Relationship She/he Suddenly Left After Month/couple Years/ Lot Of Years Scenario...input Wanted

[Deleted member 17302]

I came to this website as a supporter because my loved one has PTSD and bailed on the relationship due to what has come to be seen as very common traits/symptoms of this type of scenario. Numbness to Love/Trust, feelings of self-shame, etc.

Almost every day I see another thread by newcomers that echo the same kinds of things. We all then bandwagon on those threads and shotgun blast random insights and advices we have on the subject. It took a lot of reading to get as much information as I could on the scenario before it all just seemed to be repeated information.

Since the scenario and information only has so many variations and so many supporters are feeling very hurt and in pain and losing their minds over the scenarios, it seems like there should be some kind of master document on the scenario so that people can get the most information, fast, and timely for when/if they run into this scenario of their PTSD partner bailing on them suddenly. In time I've tended to just term it an "unstructured isolation event", because isolation is pretty much what is happening and it is unstructured and often not understood by one or both parties in the PTSD relationship. For a supporter, this unstructured and unforseen scenario is quite troublesome and painful.

Point of This Post

This post is dedicated to gathering up scenario examples, advice pieces, and any information that can be used to build a solid reference piece of information on this scenario. I imagine there is already something about this somewhere and if so, that would be good to know where it is and if it doesn't have all the info we need, then we can build a new one/ edit the old one. I've built many pieces of literature around many types of information that were meant for reference and it seems to go well and it would have been nice to get pointed to when I landed on this website with my situation that echos so many others on this website in the supporter relationship forum section.

Please link, type out, or whatever your scenario including pieces of information such as if you are the supporter or sufferer in the situation while referencing things like husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, boyfriend/boyfriend, girlfriend/girlfriend, and other combinations. Maybe some vague reference to ages if you feel comfortable doing so (and if it is allowed which I don't see a reason against if people want to offer it up of their own free will), length of relationship at the time of the bail out event, how long the partner was bailed out before communication was had from them, if the partner returned and how that all worked out, and anything else that summarizes the key pieces of information a person could use to approximate outcomes and understanding of this type of event. People look at stories and advice to gather approximations of information as an average so that they can guess what their situation is like comparatively to those other examples so they can make up their mind about what is going on and what to plan on.

If you have good advice for things like how much/little you should communicate to the bailed out partner, outcomes if you do too much or to little, what types of things to avoid saying and things that are good to say, and other types of advice for this type of thing, feel free to dispense that so that I can include that type of information.

I'm asking in a post because if I do it all on my own without any input, there is a very high chance that it would need severely edited and just confuse the finished post and another would have to be made anyway. So let's start this off with input so that the next post on this can be more or less complete. Pretty sure that there will be both positive and negative replies on this but many in the chat agree this would be a great thing to have available for people in this crazy frustrating scenario of having your PTSD partner bail out unexpectedly.

 

[anthony]

I would suggest those in such circumstance first read such books as:

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Dealing with things after the fact is too late. Those who are supporters here within PTSD relationships, they're the people doing the right thing. They're being proactive in trying to make positive change in their relationship to avoid relationship breakdown.

Once you're relationship has broken down, you're no longer a PTSD supporter in essence. You're just another casualty of relationship breakdown, the reason is linked to PTSD. Trying to understand things after the fact is a futile experiment, because you no longer have your partner to fill in the blanks.

You have to deal with the loss, accept it, grieve the relationship, and move on in life. Maybe even avoid someone with PTSD next time round, as you couldn't make it work with PTSD already, which may mean you're not suited to someone with PTSD.

 

[Olivia2016]

I came to this website as a supporter because my loved one has PTSD and bailed on the relationship d...

I think this post is a great idea. I believe each case is very different, so generalizations with suggestion to just move on because your relationship is broken are inappropriate. Many of us have our boyfriends/girlfriends, husbands/wives on the run but not completely out of the relationship. As an example, my husband indicated at the therapist that he did not want to get a divorce in hope that he could come back if he feels better and I am still available. Even though he moved out and does not want to communicate much, he is still wearing the wedding ring and never said that he does not love me or does not want to be with me, juts that he is numb and unable to feel anything right now and is unable to be in a relationship with anyone at this point in time. So, should I just give up, move on, and stop considering myself a supporter? I don't think so, and I resent such advice. I am here to learn more to benefit myself, my relationship, and my PTSD husband. I will post my story in a separate reply, just wanted to encourage you to wait if you feel that your relationship is not over. You will move on when you feel it is, and until then you ARE a supporter.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Thanks for starting this thread, Mr S. As you said, it seems like every day someone asks for relationship advice, which is really depressing. I've only been here a month, so I don't know much about outcomes, but it certainly does seem that PTSD is a relationship killer.

As far as my situation goes, I was doing ok with my husband. He was giving me the space that I needed, and asking very little of me. Unfortunately, he then broke my trust, which had the effect of ripping my foundation out from under me. What he didn't understand was the impact of his decision. I no longer see him as an ally, but as an adversary.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

Many of us have our boyfriends/girlfriends, husbands/wives on the run but not completely out of the relationship.

