My reason for being suicidal is stupid

Hello all, you're lucky enough to have stumbled across this thread if you're reading this right now. You're about to a real kick tonight out of the reason why I often (and especially right now) experience suicidal ideation. As dumb as it will sound, it's one that's been pretty much ruining my life (Or rather, I've been ruining my own life), and I'm pretty sure I must be a case study or something because it's utterly, completely pathetic.

You see, I'm a 25-year old artist. I will not state my identity, link any kind of social media, or post any of my works for the sake of preserving my identity. I've been through a lot of terrible and traumatic things in my life: Lack of proper parents, a life-threatening illness I had growing up, numerous deaths in the family, abuse, etc. etc. I don't honestly feel that sad or upset about any of it, nor do I feel sorry or sad for myself for having gone through these things. I even think I just deserve it at this point. But ultimately, doing art has always been something I'm deeply passionate about. Let me be clear: I don't want to do it for fame, money, or any materialistic self-centered things of a similar nature. If anything, I'd rather just stay unknown or at the very least keep within my own circles than I would be constantly bothered by annoying people.

Delving into the whole issue though, I'd say I started out having fun with it when I was a child, but something was always wrong with me without me actually realizing it. Even when it came to my childish play-based projects I could never, EVER finish anything. Everything just had to have extreme thought, precision and care put into it to be as good as possible. I was never trying to impress anybody or anything, I just never wanted to make anything bad, I guess. Nobody cares about bad things or bad people. It's something that was just deeply ingratiated in me, somehow. This mentality has continued into present-day, where I continue to struggle making anything meanwhile other people, both older and younger than me, are able to make the equivalent of Marvel movie posters in only a day or two with the same amount of work that would take me months. Sure, I've improved visually (even then, barely) in the past 6-7 years since getting out of high school, but otherwise I'm still suffering from the same issue of just never getting shit done for long periods. Inexcusably long.

I've tried speaking to a number of people about how I feel, and every time I get told the exact same thing I've been told even when I was a child: "You're being too hard on yourself."

I never think I'm being hard enough. I always feel like I need to work more: Maybe something like another hour to stay up to finish, or more projects to start so I can continue to develop a portfolio that isn't worthless garbage. I apply that logic to a lot of areas of my life, too. Basic adulting, life stuff, work, etc. etc. My existence has become so tired and demanding because of it all, but the way I see it, life doesn't care. I mean, things really only change when you actually are able to do something that physically moves a barrier, not because you hope and pray hard enough that it will.

Sometimes I can get so aggressive towards myself over my struggle that I devolve into angry "episodes" that have slowly intensified. I used to just mope and get depressed when I wouldn't meet a deadline or do something "right", but nowadays I've slammed my hands on tables, hit walls, thrown objects, threaten myself, and even self-harmed when I just can't hold my disdain in anymore. I'd even started drinking last year in a desperate attempt to try and numb the feelings, which I've stopped as of a couple of months ago.

I have recently been laid off from my job. It's given me a lot of time to think about how badly this is affecting me. I have hundreds, if not thousands of unfinished projects right now, many even going back to adolescence. Whenever I think about that fact, or see other people just doing a lot better than I am right now, it's heavy on me. I wasn't even happy on my 25th birthday. Instead, I was depressed knowing that 25 years, an entire prison sentence worth of my life, was just totally and utterly wasted. I don't know if this is driven per se by perfectionism or my "stress-based anxiety disorder" (Because I've had repeated panic attacks that have also dominated my life for the past several years or so) or what this indicates or might be. But it's ruled my life for so long that I genuinely feel like I'm ready to die just so I don't have to suffer the agony of seeing my own failed existence anymore. It really feels like it's just too late for me.

If any friends or people I know, or anyone else who otherwise knows me sees this thread, I'm sorry I was weak.

I'll be happy to answer any further questions for a short period, if there are any.

I'm really glad you shared this. I know it took courage to lay it all out like that, and I want you to know that what you're feeling isn't stupid or pathetic—not even a little bit.

