Undiagnosed First time typing this out in full

Was talking to my life partner about lacking community/support. He supports me but obviously he cant be there all the time. He suggested a forum.



I’m a 21 year old man and I’ve had the feeling that I have sexual trauma. My memory of my childhood is awful so its mostly about the symptoms I’ve delt with than concrete memories. I’ve always been insanely anxious and have had panic attacks for as long as I can remember (the earliest one happened when I was like 4 or 5). I remember my parents saying I was completely normal until that age as well when I started acting out. I wet the bed until I was like 11 and would have sleep paralysis and night terrors so bad as a kid that from ages like 8-12 I’d completely avoid sleeping and would stay up for like 48 hours in a row.



I’ve had sexual issues all my life too both hypersexuality and sex repulsion. I didn’t even know that I experienced flashbacks until my partner pointed out that it’s not normal to have distressing memories that are so intense it feels like a hallucination. Usually theyre very fleeting and don’t give me any idea of what theyre about but something in my brain does connect them to sex. Same with the night terrors I occasionally experience. Aside from my partner I’ve never told anyone about this because I feel like I’d be a horrible person for even suggesting something like that.



I also experienced emotional abuse and neglect from my parents and psychological abuse from mental health professionals as a kid.



I have some memories of csa but theyre very fleeting and blurry and your brain can always make up memories anyway. Ive tried just ignoring it going about my life because it doesnt affect my life but I really am struggling with constant anxiety and interpersonal relationships. I cant remember a time were I didnt feel scared and/or depressed.

Welcome

Do you have a therapist? Regardless of what you remember about your childhood, the symptoms you’re experiencing today, and the impact that they’re having on your life, make it worth talking to a professional. So you can figure out what’s going on for you, and set about getting the life you want:)

Sideways said:

Welcome

Do you have a therapist? Regardless of what you remember about your childhood, the symptoms you’re experiencing today, and the impact that they’re having on your life, make it worth talking to a professional. So you can figure out what’s going on for you, and set about getting the life you want:)

Click to expand...

I would like to someday but a good therapist is really expensive where I live and I’ve had some really bad experiences in therapy before so I have a hard time trusting therapists unfortunately

Hi, welcome. Your brain can make up memories, yes, but that is not typically about what you're experiencing, more about when you try and recall something, you can change the memory to what you believe happened, making that a known memory to yourself. This happens a lot in life, when in a group of family and you recall a memory, then someone around you who was there says yes or no to that. Happens with trauma, like, filling in gaps, but not just making up trauma. That is typically a different problem and limited to a handful of people who spend all their time making false memories and in essence, lying their way through life. Different condition.

What you're experiencing, I would trust that there is an issue your brain is trying to tell you about. It may not be accurate, but its something, and its a problem according to your brain.