The information is definitely pointed at people still in the flux situation, and for those that can try to avoid it from happening before it happens as Anthony has alluded to. It also helps for people that are confused and not sure how to even perceive the scenario at all, or how to communicate in attempts to get things patched up or stabilized. I've talked to a few that have been able to get things stabilized in the flux period but only because people helped them understand how to deal with it and what things to avoid and what to include in terms of communications with the bailed out partner.

As far as my situation goes, I was doing ok with my husband. He was giving me the space that I needed, and asking very little of me. Unfortunately, he then broke my trust, which had the effect of ripping my foundation out from under me. What he didn't understand was the impact of his decision. I no longer see him as an ally, but as an adversary.

In cases like yours mal, information about isolation and such is very useful to understand so that folks in your and husbands position would understand the scenario so that things can be stabilized before, during, or after stages of bail out events are initiated so that things can just be isolation vs full scale fall out/bail outs. Very much appreciate you here Mal and all the insights you have been able to offer. Hopefully we can speak in private and figure out if some of your experience and insights would be ok to include in the post I'll be building.

 

[Olivia2016]

My story.
I have been married for 7 years, and we both are in our mid 50s, with grown children. Our marriage was very good, very loving, affectionate, and fun. He has always been a very considerate, attentive, happy and optimistic person full of energy, always smiling and laughing, and making big plans for the future. Until 2 years ago he was assaulted and almost killed when he least expected and believed that he was safe. He now says that he had symptoms right away, but he tried to suppress them. I noticed little changes: he became more serious at first, then I noticed that he interacted less with his son, then he started to get more distant and the sex started to feel somewhat wrong, like he was not into it completely, not emotionally connecting. He did not talk to me about his symptoms, and I had no idea for a long time. One day the distance became so obvious that I confronted him, and then he told me that he has symptoms; that he is numb and cannot feel connected to me, or his children, or anyone else; that he is unable to be in a normal relationship and would like to live alone. We made an appointment to a therapist, but even then I did not understand the severity of the symptoms. We have had a stressful time the next several months, and his symptoms became worse and worse, and his condition disintegrated very quickly: from just feeling distant to being unable to have sex, to being unable to touch or being touched by anyone, to being unable to sleep in the same room with me, to being unable to be in a room with another person, to being unable to stay in a house with other people. After discussing the condition at the therapist with me present at the session (the therapist seemed to be very supportive of him living alone for a while), he moved out. I was supportive of him moving out and being alone for a while, but what completely killed me was the fact that he was moving like he would never be doing back: taking ALL his staff with him, including junk from the garage and out-of-season clothes, and his parents' pictures, etc. That was so inconsistent with what he said at the therapist: that he wanted to be alone temporarily, to figure out what is his place in the world, that he did not want a divorce, etc. I think I contributed to the situation, because I was trying to understand what was happening and was asking too many questions that were too difficult for him to handle, to clarify for myself what was going on. When I asked why he is trying to make it so final, he was just saying that I need to move on, that I don't deserved this, that I should be dating healthy men, that life is short and I should not waste it waiting for him, that he may never get better, that he did not want his stuff on my way to prevent me from moving on, etc. That was a little more than a week ago.
At first, I was trying to communicate, and it was not good. He did not want to talk on the phone, absolutely did not want to meet, and did not reply to my text messages. When I calmed down a little bit and learned more about PTSD, I started communicating less, just one-two neutral text messages a day. Either he responded to my calm mood, or he really feels better living alone, but he started giving me calls here and there, all about business, nothing emotional or personal (tax return etc.), sending me messages, all business-like, again nothing personal or emotional. I have seen him a couple of times, he came to finish some things at home and to pick up more stuff one time and we did our tax return together today. He seems less anxious, calmer, can sit next to me, but still acts like he is gone forever.
At this point, I will just give him all the space in the world and wait to see what will happen. I sincerely hope that he feels better and does not feel inadequate anymore, and we can reunite and find the ways to deal with PTSD together while living together, but I really don;t know what the future holds and whether he will get better and will decide to come back. Just taking one day at the time for now, not making any plans for the future, it is hard for either of us to survive in the present.

 

[anonymous]

Here's a post for you from a sufferer. As I have the utmost respect for the supporter section and consider myself a guest within it, I've placed my two cents in the spoiler below.

Spoiler: Dear People Who Come to the MyPTSD Site After a Break-Up Asking Impossible Questions About "Will They Come Back?" and "How Do I Fix It?"

Hi. I have PTSD. I'm almost always in years-long monogamous relationships. I have left several men. Some were good, some were bad, some were spectacularly one of those things.

Did I leave some because of PTSD?

Yes.

Did I go back in those instances, or could they have 'fixed it' so that I would?

No.

Does diagnosing the cause of a break up fix things?

I've never heard of such a thing.

Does attributing one's freely made decisions to a mental illness change their decision?

No.

Does anyone know if or when your ex will come back?

No.

Are you a "supporter" when you are blocked out of someone's life indefinitely and they have told you in no uncertain terms that they don't want you in their lives?

No.

Does being dumped hurt?

Yes.

Do people want to know why their relationships have abruptly ended?

