Relationship Is This All From Ptsd?

[BlessedRUs]

Hi!

My boyfriend and I started dating over a year ago. I knew very quickly that he was exactly what I'd always wanted in a man. As soon as we were "official" he became extremely territorial. The mention of a man, if a man smiles at me (no matter how innocent), anything to do with another man interacting with me..... causes him extreme anger. Is this from PTSD?

Also, he gets offended extremely easily. He takes most things I do the wrong way. For example, we were pulling down vines in my backyard. He pulled one and threw it on the ground. I picked it up to take it to the trash, so it would be out of his way. He said angrily, "What? I didn't put it in the right place??" He told me I was controlling. I was just trying to help him. That's probably not the best example, but he regularly takes the things I say/do that I intend for love/support and turns them into something hateful/selfish. Is this from PTSD?

These are the biggest struggles we have at the moment. May sound trivial, but these issues have caused me to pull away from my family and friends because there are males involved. These issues also keep me on the edge of my seat, holding my breath. I'm scared to talk or move because he will get angry again. He has broken up with me, abruptly, a few times over trivial things. One minute he loves me and wants to marry me, the next minute he tells me to take my things and leave, "Don't call me. Don't text me." I always beg him to take me back the next day, and he does.

Are these things from PTSD? Any advice?

 

[Casey_03]

This is not PTSD, this is emotional abuse. Run. These symptoms have nothing to do with PTSD, this guy is an abuser, and what you are describing about him getting jealous at the mere mention of other men .... that is a major red flag. As in, this will not improve. This is not a symptom of PTSD or something that can be worked on. This is a clear sign of an abuser who will likely escalate, and who you admit is already causing you to isolate from family and friends -- which is the first step to getting trapped in a truly abusive relationship. Did he tell you he has PTSD? Is he in therapy for PTSD? I ask because it's not uncommon for abusive and controlling men to use excuses that will get them sympathy for their behavior -- and PTSD is often used as just such an excuse.

 

[BlessedRUs]

He has been in therapy for PTSD for a long time. He has improved in many areas this past year. He fights his symptoms will everything he has. A year ago, he couldn't go into a restaurant or grocery due to the noise/people. Today we eat out and shop regularly. He usually does very well. He still has problems with darkness. He had 3 tours in Iraq and said that a lot of the bad stuff happened after dark, so he is nervous at night. But he has improved slightly there. If I tell him something bothers me, he tries very hard to work on it, but where men are concerned there is no discussion. And no matter how much I try to let him in my head to try to help him understand my motives in situations, he most often takes things as offensive or as some form of rejection.

If I didn't love him so deeply, I would leave. But if I left, it would just haunt me that I left a man that I love so much. Why does our heart have so much control over us?

 

[Casey_03]

See, what you describe about the dark and the anxiety -- that's PTSD. And good that he's getting treatment. But the jealousy over other men has absolutely nothing to do with PTSD at all. People with PTSD may experience jealousy or be possessive, but it's not a symptom of the PTSD, it's a feature of their personality that would probably be there regardless. His jealousy is REALLY alarming. If it is so bad that you are cutting people out of your life or avoiding male friends, you are already in an abusive relationship, even if you don't recognize it yet. I say that from personal experience and can tell you that if you give in to his jealousy and try to appease him by avoiding men, that won't actually stop him from getting jealous; he will probably still find reasons to act this way, or invent reasons and things to be paranoid about. The only way to get him to change this behavior is to confront him and tell him he's being unreasonable, and ask him to bring it up at therapy. He may be a lovely, decent person deep down, but what you are describing is still emotional abuse. Ultimately, if you let it happen, it's only going to get worse.

 

[BlessedRUs]

Thank you for your insight. I will talk to him soon. I have to find a time when my children aren't around, so it may be another week. We have counseling a week from Saturday, so after that would probably be a good time.

He was married twice, and both wives cheated on him. He says that is why he is so hyper-vigilant where men are concerned. Couple that with an abusive mother, and he doesn't trust women much. :(

 

[BlessedRUs]

Let me add that I am extremely codependent, so it's my instinct to please. It's way easier for me to avoid men than to deal with the feeling that I'm letting him down.

 

[EveHarrington]

I advise you to be careful. Abusive people oftentimes isolate their partner from the rest of the world as yours is doing to you. Eventually these people will become strangers and your support network will be only him. It's essentially a system designed to make you dependent on him/only him because you'll have no one else to turn to.

I don't believe that is love.

 

[caligirl03]

Sounds somewhat similar to what I've experienced with my man, and these symptoms sound like they could very well be related to his PTSD. I would take the fact that he is consistently attending therapy and actively trying to heal as a huge silver lining. I fought with my man for SO long to even get him to CONSIDER therapy. So although it may seem like his recovery is one step forward two steps back at times, kudos to him for at least putting in the effort.

I think the main thing to focus on is whether he is receiving the help he needs. If you feel he is not making progress, perhaps it's time to reevaluate his therapy, meds, etc. It could be that one of his medications or a few of his meds in combination is in fact what's making him so contentious. I would have him undergo a full psychological analysis- OH and please make sure he gets a brain scan too to check for TBI, which also leads to a whole host of symptoms such as these. Apparently tons of vets have TBI and are going undiagnosed.

All you can really control is yourself and how you react to his outburts. Perhaps establishing and enforcing boundaries with him will help him stay within them and realize that the things he does have consequences. But if you feel like you need to retreat from the situation, even if just temporarily while he gets his act together, then that's totally fine, too. At the end of the day, you have to take care of yourself darling.

Wishing you all the best. He sounds truly lucky to have a woman like you.

 

[BlessedRUs]

I assume TBI is traumatic brain injury? He does have a brain injury. During an explosion in Iraq, he was thrown head-first into a concrete wall. They recently did another scan, and there were no changes.

Question: Would it be abusive if my personality didn't cave to his demands? Does our personality combination make the difference? Does this make sense?

 

[caligirl03]

Absolutely not abusive-- rather it is you at last asserting your own rights and power as a human being. Giving yourself the respect you deserve and demanding that he give it also may just change up your whole dynamic for the better. Remember, whether we realize it or not, we teach people how to treat us.

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you asking if he would be abusive or if you would be abusive?

 

[BlessedRUs]

I guess I'm wondering if he would be abusive in a different relationship. If he were with someone stronger? Or is it the fact that I'm such a pleaser than creates the abusive situation? Do men like this have healthier relationships if they are in a relationship with a woman who doesn't allow this behavior? Such a complicated question to phrase. lol