Relationship She/he Suddenly Left After Month/couple Years/ Lot Of Years Scenario...input Wanted

[Olivia2016]

I'm sorry you feel like you do but there are PTSD sufferers that do come back, and yes, you still ar...

Could you share some positive experiences when people did get back together? I am so tired of negative comments and advice to move on, it would really help to hear something more positive and supportive. If you could share privately, that would be great too, if you don't want to share it here.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

I completely agree. Sometimes it may be quite easy to distinguish between just a breakup and the PTSD...

That is how my situation happened. She didn't have it in the beginning, then had it. Night and day difference, then the meds and therapy, and she was back to day again with a twinge of night mixed in once in a while. Then off she came with the meds and boom complete night all over again. Like a demon possession. Definite difference from normal relationship endings.

 

[Olivia2016]

That is how my situation happened. She didn't have it in the beginning, then had it. Night and day d...

This seems to be another common problem: why don't they want to take medications? My husband refused. Every other healthy person around me takes something for anxiety or depression (so do I!), but those, who need it the most just refuse?
And yes, when you are mature enough and have been in relationships before, you do know the difference!

 

[glass half full]

For what its worth, here's the advice I was given by a VA therapist- my sufferer is a vet, but I think the advice may be valuable for others. The T advised that the fact pattern that I tried to be scrupulously honest in describing is a classic PTSD pattern of withdrawing and returning. Due to an existing pattern, his assessment was that it is very likely that my vet will return when he's ready. At the same time, the T advised me to consider what parameters i was willing to tolerate. In other words- decide on a reasonable- to me- length of time to wait and if he continues in isolation when that time has elapsed, i should move on.

I am aware of several stressors my sufferer is dealing with and his most recent isolation began with no warning signs for me. He works overseas, so there's much about his daily situation that i don't know about. Among other things his employment contract will end in about 7 weeks. This in itself is a significant stressor. I've made no secret of the fact that i want him to come home. He said he wants to, but is uneasy about it. I know very well that if he chooses to come home, he must do it for himself, not because it's what i want. I realize that this alone could be enough for him to need to isolate, although i have no idea if this is what caused it.

Bottom line- in my situation, there is a preexisting pattern of several shorter periods of withdrawal with him returning. He tried to end our relationship once, but didn't end communication with me. We were heading back to a greater level of intimacy at the time he most recently isolated, along with the pending end of his employment contract. I have heard from him once- he let me know he's ok and thanked me. That's it.

I have decided to heed the therapist's advice and give thought to a reasonable period of time for my sufferer to resume some sort of contact, although I am prepared to reconsider my time frame, if it seems like the right thing for me to do when the time comes. My sufferer was in therapy in the past, although his current living situation made that difficult to continue, he's also compliant with his meds. These factors will certainly make a difference.

Clearly there's no one size fits all answer. However, I do think that the advice to decide how long a supporter is willing to wait and then move on, is a sound recommendation.

 

[Friday]

This seems to be another common problem: why don't they want to take medications? My husband refused. Every other healthy person around me takes something for anxiety or depression (so do I!), but those, who need it the most just refuse?

There are NO long term meds for PTSD.

There are meds for anxiety.
There are meds for depression.
There are no meds for PTSD.

Medication for PTSD is, at best, a stop gap. Something to deal with the absolute worst or the worst, in not a great way, for a very limited time... To stabilize a person enough to get into therapy. Ideally, if possible; Go through therapy "once" on meds; learn stabilization & grounding & tools to deal with symptoms whilst having a safety net for the worst of times. Then peel them off, and do therapy again, off med.

While PTSD may have anxiety or depression symptoms? (Or both, or neither). PTSD isn't an anxiety disorder, nor is it depression.

Meds for other disorders may help as an emergency tool (although in many cases, they make things catastrophically worse), but they're not a long term solution. Not for PTSD. And, again, they may not work at all even in the short term.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

The information is definitely pointed at people still in the flux situation, and for those that can...

Absolutely. Any time, Mr S.

 

[anthony]

As an example, my husband indicated at the therapist that he did not want to get a divorce in hope that he could come back if he feels better and I am still available.

