The Problem In A Nutshell

[Fadeaway]

The problem in a nutshell: There is a disconnect between what I know logically, what I know to be true, and what I feel and how my body responds.

The fist brain and second brain:
I have often said it feels like I have two brains. They don't get along. One of my brains is logical, it is in the present. It can tell the difference between real danger and imagined danger. The other brain is emotional, stuck in the past, it doesn't understand the difference between real danger and imagined danger. This second brain doesn't understand that I am not still experiencing my traumas. This second brain is where most of my problems lie. It tends to try and override my first brain against my will every when I am struggling to keep the first brain in control.

This is why I fear that CBT does not work for me. It makes sense to my first brain. I can learn and understand, I can be rational and adjust the way I think in accordence to new information that I learn. My second brain however can not absorb this information, it resists all attempts to change thinking patterns.

No matter how many times I repeat certian mantras or how strongly I belive something to be true, my second brain just will not listen. For years I have tried to get facts through to my second brain and I can't figure out how.

The bridge between the two has been broken for as long as I can remember and I don't know how to repair it.

So here I sit, trying to accomplish a simple house keeping task that must be done. My first brain knows that i haven't seen my ex in years. That he is no where in sight and would have no clue about what I am attempting to do. This brain knows that despite what my ex said, there is no right or wrong way to do it as long as it gets done.

My second brain however is stuck in the fact that it feels like my ex is still standing over me, waiting for me to mess up so he can hust me. Yelling at me how I am not doing it like his mom, like his sisters. How i am not a real woman because I can't do even simple chores properly.

Despite years of learning, understanding and rationalizing I still sit here and shake, filled with dread. Trying to work up the courage and the energy to do it the "right way." Trying to brace myself for the consquences of doing it wrong, because his sisters would never get it wrong.

I know that if I can just put my second brain on mute long enough to get it done, my husband will come home and tell me that I did a good job because he knows I become unreasonably self concious about it. I know that no one is looking despite the curtians closed tight. They won't know how I accomplished the task.

I hate it. I want my second brain to wither up and die.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I hate it. I want my second brain to wither up and die.

SO DO I!!!!!

I dont discribe it as 2 brains, i describe it as 2 "me"s, the "programmed" me and then the me that feels trapped inside fighting to get out and thats were the rational side is.

The "programmed" me fights every single attempt to get better and its the side that would type here cuz its the side the comes out first but the me inside tumbles everything around like a puzzle piece trying to figure it out.

I get your issue isnt a cult programming you but the only way ive been able to closed the gap some is counter it, in everything i do. It says go right and i go left and i take "good" and "bad" out of it. Its neither good or bad to go left, im going left because i want to go left.

So to put this in context for you, lets say your ex said to vacumm in a perfect triangle, start to scatter it or go the other direction and tell yourself over and over (and over times a thousand) that you are doing this because you want to.

I think he may have done a bit of 'programming' and the only way ive figured out and per my therapist to stop the autopiolt is to counter it.

Also hearing/reading more over and over counter statements help. What i was gonna do and havent yet, my way i think to figure out how to change negitive core beliefs cuz i still cant get to anything small enough is to type them all out, list them all, then next to it start listing, from the rational side info that counters it...why its not rational..and then read the countered ones a million times. Then maybe i can pick up one to change or find something small enough.

I started it but got to the first one, started to think too much and i ended up dostorying my house out of frustration cuz it keeps repeating itself and its persiatant and it frustrates me that i cant seem to counter even one when i know fully that its not rational.

I think i need to do it without thinking so much.

Baby steps, try DBT which is part of CBT then go back to CBT or try something else then go back to the thinking patterns. When i feel stuck it seems to help to set it down, work on something else, come back to it.

Not sure if any of this helps but know i totally get it and struggle with the exact same thing! :hug:

 

[ladee]

@Fadeaway, what a perfect way to describe me.... my 'truth brain' and my 'ninja brain'.... in a constant battle over such stupid stuff.... driving home from work, tired, just want to go home... that's ninja brain.... truth brains says stop and do your errands before getting home so you can just relax.... NB... no , lets just go one home, we can do it later, TB, uh no , I'll do it now, so I can relax when I get home. NB... blah blah blah, TB.... blah blah blah, until I am ready to scream.... I wish NB would just shut the f*ck up.... it is exhausting... and I already know I am going to do what the TB wants.... but NB will simply start more chaos once I get home.... what a great thread!!! Thanks for this.. at least I am not alone... I have you, your two brains, me and my two.... I am blessed !!! :poop:

 

[Chava]

Well said! That really is the problem of trauma, in a nutshell. You have something like your amygdala and all its procedural scripts for detecting threats, even where there aren't any, and then your more present and rational prefrontal cortex. They really have to learn how to have a sort of conversation. CBT alone is often too "top-down", though the behavioral aspects guided by a trauma therapist can begin to bridge that gap between the parts of mind that are functioning in different states, so to speak. Body psychotherapies, such as Somatic Experiencing, are "bottom-up" approaches...work directly with that amygdala stuff and then you process it cognitively...later, not first.

