Abuser not remembering their abuse

[CariCat]

Hi there Im new to this group.

I have a question.

I recently started therapy with my dad. (He's been abusive the later part of my life.)

I have PTSD and a victim of domestic abuse. I was physically assaulted by my brother and Dad.

My dad and I had our first therapy session last week. It was really hard for me to be in his presence because he makes me so nervous. When I told him why we are there he takes on complete denial. When I was talking about my memories. He came right out and said that he had absoultely no memory of them.I was very shocked because how can someone not remember dragging their daughter out of their bed when she comes home from the hospital?
my dad's best excuse after i bring up what hes done to me is, 'I feel like Im being possessed by demons. So I have no memory of doing things.'

 

[Charbella]

Hi there Im new to this group.

I have a question.

I recently started therapy with my dad. (He's been abusive the later part of my life.)

I have PTSD and a victim of domestic abuse. I was physically assaulted by my brother and Dad.

My dad and I had our first therapy session last week. It was really hard for me to be in his presence because he makes me so nervous. When I told him why we are there he takes on complete denial. When I was talking about my memories. He came right out and said that he had absoultely no memory of them.I was very shocked because how can someone not remember dragging their daughter out of their bed when she comes home from the hospital?
my dad's best excuse after i bring up what hes done to me is, 'I feel like Im being possessed by demons. So I have no memory of doing things.'

Yeah I have a cousin whose dad is much the same. But if we’re being fair, dissociating is a thing and he could be doing it. Let’s face it if you did something horrendous, wouldn’t you rather not remember it? It’s why I avoid asking my mom about stuff, she isn’t going to remember it and then I’m going to be left feeling even worse than I already do.

What’s your motivation for doing therapy with him? Are you going to get that from him?

 

[whiteraven]

When I told him why we are there he takes on complete denial.

You mean he didn't know why you were both in therapy? I mean, what did he think you were doing?

I think sometimes people who abuse don't see it as abuse. Esp. if they have their own issues. My dad never expressed an understanding of his actions on us. I think that much of what he did he just couldn't see from others' point of view.

What’s your motivation for doing therapy with him?

I wondered this, too. I can't even imagine doing therapy with someone who was abusive.

 

[Friday]

Alcoholics; Schizo, Dissociative, Severe ED, & a handful of other disorders; as well as people with significant brain traumas… will NOT -legitimately- remember whole swaths of their lives.

Does your dad have a disorder or condition that makes this likely?

 

[Weemie]

Keep in mind that it's also exceedingly likely he's lying about not being able to remember. If he's already abusive, lying isn't exactly out of the question. The fact that he doesn't deny it, but claims not to "remember" is telling. If someone accused me of abusing them, I would say that absolutely didn't happen. Because it didn't. If I forgot about it, well, it still didn't happen, according to me?

Why would you default to saying "well, I just don't remember that." ??? According to your own autobiographical experiences/memories: either you did it or you didn't do it. If you don't remember doing it, you're not going to know that you forgot (since that is what forgetting is, lol). You're going to deny it ever happened, period. So I usually don't take "I don't remember" at face value from an abuser.

It's the #1 response, so I'm kind of like, yeah, OK. Whatever. Ask anyone on this forum how their abuser reacted to being confronted. 9 times out of 10 it's the same shit: "ohhh, I don't remember it like that." And usually they turn out to be lying. My mom claimed not to remember abusing me, too. And then when it was clear that I wasn't going to drop it or change my mind about my own memories, she finally admitted to it.

It's also complicated because my mom abused me during a period of psychosis, so she probably does legitimately not remember things properly, but she still had some recollection of seven years of our life. His response of "oh, well, I'm possessed by demons" is basically as good as an admission of guilt. He absolutely knows what he's done, he's just distancing himself from it.

Think about how you would respond if someone falsely or incorrectly accused you of abusing them. "Well I was just possessed by demons!" is a nonsense answer.

 

[Movingforward10]

Saying he is possessed by demons to me makes me think he is either in a delusional mental health crisis or an absolute liar. Either way: therapy isn't going to achieve whatever it is you want (a recognition of what he did to you? An apology? Relationship repair?).

Because , what I don't hear from him is remorse and responsibility taking . He couldn't even say "it was demons, but I'm sorry I did that and I can imagine how horrible that must have been for you".

Abusive people don't take responsibility. Otherwise , if they did, they wouldn't have been abusive in the first place. Because they have empathy and get it.

I also wonder why you're doing this therapy? And I also wonder about your therapist, I not convinced about this at all. This seems like it can be retraumatising.

And I agree with @whiteraven , what did he think he was going to therapy for?

I get a sense that he's going to use this to make out you have it wrong and make you doubt yourself. Rather than own up to his part in this relationship with you.

 

[Givrali]

My brother slaped me on one occasion and his girlfriend in another. When we both told him about it he sweared he never did it. He looked very destabilized like for him it never happenned but he trusted us.

One another occasion I told him about the nickname he and my other brother gave me as children. He reconized it but minimized it as just jokes.

