyfriend who has been so wonderful. He has been financially supporting me but I can't do this forever. I have to stop the shaking and my heart beating out of my chest like I'm having a heart attack.
I am now on Effexorex (37.5 daily) and Gabapentin (100 mugs 3x a day and 2x at night). Sorry for any misspellings taking these meds make my vision blurry and doesn't stop the shaking nor the irregular heart beat. SIGH
I feel as if I can't breath and something sitting on my chest. I am doing mindful and in the moment exercises but my body will not stop freaking out. This is the hardest I don't know how everyone has the patience to go through life like this. I certainly can't and will not. This is a terrible feeling and would not wish it on ANYONE. It is awful.
Thanks for reading my story. I would love to speak someone who can understand what I am going through. Right now my family are supportive but they certainly do not understand. I keep being told it is a mind over matter but I can't seem to control it.