Yes.

Will pathologizing the break-up make it less painful?

Probably not.

As Anthony said, best to process, grieve, and move on.

To all those in active relationships trying to better support their loved one with PTSD, I'm sorry you get lumped in with the legions of confused exes, because I know you're just trying to cope with the day-to-day of actually managing PTSD symptoms, and the eternal "But when is s/he coming back?!" questions inevitably clutter your section on this forum.

To all the confused people trying to understand a break-up, I know it hurts. I'm sorry it hurts. We don't have the answers. Writing a dissertation on the possible reasons why someone left you won't make them come back.

If someone in such a situation really wanted to disseminate useful information, I could not think of anything more useful than writing and submitting an article here about how to grapple with, grieve, and move on from a relationship where they were abandoned by a partner who has PTSD to help others navigate that painful process of acceptance.

Best of luck to you all.

 

[Sweetpea76]

In time I've tended to just term it an "unstructured isolation event", because isolation is pretty much what is happening and it is unstructured and often not understood by one or both parties in the PTSD relationship.

This is the main point of a lot of the advice being given. How can anybody tell if THIS is the situation? Nobody can read another person's mind. How do you (as in the collective you) know they're isolating?

Is a break up not valid if the person doing the breaking up has PTSD? Can't they decide they are not well enough for a relationship? PTSD changes a person, and is it possible the "new" person isn't happy with their relationship? Can they decide that a partner isn't giving them the support they need? Or that they'd rather be alone? Or a hundred other things?

PTSD is absolute hell on relationships. A lot don't survive. In fact the hard nasty truth is that any of our sufferers can wake up tomorrow and decide to leave, and we have to accept that. You cannot "do the right thing" to fix a relationship if they aren't willing to be in a relationship.

I'm a supporter too, and I know it can tear your heart out. I care a lot, I really do. I'm not saying wait, don't wait, do xyz. I'm saying you need to be real and have your eyes open in order to help yourself. Nobody can say absolutely if these "bail outs" are just isolation periods. Nobody can say if they're break ups. Just, please, please, take care of yourself. Accept reality. Learn about PTSD and how it works. Most of all, do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

Do you know how many supporters have come on this forum in a similar situation who have hung on for years, only to have their partner never come back? They torture themselves. They look for ways to justify hanging on and torturing themselves. How is that healthy?

Please take care of yourself first now. You can't do anything for them.

 

[Olivia2016]

Here's a post for you from a sufferer. As I have the utmost respect for the supporter section and cons...

As this seems to be a very common situation associated with PTSD, and circumstances and outcomes seem to be very different, I would not generalize and give one-size advice to everyone. Also, don't underestimate sharing experiences, they may help not only those, who have been "dumped" to survive and process their wound from PTSD-affected partner, but also those who are dealing with PTSD and want to understand what are the signs and how to prevent being "dumped". There are many bitter people on this website, unfortunately, and I understand that PTSD does just that to people.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

Here's a post for you from a sufferer. As I have the utmost respect for the supporter section and cons...

I'm sorry you feel like you do but there are PTSD sufferers that do come back, and yes, you still are a supporter until they are actually gone gone. How do I know? Because I experienced it before years ago, my good friend experienced it and is now back with his wife and they are stabilized, and others here on this forum have had it happen that I've talked to personally. You can't blanket statement that people aren't coming back. You aren't God. You may have been in situations as the sufferer with a very specific pattern but you are not everyone else. You are 1 sample. Chill out.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

How can anybody tell if THIS is the situation?

There are very specific phrases and tendancies that point directly at it being PTSD related vs just a regular break up. The information is only meant to be "this is likely what it is, but isn't for sure what it is, but many people that have had this happen, that is what it is."

Do you know how many supporters have come on this forum in a similar situation who have hung on for years, only to have their partner never come back? They torture themselves. They look for ways to justify hanging on and torturing themselves. How is that healthy?

There is quite a bit to say about this in terms of healthy/unhealthy and a large piece of information to add to address the situation. There is not a one size fits all, but there is a set of things that fit many. The information is going to be structured to be dynamic, not blanket type statements as many give such as "give up, move on", which isn't a fit for every situation as well as, "wait around, they will come back", isn't a fit for every situation either. Your concerns are noted as well as everyone else that seems to think there is only one answer to these things.

 

[Olivia2016]

There are very specific phrases and tendancies that point directly at it being PTSD related vs just...

I completely agree. Sometimes it may be quite easy to distinguish between just a breakup and the PTSD isolation. I have been in quite a few relationships and am married for the third time. I have never held on to my relationships, I always knew when it was the time to move on. However, when you have a perfect committed relationship, and suddenly something happens to induce PTSD, and, as the symptoms develop, your relationship suddenly breaks up, believe me, you know that this is PTSD, not just a break up. He talks PTSD, acts PTSD, and he would never do all this without PTSD. IT may be more complicated when you start a relationship with the existing PTSD, but even then, if you know the person well, I am sure you can tell. The person is still there, just hiding behind PTSD. If you feel that this is PTSD and not a clear-minded decision, then it is very possible that it is PTSD talking to you.