Here's what I'm hearing: You care deeply about your work and about doing things well. That's actually a beautiful thing. But somewhere along the way, that care turned into a voice that's never satisfied, never kind, and never lets you breathe. And that voice has become so loud that it's drowning out the actual joy you once had making art.

The thing is, perfectionism isn't really about excellence—it's about fear. It sounds like you're terrified of being "bad" or "worthless," so you've built this impossible standard where nothing you do will ever be good enough. And the cruel part? That standard can never be met. It's designed that way. So you're running on a treadmill that only goes faster, and you're exhausted.

I also hear someone who's been through real, serious pain in your life, and instead of letting yourself feel sad about any of it, you've turned all that hurt inward and made it your fault. You've decided you deserve it. But that's not true, and I think somewhere deep down, you know that.

The anger, the self-harm, the drinking—these weren't character flaws. They were signs that something inside you was breaking under the weight of impossible demands. And the fact that you stopped drinking a couple months ago? That actually shows real strength, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

You're 25. That's not too late. That's not wasted. That's actually still the beginning, even though I know it doesn't feel that way.

You deserve to talk to someone who can help you untangle this—not to make you "work harder," but to help you understand why you're so afraid of being imperfect, and to give you permission to be human. Please reach out to someone if you're having thoughts of hurting yourself. You matter more than any finished project ever could.

user57486 said:

I even think I just deserve it at this point.

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no, you don't.

I'm going to speak to you as one (perhaps crappy) artist to another (good or crappy, I cannot say from here).
'deserving' is a construct. A construct which says there is some kind of vengeful, childish force out there which thinks that a score must be settled. That a score was being kept in the first place. As an artist, can you rewrite that story?

user57486 said:

I just never wanted to make anything bad, I guess.

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'Bad' again depends on definitions. I guess someone like Rembrand put extreme care into his art. But there are countless others, including musicians, who had a mental breakdown or went on a rage trip, or became completely incoherent, and produced astounding works from there. Creative works don't necessarily have to come from some sort of conscious, super precise, super directed effort.

user57486 said:

My existence has become so tired and demanding because of it all, but the way I see it, life doesn't care. I mean, things really only change when you actually are able to do something that physically moves a barrier, not because you hope and pray hard enough that it will.

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Life has recently taught me a lesson that I preferred not to learn. Namely, that you need to embrace change if you want anything to change. If you are rigid, then you are actively stopping a flow of changes that might be necessary to change something outside of you. Not saying that you cannot be rigid (you absolutely can), but most likely you will just get in your own way and continually try to budge life - try to knock it around and get it to change.

PS. Thank you for jotting down your struggles, it helped me, since I struggle with much of the same stuff.

user57486 said:

and even self-harmed when I just can't hold my disdain in anymor

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I used to do (and sometimes still do) the same things that you mention. Except with me, my disdain is focused at other people. I think that THEY are the unproductive ones, the ones that just sit around, the ' losers', if you will. And I let that disdain/hatred get such a grip on my life that the final result is, that I never get anything done. If I am reading this correctly, it sounds like you and I may be similar.

DISDAIN is an emotion. It is coming from somewhere - from trauma, from some event that you never processed. It is very likely not coming from you "not being good enough". If you identify with that emotion, if you claim that emotion, then yes it is going to run your life. Better would be to recognize that you are an individual, and that the disdain is something separate, which you need to find out how to deal with.

user57486 said:

If any friends or people I know, or anyone else who otherwise knows me sees this thread, I'm sorry I was weak.

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You sound like a fighter.
Saying that you are weak, or apologizing for being weak, tears you down and does the opposite of what you need. Acknowledge that you are a fighter, acknowledge your own courage.

I think what you need to do, is re-direct your power in a different way. Acknowledge that disdain does not HAVE to boss you around. Acknowledge your own power to shift and change things, and then be willing to be in that position of shifting and changing things. That is what gets things moving.