Sexual Assault pretty much everything

I was periodically raped by my stepfather from the ages of about 4 or 5, to 16 or 17. My memory of everything gets hazier by the day. They dropped the case against him, and I’m still working through what happened to me, even while I’m working a part-time job and preparing to move across the country.

This might sound selfish, but how can anyone expect me to be a normal human being? The man who I called “dad” was hurting me nearly every night. I’m not only a victim of child molestation, but also of incest. He hurt other kids, too—I’m not the only one. How am I meant to live with that? I can’t even give my mom a kiss on the cheek without getting paranoid about whether I’m toeing the line into something wrong or not, because my idea of what is and is not appropriate to do with my parents has been so horribly warped by this evil, disgusting, pathetic man.

Even when I get out of this shithole town and finally have the money for therapy, I will never be okay. I will always be haunted by the fact that a stunted, immature man took something from me when I wasn’t even old enough for kindergarten. How can anyone do that to someone? How can you see a little kid just barely learning to carry a tune in a bucket, and think that they must be the perfect sexual partner for you? I can’t stand this. I’m going to be f*cked up forever. I hate this. I hate everything so much. I probably have C-PTSD and BPD and a plethora of similar acronyms all because my mom picked a shitty boyfriend after she divorced my father.

I don’t know what I stand to gain by posting this, but it feels nice to scream into the void sometimes I guess. I at least have my girlfriend. She’s all I have.

Well done for posting and expressing what you need.

I'm sorry he did that to you. I'm sorry no one noticed and stopped it. And I am sorry the police aren't prosecuting him.

There are a lot of people on here who have similar stories. A lot of understanding here.
And no need to provide warnings about content as we're all here because we have had some form of trauma and we need to talk about it. If something triggers us then we manage it, rather than censoring someone else's need to express and process.

Mod note:
Trigger / content warnings removed. Go right ahead and talk about your traumatic experiences as openly and frankly as you want, and let other worry about their own triggers and regulating their responses to your thread. You can read more about that in the Community Constitution

hello 18. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

i hope that posting this gained you a bit of relief from the isolation of the position you are in. there are no panaceas, but those little bits of relief can add up. i also hope that you don't wait for financial comfort to begin your therapy. in my own recovery from child sex trafficking, the pro input was valuable, but the support and guidance i have received through peer support and community outreach has been the mainstay of my recovery. alanon has been my pillar.

why do sick people do sick things? because they are sick. what more do i need to know?

welcome aboard. i hope you find healing companionship here.

side note
at 72 i am rather grateful for the fact that i will never be normal. the *normal* 72 year olds i know don't look like they are having much fun.

Im so sorry,
resonating to a lot of what you said.

it's excruciating in and of itself and then carrying the shame and disgust that they should have is very hard too.

hoping the best for you finding a good therapist. they cant fix us but any kind of better-than-before is still worth a lot. things dont have to be this level of awful forever.