Now that I have an appt with a new T my biggest question / concern is do I want to remember? I know these memories are inside me but do I dare build a bridge in my mind to allow them out? I kept my secret for over 45 years and now that I have been forced to face the abuse, I am confused.
Part of me wants to make sense of the visions and flashbacks but there is a part of me that is terrified to let out all the memories. Might the clear understanding destroy me with endless horrible images and feelings instead of the 1 second flashbacks I currently have? I am not sure I am strong enough to survive the full knowledge and visions of details of my abuse at the hands of a professional pedophile. Also, all that information coupled with my willingness to participate for 2 years and to never seek protection is horrifying and will remake me into something I can not accept.
My question to those who have already traveled this road is simple, "If you had it to do over again would you want to remember or not?"
Part of me wants to make sense of the visions and flashbacks but there is a part of me that is terrified to let out all the memories. Might the clear understanding destroy me with endless horrible images and feelings instead of the 1 second flashbacks I currently have? I am not sure I am strong enough to survive the full knowledge and visions of details of my abuse at the hands of a professional pedophile. Also, all that information coupled with my willingness to participate for 2 years and to never seek protection is horrifying and will remake me into something I can not accept.
My question to those who have already traveled this road is simple, "If you had it to do over again would you want to remember or not?"