Need support and advice Conflicting Sexual Repulsion

(16m)

I'm scared of getting a therapist for this because whenever I start to open up to anybody they always say things that make me feel like I'm back there. This is really hard to write so I'm going to ignore that feeling in my chest as well as I can.

When I was about 12 I went through puberty like a normal male child. I started to get normal male puberty urges. Something was weird with me though. I hated the very concept and was absolutely disgusted by it. This disgust soon got drowned out for a while when the urges deepened. When I had my first org*sm I didn't feel pleasure. I didn't even feel disgust. I felt deep, horrible fear. The memories around it are pretty suppressed but the sensation (that I felt was unwelcome) will not fade from my mind. The constant fog of sexual urge that invaded my mind whenever I was in my bedroom finally disappeared. I was alone, terrified, confused, and overwhelmed. I remember a moment where I was sitting in class and had a somatic flashback and it was so horrible. I'd have normal flashbacks too, especially when sitting alone in a quiet place.

My clear trauma symptoms faded, but a little friend called "sex drive" came back and took it's place. I was immature and couldn't resist much at all. Yet, I suddenly became really good at avoiding the org*sm part of doing it. I'd go out of my way to avoid doing that. I hated the other parts too, but they didn't traumatise me in an immediate recognisable way. A day later however, I'd feel horrible and disgusted.

I think about a year later it happened again. It felt like it lasted forever. I can't go into much detail.

Somehow, I didn't have my first actual panic attack until about 8 months ago.

I pushed my libido all the way to popping up once a month. I'd feel so free, but then an intense sexual "joke" said by someone near me, a scene framed as comedy where men are victims of assault or rape, something else, or seemingly nothing at all would pop up. I'd go into panic mode for a few days. Instead of killing my libido, it f*cking aroused me . My body just straight up had the opposite reaction it should have. Suddenly, I'd be convinced that it really wasnt that bad and that I should get over my trauma, and I'd act.

I had another one I think 6 months ago. This one stayed with me, yet somehow my libido did too. I'm still f*cking back there. I have a really hard time going near topics of sexual assault, and I'm about to have a Health Class unit on safe sex. And AS SOON as I START to open up with somebody they say something like "You should really try masturbation". I DONT WANT THAT. I don't want to accept that I have these urges. They are weird and pointless and have hurt me over and over again without fail.

I've seen a few people describe my scenario in asexual communities (I'm asexual and aromantic meaning I don't get attracted to people). These people get jokes as responses. No big deal, very few of them mentioned symptoms of ptsd so maybe it doesn't seem that serious to people. I posted one myself once a while back and got these kinds of responses:

"hmm... how about you find a way to pleasure yourself that you're alright with."

"Well, if you want to get rid of your sex drive, just eat junk and poison yourself."

"Why would you want to get rid of it, it's a part of you to be celebrated."

"You should really just figure out how to masturbate"

I would rather die than do that right now, but I'm scared, because fast forward a month and I won't feel that way anymore

Ik this is a very different situation than most people, but I'm hoping I can get some help because I've felt a lot of things described by normal sexual trauma victims. (a really good example is hating org*sms and feeling like theyre nonconsenual)

ConfusedDuck said:

but then an intense sexual "joke" said by someone near me, a scene framed as comedy where men are victims of assault or rape, something else, or seemingly nothing at all would pop up. I'd go into panic mode for a few days

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hard relate, it's better now than it was but these things still mess me up. especially "comedey" rape/assault scenes.

ConfusedDuck said:

it f*cking aroused me

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yeah. had this. I spiralled myself into developing morality based OCD over it as a kid lol thinking I was some kind of monster, thing is you are not your body and sexual trauma will inherently confuse sex and fear in my experience, in both ways around. sometimes how I can tell something has genuinely distressed me is groinal response. when it comes with memory or whatever. thought process thats helped me is I as a person am not the same as my automatic involuntary responses to stuff.