There isn't a perfect solution yet and it seems like PTSD is a bit like chronic pain...where the nervous system is damaged in some form. But the nervous system also has a good deal of plasticity. We have to use that higher or more present mind to respond differently to old patterns. What do you do when you feel like someone is behind you, etc? How do you use your present awareness and begin to deliberately try new responses? That's how stuff gets rewired deep in that little hindbrain. You don't want it to wither up and die because it still protects you from serious harm. It is just over-reading, like an injured nerve, and you have to wire different, more helpful connections. Sometimes that means just being aware in the present but also allowing a feeling of safety for yourself. Not feeling swallowed up by the fear-brain. Just realizing the fear is not totally accurate, but you can also gauge if some measure of safety or containment will help soothe a bit, which helps foster a more balanced regulation over time. Like sometimes I need to curl up in a ball or hide out...knowing well that my next move will be to get up and go for a walk or go to an AA meeting. I allow myself to move between these protective and vulnerable states, communicating also between these two parts of my mind (really two very different kinds of awareness, no doubt).

Anyway, you pretty much nailed it on the "two brains" (generally amygdala and prefrontal cortex) and the horrible feeling of them being disconnected. My worst presentations of this are less severe than they used to be, but I still feel immobilized and trapped when I "know" I am not (still a really dreadful feeling, like I'm going to die), and I sometimes get a really garbled and overwhelming sense of time. I use the higher brain to soothe that fear brain or move it back into "okay". Lots of noticing, building somatic awareness, and little behavioral changes. Still working on this but have found ways to move out of some of my worst body memories, so I really don't have them any more...like that broken link is gone or something was repaired. So I think it's possible...but mixing top-down with bottom-up trauma approaches, in whatever forms make sense or feel right to you. But that's really the challenge of trauma therapy, it has to encompass both top-down and bottom-up approaches because of this exact issue. Many forms of trauma therapy still don't do this and there really isn't like one script for how to do it. If only wasn't so complicated on the whole brain/body!

 

[anthony]

There is a disconnect between what I know logically, what I know to be true, and what I feel and how my body responds.

I think you just described every PTSD sufferer. Well said.

 

[ladee]

Thanks for the explanation @Chava, and the hope of the bridge being rebuilt.... :hug:

 

[Sideways]

The intellectual part of my brain has my recovery totally taken care of. Read all the books, done all the therapy, totally gets it. Trauma, consequences & the golden route to recovery. It offers some very insightful advice sometimes. Thanks Intellectual Brain:)

And then there's me & the brain I operate from, not coping, not believing any of it, & reaching for the valium!

:)

 

[Seasounds]

Your description of one of the PTSD dynamics is excellent!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Did i miss that this was a discription of PTSD? I didnt even know others felt like there were 2 of them, or 2 brains, or whatever. Yep, thought that was just me...

 

[Fadeaway]

@Chava That was excellent information. I have looked at somatic experiance in the past. I love my therapist, and I wouldn't want to give her up, but at the same time, I would love to find someone who worked with that.

@Saetva I worte this out as a theraputic exersize to help me acomplish the task I needed to get done. Of course, hearing how other people work through this is gladly recived because the goal is to learn how to do that.

 

[Chava]

I love my therapist, and I wouldn't want to give her up

Having a good connection with a therapist is really important. Have you asked her about how you can work with these conflicting brains/realities? It doesn't have to be Somatic Experiencing, but what are her methods or suggestions for working with that trauma brain? You don't really have to answer if you don't want because I understand you were probably just venting about this conflict, which I totally get. Wish there was a neat clear-cut path. I do think even creating new body experiences of safety and calm help, whether through some kind of meditation, music thing, yoga...doesn't totally save us from the trauma brain stuff. But if I'm not consciously adding the safety, grounding, and also just good feelings, I tend to notice my world and sensations diminishing because I am so avoidance of all possible triggers, including just being in my own body.

 

[Sideways]

@Chava - I think I'm picking up what you're putting down.

I often find myself feeling like I'm being choked. It's frightening- I feel my SUDS go up because the fear response is real.

So I remove anything sitting on my neck - necklaces, sweater that's sitting too high, hair that's curled around my neck. And then I tell myself over and over, "You know that you're not really being choked right now".

It's enough to lower the fear response to get me functioning again. So far, it's not enough to get rid of the choking sensation itself, but I figure if I work at it long enough, brain plasticity will allow my head to relearn that if there's no one with their hands around my kneck, then I'm not being choked, and the sensation itself will one day stop cropping up altogether...

At least, that's the plan!