Wow .. I dont know how you manage to keep strong with all this while taking care of your kids! Its im...
(Excuse the impersonal numbering but, again, I have to :)
1. "I don't know how you manage to keep strong.." lol, for me, if I DID have them I'd be a worse mess. I had one in 1989 and the other in 2001. I used to think, wtf was I thinking having them so far apart (and still do at times ;), but I believe everything happens for a reason. Lord knows, without having this continual focus (kids) for all these years, I honestly believe I'd be dead or in jail or an addict. I don't take very good care of myself, physically or emotionally, and I know I could easily wallow in my bitterness, sadness, hatred, anger, self pity if I didn't HAVE to do things for them. Not in an unhealthy way, but they are my world. Their health and happiness means everything to me. I know I have to get better for me, but I also want to be the best parent I can be. I've made mistakes, like everyone, but being a parent has come so easy to me. I automatically do the exact opposite of my parents, I've never had to think twice whether I should do this or that. I know how I want my kids to feel inside but know more how I DONT want them to ever feel.
2. "... instinct to stay alive.." did I say that? I mean, it's true. What we cldnt process as a child, things that were just unfathomable at such a young age, we had to protect ourselves by repressing the memories or by dissociating. How could a child get up and go to school in the morning or play during recess if what happened the night or week before was still there? And if abuse happens day in and day out, we need to start compartmentalizing our little lives. It's right under the surface as some kids act out, or in my case, cry all the time/over nothing- we act out cuz we werent allowed to act out onto the perpetrators, or cry cuz we weren't allowed to cry during heinous abuse. But it gets buried deeper and deeper as time goes by. I guess the instinct to live is so very inherent, I'd never even thought about NOT living as a child. I just took the abuse, or "watched" it and even sometimes I can remember "smiling" or "enjoying" it because it was worse for me if I didnt act like that. If I fought it, it lasted longer. But outside of those times, I was so very scared, and sad and cautious and trying to make everyone happy so there wld be no fighting, etc, which is where I imagine is why you let that guy say things that hurt and accepted it at first. We're taught to "just take it".
3. Therapy can be calming but for me can also be stressful and triggering. There were many years, and I still do sometimes, DREAD going to therapy. I just get tired of the ugly memories, trying to talk when all I do is shut down. I get tired of crying. I know it's all necessary tho to heal. I'm feeling the feelings that I repressed as a child- fear, shame, disgust, shock. I can barely tolerate the feelings now, it's no wonder children dissociate.
4. I'm SO VERY GLAD reading my response helped. SO glad. It does help to talk to others who have experienced the same things. Somehow you (in general) don't feel so gross, or dirty or alone. You find out the things that you thought cld never happen to another person DO in fact happen over and over and over again to many of us. There are two things I thought for sure I had to be "making up" but I cant tell you how many times I've read (here) it happening to others. It's just so validating.
5. "... you seem to be doing well..." I am and I'm not. I've learned a ton- about alot of things- being aware of my reactions behaviors, how to change them, diff tools for diff scenarios, etc. The stronger I get the more I remember tho. And while I'm way better at dealing with it, I still have a ways to go. I'm still very scared inside, esp of relationships/men and I'm having a hell of a time with "reenacting". I HATE it, just hate it, but I cant seem to get control over it.
6. You're welcome!! If you stay in this forum I bet you will find yourself helping others out soon. It's like, I derive strength from helping out others, and on good days, I can do it and will do it, happily! I know it sucks when you're down about it and there's just no one to talk to. No one seems to want to hear about it- not family, not boyfriends, not friends. Like it bothers them to hear these things, but it's like, oh, it bothers YOU? Imagine, if you will, how I feel! ;)