There is a difference in that though, compared to a relationship that has completely broken down. Living apart in a transitional period, both accepting to try and make the relationship work, is different than hanging onto something that is completely final due to one side making it such.

The T advised that the fact pattern that I tried to be scrupulously honest in describing is a classic PTSD pattern of withdrawing and returning. Due to an existing pattern, his assessment was that it is very likely that my vet will return when he's ready. At the same time, the T advised me to consider what parameters i was willing to tolerate. In other words- decide on a reasonable- to me- length of time to wait and if he continues in isolation when that time has elapsed, i should move on.

Exactly. Well said.

There are no meds for PTSD.

I know what you're saying, but technically there are two approved medications for PTSD specifically, the disorder.

 

[anthony]

To be perfectly honest, I think you should focus on writing towards how to recover the relationship when PTSD is destroying it, than what to do after the fact one party has left. Both sufferers and supporters leave PTSD relationships because of PTSD. It isn't one sided.

Avoiding breakdown is far more informative, beneficial and needed, than what to do after the fact. If a PTSD sufferer is known to isolate away from the relationship, then that is a pattern, but if they leave the relationship, its more often than not too late. Using exceptions does not change the rule. I think you're better at trying to target the rule and turn it into the exception, in this instance.

Once a relationship is done, its done. I understand it hurts, but it does not change the fact of the relationship being final. Supporters need to know what to do in the relationship, when things are nearly at the precipice already. Doing this for 10 years, I can tell you that it is the rule that supporters often do not seek help until this time. It is the exception that are proactive.

Supporters need to change this entire situation. Awareness is one way... but that is primarily focused on the sufferer, not the supporter. I think supporters have the power to make change here, but it must be proactive, not reactive. The majority of supporters are already reactive in situation here... and that is not going to solve the change needed for supporters.

 

[glass half full]

To be perfectly honest, I think you should focus on writing towards how to recover the relationship when PTS...

I would like to second that suggestion! I believe that I literally lucked out and didn't make my situation worse only because the first couple of times my guy isolated I assumed he was simply working off the grid and unable to contact me. The inconsistency of the length of time in which he isolated as opposed to the consistency of time he was incommunicado during his prior off the grid work, was what first clued me in that there might be something more going on. Once I had more information, I saw a lot of things differently. I want to continue to not step in the shit.

 

[Olivia2016]

To be perfectly honest, I think you should focus on writing towards how to recover the relationship when PTS...

I think most writers here are mature adults, who understand when relationship is over and when it still continues even though one person is not physically present in it. In addition to this, people who did lose their relationship completely and irreversibly are also PTSD victims, just like sufferers themselves, and they need and are seeking help too. I don't see why they should not get it here in this website that has so many knowledgeable people who can share their experiences. Third, knowledge about broken relationships may help those, who are struggling to keep a relationship together, to avoid mistakes. For anyone, it is good to discuss and know what, why, and how this happens.

 

[tryingtobalance]

I think this post is a great idea. I believe each case is very different, so generalizations with sug...

Thank you Olivia! I couldn't agree more!

 

[Nevada00]

In my experience, with my husband's periods of withdrawals, (3) there were no obvious signs or changes in his behavior. Literally sleeping together and interacting as usual and the next day BAM he's got that blank, wide stare, somewhat teary-eyed look with the typical broken record of "we'll both be happier apart and I need to work on myself before I go crazy here". The week before we had met a travel agent on base for a trip to Disney this fall. He was working on several projects around the house-- the house that in his perception was made to sound like the house from nightmare on elm street. So as a caregiver you already feel like a failure because it's happened once, twice and now three times with no warning. The civilian world sees that as an automatic "there's a girl in the picture". Honestly I wish it were that simple. This gets more emotionally abusive and exhausting each time it happens-- Especially where children are concerned. I have to decide what their limits should be in order to wait or move on. We all deserve a life without the sandbag held over our heads wondering when it's going to drop again. Maybe what he said was right and we should move on. How many times should he say he doesn't love me before i will listen? who knows--- until then I'll just hurry up and wait as always ;)