Relationship Breaking Up.. Again..

[katiek]

This is my first post here. I've been reading the posts and skulking in the shadows for a few months trying to get a grasp on what my boyfriend of 8 months has been dealing with and I don't know if I can continue our relationship. I don't want to reiterate the same old story, one that at first was only MY history, I have found is quite common. Intense interest in a new relationship, almost like a bear after hibernation, then having been over stimulated by this companionship, the quick retreat to isolation. We have done this dance a few times each time coming through a break up with a better connection and resolving to be better next time.

This last weekend resulted in yet another retreat. One in hindsight I should have foreseen. My boyfriend suffers from Complex Combat related PTSD. He completely isolates in my opinion daily. He leaves only to work and that was a huge step for him. He decided that for Valentine's Day we would get away for the weekend and made reservations. I already knew he was going to be stressed by simply leaving home much less the city.

Well the weekend didn't go as planned and the hotel we had reservations at was not amenable to his PTSD.

When we came back we talked a little bit Sunday and then I didn't hear from him at all. This is out of ordinary for our relationship. I began to feel insecure and anxious. When we did finally talk I was upset and hurt.

Tonight he says he does not want to continue our relationship. Again.. After the last time we agreed we would work through this without breaking up but he isn't hearing that. I respect how he feels completely. He at this moment does not want to be in our relationship. I tried to remind him of our commitment, of the spectrum in thought, so he could be reminded of how drastic this decision is. I ended up listening to myself sound needy desperate when I simply want him to see the other side of that spectrum because I know the guilt he will feel. He ultimately ended it.

I can't help but think maybe it's time to let go. That maybe I should go or my mental health will be negatively affected by this? But I'm reminded of him telling me how he's pushed everyone away and I try and talk myself into trying one last time.

How do you know when to just give up?

 

[Casey_03]

When you start to lose yourself. When your health is at risk. That's when you let go. Because, ultimately, if you hang on for his sake despite the toll this is taking on you emotionally, the relationship is doomed anyway. If it's not causing you great emotional distress, then by all means, stick around. Some people are more resilient with this stuff than others. But if his behavior is really hurting you, I think you need to cut ties.

 

[KT2]

This is my first post here. I've been reading the posts and skulking in the shadows for a few months tryi...

Trying one last time might be your pride? I think it's ok to give a lot of space, focus your time and energy on yourself and other things, and be comfortable with doing that. If he contacts you to get back together, maybe take things really slowly. Maybe don't pick up where you left off. It sounds like you're a smart girl who thinks things through and has boundaries, stick to them to give him consistency. Maybe he needs to provide the effort, at least until he proves to you that he is capable of having the kind of relationship you want. If he can do that, then you'll be in a better position to decide for yourself if this relationship can get off the Merry-go-round and move forward

 

[glass half full]

Trying one last time might be your pride? I think it's ok to give a lot of space, focus your time and energy...

May I suggest rethinking the whole idea of a relationship being what you want it to be as the criteria for staying or not.

Here's my reason for saying this- no relationship, even one without a PTSD sufferer ever winds up being what we as,an individual want it to be. It can't be because a relationship is an organic entity. Its you, its your partner and then its "us". As such it will take on its own individuality and it needs to be nurtured as a separate entity.

Now having said that, I would not suggest abandoning your needs or standards for a relationship. You should decide what you will and wont accept in a relationship as well as deciding what you are willing to give or not give up to preserve the relationship. And the answers to those questions will not be set in stone one time and for always. People change and hopefully grow. Sometimes they don't grow, they regress. So, your answers to those questions above will change accordingly, although your personal thresholds for what you will or wont accept probably won't change that much because those answers should reflect your personal boundaries.

I think that being too focused on what we want our relationships to be and leaving them because they don't look like what we wanted can be a source for a lot of unhappiness and angst. This was a lesson it took me many years to be able to hear and understand. Just to be clear- I do not advocate being a doormat in any way- I dont take crap from my partners, but my definition of what is or isn't crap - outside or my personal boundaries- is allowed and even encouraged to change. Until I met my man and fell big time for him, I would never have imagined I would be dealing with, much less trying to find ways to make peace with what this relationship has brought due to his PTSD.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

May I suggest rethinking the whole idea of a relationship being what you want it to be as the criteria for staying or not.

Here's my reason for saying this- no relationship, even one without a PTSD sufferer ever winds up being what we as,an individual want it to be. It can't be because a relationship is an organic entity. Its you, its your partner and then its "us". As such it will take on its own individuality and it needs to be nurtured as a separate entity.

Thank you for saying this. Not enough of this being said or done these days.