In first exemple it's likely he don't remember. In the second he's not taking responsability. The exemple given in the first message is a non responsabilty way and not a non remembering way

 

[scout86]

I'd be willing to bet he's lying. But, it's also possible he doesn't remember that, to him, the incident was rather trivial, like taking out the garbage, and it wasn't worth remembering. Obviously (I hope!) I'm not saying he's right in that, but that IS the way some people operate. I'm wondering what the purpose of this joint therapy is too. I hope the therapist is smart enough and good enough not to be manipulated by an accomplished liar.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

He might be lying, or he might not remember because even though it was awful for you, it was a random day for him. Sometimes it works like that. For them it is regular normal so it doesn’t get burnt into their brain like when you’re on the receiving end.

 

[whiteraven]

I'm watching Bones right now, and the psychiatrist on there just said, "people don't retain what they don't find important." Talk about synchronicities. LOL

 

[CariCat]

Saying he is possessed by demons to me makes me think he is either in a delusional mental health crisis or an absolute liar. Either way: therapy isn't going to achieve whatever it is you want (a recognition of what he did to you? An apology? Relationship repair?).

Because , what I don't hear from him is remorse and responsibility taking . He couldn't even say "it was demons, but I'm sorry I did that and I can imagine how horrible that must have been for you".

Abusive people don't take responsibility. Otherwise , if they did, they wouldn't have been abusive in the first place. Because they have empathy and get it.

I also wonder why you're doing this therapy? And I also wonder about your therapist, I not convinced about this at all. This seems like it can be retraumatising.

And I agree with @whiteraven , what did he think he was going to therapy for?

I get a sense that he's going to use this to make out you have it wrong and make you doubt yourself. Rather than own up to his part in this relationship with you.

Well he wants to be a part of my life. And I dont want him in my life because Im afraid of him. I wanted to do therapy so that we can heal the mess between us. I lost my mom in 2016 from a presciption overdose.

I'd be willing to bet he's lying. But, it's also possible he doesn't remember that, to him, the incident was rather trivial, like taking out the garbage, and it wasn't worth remembering. Obviously (I hope!) I'm not saying he's right in that, but that IS the way some people operate. I'm wondering what the purpose of this joint therapy is too. I hope the therapist is smart enough and good enough not to be manipulated by an accomplished liar.

He's been like this all of my life. My mom diveroced him because he favored my brother who had BPD.

Yeah I have a cousin whose dad is much the same. But if we’re being fair, dissociating is a thing and he could be doing it. Let’s face it if you did something horrendous, wouldn’t you rather not remember it? It’s why I avoid asking my mom about stuff, she isn’t going to remember it and then I’m going to be left feeling even worse than I already do.

What’s your motivation for doing therapy with him? Are you going to get that from him?

I want to try to heal the brokwn relationship between us. Although yesterday he told me that the only reason why we are in therapy is because of me. I was stunned. Its not normal to act like this to your only daughter. I have a hard time getting upset with my cat because I don't want to repeat what he's done to me to others.

Saying he is possessed by demons to me makes me think he is either in a delusional mental health crisis or an absolute liar. Either way: therapy isn't going to achieve whatever it is you want (a recognition of what he did to you? An apology? Relationship repair?).

Because , what I don't hear from him is remorse and responsibility taking . He couldn't even say "it was demons, but I'm sorry I did that and I can imagine how horrible that must have been for you".

Abusive people don't take responsibility. Otherwise , if they did, they wouldn't have been abusive in the first place. Because they have empathy and get it.

I also wonder why you're doing this therapy? And I also wonder about your therapist, I not convinced about this at all. This seems like it can be retraumatising.

And I agree with @whiteraven , what did he think he was going to therapy for?

I get a sense that he's going to use this to make out you have it wrong and make you doubt yourself. Rather than own up to his part in this relationship with you.

yeah im worried that will happen again too. I have been triggered since the day we met the therapist. I can;t stand it. Im isolating as a means of self protection. I've tried to talk to my aunt about this and she doesn't say much. Once she said to not think about it. And most of the time she's too busy for me. She knows that my mom committed suicide. So I dont understand why she is so hands off with me? If i knew that someone in the family was being emotionally and physically abused I would call the cops on the said person.I have a feeling that my uncle ( dad's only brother) has told her not to get close to me. Meanwhile he's got problems too. But it's rather saddening to me that my family is so uninvolved with me.

Alcoholics; Schizo, Dissociative, Severe ED, & a handful of other disorders; as well as people with significant brain traumas… will NOT -legitimately- remember whole swaths of their lives.

Does your dad have a disorder or condition that makes this likely?

I think that he's either bipolar or has BPD. My brother had BPD when we was alive.

 

[CariCat]

Yeah I have a cousin whose dad is much the same. But if we’re being fair, dissociating is a thing and he could be doing it. Let’s face it if you did something horrendous, wouldn’t you rather not remember it? It’s why I avoid asking my mom about stuff, she isn’t going to remember it and then I’m going to be left feeling even worse than I already do.

What’s your motivation for doing therapy with him? Are you going to get that from him?

I want to work things out with him and try to repair the damage

Yeah I have a cousin whose dad is much the same. But if we’re being fair, dissociating is a thing and he could be doing it. Let’s face it if you did something horrendous, wouldn’t you rather not remember it? It’s why I avoid asking my mom about stuff, she isn’t going to remember it and then I’m going to be left feeling even worse than I already do.

What’s your motivation for doing therapy with him? Are you going to get that from him?

I have fibromyalgia and he helps me out from time to time.