Is it better to remember details of abuse or not?

At the end of the day regardless of what anyone says, this falls on me :-(
Nope, this is one more thing in your life that's been touched by your trauma.
It may have happened between the ages of 10-12 but by that stage I was developed enough to know this was bad and wrong and still did nothing.
No ten year olds or even twelve year olds, first of all, should ever be expected to defend themselves in a life-threatening situation. Which, make no mistake, is exactly what your abuse was.

Second of all, it's more likely that instead of realizing the situation was bad and wrong, you thought you were bad and wrong. Which is exactly how we'd expect a 10- or 12-year-old who's being abused to react.

You were not, and are not, bad and wrong. You were in a horrible, life-threatening situation. You are not to blame.
 

RussellSue

MyPTSD Pro
At the end of the day regardless of what anyone says, this falls on me :-(

I am not feeling ballsy enough to pretend to know what normal looks like but I know that by the time I was 10-12 years old, I was very curious about sex. I can pretty much guarantee you that if most anyone had tried to grope, fondle or otherwise invite me into sexual relations, I'd have been on board at that age. It would have seemed like a complete non-issue. However, those adults who did engage me in sexual relations at 12 were still the ones in the wrong. And I don't hate myself for what went on because I know that I wasn't old enough, mature enough or mentally healthy enough to make the choice to fight against it. Kids are kids - they don't think like adults. Even a horny as f*ck 12-year-old is not considered a consenting adult because the mature brain that we need to make good choices with our bodies isn't formed, yet. You not being an adult at 10 and 12 should not be a point of shame. It's just reality. You may remember yourself as a bright and thinking kid but you were still not an adult and therefore not capable of making sound sexual decisions, especially where adults were involved.

Your thinking on this issue seems very distorted. It makes sense because you have lived with this for a very long time but hopefully through talking with your therapist and others you will begin to see that whatever blame or fault there is or is not, blaming yourself and being angry at yourself for this is going to do nothing but prolong your suffering. It isn't worth it. You have more important things left to do in this life that self-loathing will get in the way of.
 

Friday

Moderator
It may have happened between the ages of 10-12 but by that stage I was developed enough to know this was bad and wrong and still did nothing
By that logic you realize that means every adult victim of rape or domestic violence is at fault for their own assault? Because they either didn’t do anything, or didn’t do enough.

I know. Bit of a brain breaker, right?

Emotions don’t logic so hot. That’s what heads are for, to temper emotional reasoning with intellect & experience, and sharpen the depth of power the heart can create, into a useful tool. Rather than let the heart just swing wildly about, blind, but still trying it’s best.
 
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Friday

Moderator
Another way to consider it? If you wouldn’t take credit for someone else’s victories? Don’t take credit for someone else’s failures, or crimes. If you wouldn’t rape a child? Don’t take credit for someone else raping a child.

That’s a hard call to make for natural born protectors. It’s 2nd nature to take onto yourself the responsibility to DO SOMETHING, and to take responsibility if you fail to protect someone. If I know someone is being hurt, and I don’t stop it, I am just as responsible as the person that did it, in my own heart & mind. In some ways? More. Because not only was that person hurt, but my own honor and sense of self took a double hit. A triple hit that dwarfs the other two, if failing to protect them makes me an oath breaker, as they were someone it was my sworn duty to protect.

So I’m saying I very much understand the impulse to shoulder the lion’s share, especially if you’re making the mistake of looking back on a child and shoving a lifetime’s worth of adult experience and expectations on them. But they’re still a kid. Even if they are YOU as a kid. A kid at the beginning of learning the man who he is to become. Cut that kid in your memories some slack. If adult you walked into that room with the kid being abused, a very different series of things would happen. Ain’t the kid’s fault for being a kid. Even if that kid was you. And neither kid, nor adult, is responsible for the evils others do.
 
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David1959

Confident
Another way to consider it? If you wouldn’t take credit for someone else’s victories? Don’t take credit for someone else’s failures, or crimes. If you wouldn’t rape a child? Don’t take credit for someone else raping a child.

That’s a hard call to make for natural born protectors. It’s 2nd nature to take onto yourself the responsibility to DO SOMETHING, and to take responsibility if you fail to protect someone. If I know someone is being hurt, and I don’t stop it, I am just as responsible as the person that did it, in my own heart & mind. In some ways? More. Because not only was that person hurt, but my own honor and sense of self took a double hit. A triple hit that dwarfs the other two, if failing to protect them makes me an oath breaker, as they were someone it was my sworn duty to protect.

So I’m saying I very much understand the impulse to shoulder the lion’s share, especially if you’re making the mistake of looking back on a child and shoving a lifetime’s worth of adult experience and expectations on them. But they’re still a kid. Even if they are YOU as a kid. A kid at the beginning of learning the man who he is to become. Cut that kid in your memories some slack. If adult you walked into that room with the kid being abused, a very different series of things would happen. Ain’t the kid’s fault for being a kid. Even if that kid was you. And neither kid, nor adult, is responsible for the evils others do.
Yes if adult me had walked into the room to see the abuse I would have killed the abuser. As I think back my father was a very bright intellectual, not a physical man or one who spoke that way but he was an intelligence officer in WWII and if I had said something my very peaceful and non threatening father would have shot him dead without second thought
 
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