ConfusedDuck said:

"You should really try masturbation". I DONT WANT THAT. I don't want to accept that I have these urges. They are weird and pointless and have hurt me over and over again without fail.

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I dont masturbate. I also dont hate myself for any of the weird stuff I feel. you can choose to not do that and also come to terms with whats going on (and it also maybe improve in time/processing trauma like mine have). It isn't your fault and it doesn't inform anything about you as a person. thats a very important thing to believe I think in this situation.

when I first started uncovering trauma stuff all sorts of crazy things were going on Id get goinal response and stuff at so many things that I couldnt understand and felt guilty about. especially if it was trauma related. I was sexual from a pretty young age (trauma related) and then got older and used to masturbate to punish myself, but now Im in a better place with trauma and the urge to do that doesnt happen anymore, Im back to not masturbating it because I don't want to/dont like it and don't find it helpful/necessary/good for me. and I also dont hate or feel like Im dying if my body does stuff anymore. I think the perspective that not masturbating = you hate yourself/your body/think sex is bad is extremely oversimplified.


I think also it;s especially distressing when this is some of the only stuff that elicits responses anyway. outside of it being random/unsolicited. I have no interest in anyone. but Ive also severely ideated/kind of actually tried to nullify myself because it was distressing me so much to be getting these sexual responses and feelings. as a (then) kid and teen who couldnt cope attending a sex ed class, and someone who doesn't understand the feeling of falling in love or wanting to have sex with someone. empathising with that.




you can feel better about this, it can be much better, Ive lived a similar nightmare and it's gotten better. part of it's dealing with the guilt/shame. and knowing that accepting whats going on does not have to mean acting on it either. you dont have to pick bettween hating yourself and not doing something you dont want to, and being at peace with yourself and following every whim your body has.
we are weird and messed up creatures but the experience of that does not have to be overwhelmingly weird or messed up at all.
Im so much less anxious and focussed on myself now, feelings come and go and it's more so shug and move on now, than feeling every system in my body go emergency mode.

Mod note:
Welcome to the forum
Just FYI, I’ve removed the trigger warning from your post - we don’t use them on this forum. You can read more about that in the Community Constitution.
…and back to the conversation!

Dark.Green.Feathers said:

I dont masturbate. I also dont hate myself for any of the weird stuff I feel. you can choose to not do that and also come to terms with whats going on (and it also maybe improve in time/processing trauma like mine have). It isn't your fault and it doesn't inform anything about you as a person. thats a very important thing to believe I think in this situation.

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I know this sounds weird after all I described but when the urge does come I can resist it for a long time. Longer than many people. Several days. But once it starts it feels like it takes forever to fade. I have been able to just skip it before many times, but my mind gaslights me a lot into not believing my past feelings were valid and similar things and it's like I lose intelligence because I'm horny.

How exactly do you avoid it when it persists for days or even weeks? Just having the feeling is bassically torture, and the whole time I know if I do the act it will go away.

Dark.Green.Feathers said:

as a (then) kid and teen who couldnt cope attending a sex ed class

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It's alright if you can't talk about it, but may I ask how you did survive this? Did you skip it?

Dark.Green.Feathers said:

now Im in a better place with trauma and the urge to do that doesnt happen anymore, Im back to not masturbating it because I don't want to/dont like it and don't find it helpful/necessary/good for me. and I also dont hate or feel like Im dying if my body does stuff anymore. I think the perspective that not masturbating = you hate yourself/your body/think sex is bad is extremely oversimplified.

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I do hate my body :/.

How did you get rid of this urge, did it naturally go away from trauma? I legitimately want a chemical castration.

Hey, sexuality and ejaculation can be terrifying to anyone regardless of whether they had sexual trauma. Society plays a big part. But it doesn’t have to end in chemical castration. Like any mental distress, it can be dealt with through psychotherapy. The basis of psychoanalysis is that sex is disturbing in one way or another (because we have to live in societies) and talking about it can help relieve the symptoms. It doesn’t have to be this hard. Please tell your parents that you want to go to therapy or find online therapy.

