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Thanks Sues - We all get very myopic when it comes to our mental health and it is alsways nice to hear from someone who understands or that their is even someone that understands.

I learned very early in life, at age 10 to compartmentalize my life. This is how I survived my abuse, unfortunately, that skill learned at an early age that probably kept me alive has also ruined my life. It is not just the abuse that I compartmentalize it is everything in my life. After 50...

Yes if adult me had walked into the room to see the abuse I would have killed the abuser. As I think back my father was a very bright intellectual, not a physical man or one who spoke that way but he was an intelligence officer in WWII and if I had said something my very peaceful and non...

I guess this gets at the crux of the issue, forgiveness. I have always had a problem throughout my life of being able to forgive people but I suspect this is rooted in my inability to forgive myself for allowing the abuse, not telling anyone. It may have happened between the ages of 10-12 but by...

The issue is that there is a part of me that feels I need to know but another part that will not let me?

Thank you to all. I hope with my new T that I will be able to heal. My 10yo self does not understand this. When I had a severe mental collapse 5 years ago I finally emerged with therapy but as I look back on that time it really created more questions than it answered. I don't generally cry over...

Now that I have an appt with a new T my biggest question / concern is do I want to remember? I know these memories are inside me but do I dare build a bridge in my mind to allow them out? I kept my secret for over 45 years and now that I have been forced to face the abuse, I am confused. Part...

Thank you @flowerapple Just knowing someone else is feeling the same is helpful

Success, I have an appt on the 14th!

Thank you survivor3, the adult me understands this but this is buried deep in my soul and the reality is I went willingly to my abuser, what type of weak unforgivable act is that!

The only thing I can say I have learned for sure is that being abused as a child leaves a mark and messes with your life. I was 10 when abused by a family friend for 2 years and never said anything. That original sin I will never recover from because no matter what any one tells me, it was my...

Interesting, in my case it is first person but it is me as a child

I went to Psychology Today and through the find a therapist section I sent out emails to 8 Therapists, fingers crossed

I appreciate and understand the comments but the crux of the problem is that I don't remember details beyond a few and the amazingly real flashbacks that put me in the room but it is only a second. The easiest thing is to do what I did for 45 years, bury it but that does not work anymore. The...

A couple of months. For me EMDR was a negative experience. Not because of the EMDR itself but the inability of EMDR to pnetrate the steel wall makes me think the horrors are so bad that I am protecting myself, this scares me

Unfortunately I live in the US where mental health is the lowest priority, which is crazy because we have so many disturbed people I did go the their site and sent emails to 8 different Therapists, let's see what happens

I have been trying to hook up with a new T for months. I have reached out and contacted 5 separate ones, no appointments available. In the meantime I am beginning to slip into severe depression, again after 4 years and seems impossible to find help :-(

Probably made you feel terrible but at least it made you feel. My previous T had been practicing EMDR for over 40 years and tried it on me 8 times, zero effect. My disassociation and protection mechanisms have an impeneratrable wall made of steel :-( I wish like you I had felt something, anything.

I have been keeping my growing depression secret from my wife for 6 months (my default response) but last night shared with her, I am glad I did. "My Love: I am sharing this with you so you can maybe understand a little about some issues I am dealing with. I really thought I had this behind me...

Interesting you have described in so many ways how I am currently feeling and I suspect many others. I can't really offer advice as I have the same struggle and have not found the answer but I can say, you are not alone and hang in there

Good reason. I am not sure why I did not say anything but as most details are fuzzy. I know I was drugged and quite possibly threatened

Thanks invisible, appreciate the comments. For clarification when I went to a T 4 years ago I did tell my wife about the abuse but can't discuss in detail with anyone including myself :-(

Trouble concentrating, unable to focus and I feel paralyzed. Waiting till new T has space, supposed to be early October hope I make it before I totally collapse into depression. I am fighting but without anyone to talk to it is hard. I can't talk to my wife about this, seems crazy but this is my...

I like your outlook and I do believe that liking yourself is important. For myself I neither like myself or dislike but rather due to life long issues I have dealt with as an adult survivor I no longer trust any opinion about myself. All I can say is I have a very high self survival and...

I have never heard that term before, "Divorce from myself" but it seems very accurate :-( Of course if accurate it means that I can't stand myself which is not something I have thought about but certainly might be true, it would explain a lot.