When we have intense feelings, like what you describe you are feeling, it can feel like there is no possibility for change. But there absolutely is. You won't always feel like this.

Firstly, your age is a big factor. When we look at brain development and also hormones: you're at a stage where your body is going through so many many changes. It's unsettling at the best of times. But adding in what you describe makes it even more intense and challenging.
But it will change.

I hated my body. But I learnt to love it. Appreciate all the things it does for me.

Sex/masutrbation was triggering for me. I learnt how to manage that.

Life can get better.

Having sexual urges is very very normal. Trying to fight them might be a loosing battle.
Trying to be comfortable with them and lessening the pain it causes you might be a more successful route to freedom from this emotional pain you are in.
I second asking for therapy.

hello confused duck. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here. congratulations on having found the courage to challenge the secrecy.

child sex trafficking survivor here. raging hypersexuality is one of the meaner psychosis from that experience with. my hypersexuality has nothing to do with sexual preference/gratification. it has to do with working through the psychosis in the midst of our hypersexual culture. girl, howdy, it makes a stinking cesspool. in my own case, i found my relief in old age. at 71, i no longer have the energy to act out the perverse confusion nor the hormonal fluxes to trigger them. my energy levels are low enough for the psychotherapy to finally make sense. mostly. some. works still in progress.

just rambling. . . i mostly wanted to welcome you aboard. i hope you find stabilizing companionship here. keep venting. your answers are in there, floating right alongside the turds of sick jokes and expertise.

Rose White said:

Hey, sexuality and ejaculation can be terrifying to anyone regardless of whether they had sexual trauma. Society plays a big part. But it doesn’t have to end in chemical castration. Like any mental distress, it can be dealt with through psychotherapy. The basis of psychoanalysis is that sex is disturbing in one way or another (because we have to live in societies) and talking about it can help relieve the symptoms. It doesn’t have to be this hard. Please tell your parents that you want to go to therapy or find online therapy.

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I don't see anything wrong with chemical castration if it doesn't cause severe health issues. My goal isn't to become okay with it, because I don't want to ever have to go near it. My hate for it feels like me, feels like it fits into my identity. My urge for it feels like something else that's invasive and should leave me alone. I'm not sure if you were telling me to go so I can learn to accept it, sorry if you weren't. I'm just concerned about this constantly because "acceptance" in this context is a terrifying word. I am looking into therapy but I don't believe I'll be able to go until this Summer or a bit before that.

Movingforward10 said:

Firstly, your age is a big factor. When we look at brain development and also hormones: you're at a stage where your body is going through so many many changes. It's unsettling at the best of times. But adding in what you describe makes it even more intense and challenging.
But it will change.

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Yes it's gotten better with age, however I don't believe sex drive goes down that far naturally for a very long time if at all in men. People on other forums have suggested SSRIs to suppress it, one of the reasons I'm going into therapy (they can refer me to a psychiatrist who can/have before given them due to distress based on libido)

Movingforward10 said:

Sex/masutrbation was triggering for me. I learnt how to manage that.

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I would love to learn to manage this, but only after the urge to do it completely goes away. Currently, I'm scared of the motivator (fear) to not masturbate completely going away, although its been made clear it won't. (I don't have any urge for sex at all, only masturbation)

Movingforward10 said:

Having sexual urges is very very normal. Trying to fight them might be a loosing battle.
Trying to be comfortable with them and lessening the pain it causes you might be a more successful route to freedom from this emotional pain you are in.
I second asking for therapy.

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They are normal and I'm perfectly fine with other people having them, as long as they are ok with having them. I fully understand why it might be traumatic if the 80% of one's brain that is absolutely disgusted and terrified of sexuality is overpowered by the other 20%. One reason I didn't get therapy 5 months ago was because I kept closing my eyes and having hypothetical scenes play out in my head where my therapist or medical doctor tells me I'm going to need to learn to masturbate and be okay with it. This caused panic.

Also, I have heard of those with this issue who have succeeded through the medical path of removing their libido.

arfie said:

hello confused duck. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here. congratulations on having found the courage to challenge the secrecy.

child sex trafficking survivor here. raging hypersexuality is one of the meaner psychosis from that experience with. my hypersexuality has nothing to do with sexual preference/gratification. it has to do with working through the psychosis in the midst of our hypersexual culture. girl, howdy, it makes a stinking cesspool. in my own case, i found my relief in old age. at 71, i no longer have the energy to act out the perverse confusion nor the hormonal fluxes to trigger them. my energy levels are low enough for the psychotherapy to finally make sense. mostly. some. works still in progress.

just rambling. . . i mostly wanted to welcome you aboard. i hope you find stabilizing companionship here. keep venting. your answers are in there, floating right alongside the turds of sick jokes and expertise.

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Thanks for your rambling and all. I hope for it to go much before 71 lol

ConfusedDuck said:

Yes it's gotten better with age

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You're 16? If it's gotten better from 12-16....then that's great. That bodes well for 16+ getting better.
Hormones really really do have so much impact. Take it from someone going through the menopause and having hormones changing. Remember you are in a hormonal changing space too given your age. When that settles, things will improve.

ConfusedDuck said:

however I don't believe sex drive goes down that far naturally for a very long time if at all in men

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I know you don't want to accept having sexual urges and want them gone. But working on accepting that they are here sometimes will help.

ConfusedDuck said:

People on other forums have suggested SSRIs to suppress it,

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ConfusedDuck said:

One reason I didn't get therapy 5 months ago was because I kept closing my eyes and having hypothetical scenes play out in my head where my therapist or medical doctor tells me I'm going to need to learn to masturbate and be okay with it. This caused panic.

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I'm confused. You imagined these things and didn't go to therapy because of what you imagined?
Can you imagine something else?

Youiseeming very extreme ways of stopping sexual urges.
Have you been diagnosed with PTSD or any mental health issue?
I'm wondering what is driving all this for you.

Movingforward10 said:

You're 16? If it's gotten better from 12-16....then that's great. That bodes well for 16+ getting better.
Hormones really really do have so much impact. Take it from someone going through the menopause and having hormones changing. Remember you are in a hormonal changing space too given your age. When that settles, things will improve.

Click to expand...

Movingforward10 said:

I know you don't want to accept having sexual urges and want them gone. But working on accepting that they are here sometimes will help.

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I have thought about this. I'm not sure I have the emotional capacity to accept it even a little right now.

Movingforward10 said:

I'm confused. You imagined these things and didn't go to therapy because of what you imagined?
Can you imagine something else?

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The scenarios popped into my head because there's a lot of crappy doctors out there and I felt like the average person couldn't understand the concept of needing to completely step away from sexuality.

Movingforward10 said:

Youiseeming very extreme ways of stopping sexual urges.
Have you been diagnosed with PTSD or any mental health issue?
I'm wondering what is driving all this for you.

Click to expand...

I feel like I don't have much to lose as long as I can make the torture end. (ik this sounds suicidal, that's definitely a far last resort)
I've not been diagnosed because I haven't told any of these professionals yet because saying it out loud feels practically impossible. (I can't get the words out due to panic and dissociation.) Saying it out loud is very different from writing it for me.

I don't understand why I am like this. Maybe I was assaulted as a toddler and don't remember, but this seems unlikely based on my environment as a child.

However, I have done hours upon hours of research into myself and similar people's minds. I've found I'm not the only one dealing with this. Others words look as if I wrote them because their situation is so similar. This is my leading theory although I do not study hormones or the endocrine system at all:

1. Some people are born with sexual repulsion (like me). They do not want sex. People also often gain this later in life due to sexual trauma.
2. These people may have bodies that don't agree with them on this.
3. When it gets extreme, it feels as if they were forced into it, creating a similar or identical effect to sexual assault.