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I've had narcissism on the mind because I've been wondering if my bf's son is developing it as a reaction to parenting. So though you don't at all seem to show any trait of narcissism, I'm just going to use that as a framework because I have it fresh in mind. Apparently, self-sabotage is a trait...

I'm not an expert, but I wanted to insert that van der Kolk believes that a number of diagnoses like GAD is an outgrowth of a deeper ptsd.

Thanks, @scout86. I think you're right that kids of divorce play their parents off of each other, but that hasn't been the major problem in this case. But that he's trying to avoid getting in trouble being normal, I agree with that. But I wonder if it has the chance to become pathological. Last...

I don't know that I get excited about friends. I have a wide variety of friends that pop in and out of my life at different times during the month and year. But I look to my bf for connection and to feel special. I think the latter is what is unique about romantic love. And actually, I think it...

I think that all love has the same root. I believe it's a deeply felt need that is fed with positive energy, with consideration, respect, and kindness. I think that disrespect and disdain obstruct love. Romantic love is heightened by the sexual instinct which I think strives for unity and...

@Strangelongtrip , I totally get what you're talking about. When I first started dating after my divorce in 12 years ago, I wasn't even conscious of what I was doing as you seem to be. I would complain bitterly that there weren't any good people to date, and then I would think back and...

I think that's a good point, @grit. My bf was telling me about what his ex did for him once that was really sweet. And I was like, that's so nice. But there was also a part of me that was jealous, and I do know that I am inclined to diminish her just because she is my bf's ex. I have to be...

I just wanted to comment that you seem to be a mindful, grounded person. I think many people would be nursing hurts and anger, but you seem to have your husband's and kids' welfare at the forefront. But I wouldn't blame you if you did have some emotion around this, and I hope you are taking care...

The ex wanted to get divorced. It turns out that she was having an affair with another man. My bf wanted to stick it out despite being very unhappy because he didn't want his son to suffer from having to go through a divorce (he developed clinical anxiety during the marriage). There are a lot of...

So do you think what he asked was inappropriate? We've been together now 11 months and he, his son, and I have spent a good deal of time together. My bf and I feel like we're in it for the long haul. I felt like it was appropriate to start pitching in.

Thanks for the thoughts and advice. The codependent tendency is to think you're right, so you're entitled to but in. Maybe a part of me knew that, and brought me here to be reminded about maintaining boundaries from people who know better. To answer your question, @scout86, the school...

Hi all, I've been trying to not be so codependent and am trying to mind my own business. But I've been tempted for a long while to give feedback to my bf about his ex and the way she parents her child. I never even met her, so here I am speculating about her from hearsay, but the struggles that...

I just told my bf about my cptsd just a week ago! We've been dating for 11 months. I wasn't exactly trying to hide it. He and I have both shared our childhood stuff and he has known that some pretty crappy things went down. But he was asking me how I handle stress (he gets headaches and I never...

Sounds really positive. He's talking to you about his feelings and helping to come up with solutions. Not much more you can ask for. Keep us posted!

Thanks for explaining, @Innordinate. Sounds like we're more on the same page than I originally thought. I too grate against Skinner, and my favorite book was Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, who uses evidence-based practices that supports intrinsic development in a child. My son has adhd...

You seem like a really caring, thoughtful dad @Innordinate. I just have two brief thoughts, and they're both kind of based on parenting styles, so take them for what you will. Plus, I understand that every child is different. 1. I don't believe in punishments, so my response wouldn't have been...

Hi @KwanYingirl, sorry to hear about the targeted harrassment. That's the worst. I'd also like to hear more specifics about the what the women are doing. I think that it really helps to analyze things on a specific level because I think ptsd easily exploits vague feelings to distort into its own...

Thank you! That's nice that your husband cares about your needs. I think the core concern is the important thing. Whether he can meet it or not consistently is important, but secondary. I had a pretty mixed day of focusing on myself versus on the other. I very much think that "angrily focusing...

Sorry to hear that @HealingMama. There are of course real concerns and problems caused by other people's craziness that doesn't help us feel centered and focused on ourselves. I feel that I have codependent tendencies, but the big difference between my past and now is that I am with someone who...

Wow, @Mach123. The household seems so chaotic. Would you want to make any changes for the kids' sake? I am highly motivated when it comes to my kid. I think in part I try to protect him from any kind of abuse like the way I suffered. I'm so sorry that happened to you @DharmaGirl. If you were...

Thank you all for your thoughts. I might use the word 'co-dependent', but whatever we call it, I think it kind of consolidates many facets of our experiences being with others in the world. I don't have a lot of time right now, so I'm going to keep this brief, but I wanted to comment in more...

Another thing I read in van der Kolk that I relate to is his findings that "normal" people who don't have ptsd tend to focus on themselves when at rest. When just sitting without anything to do, the brain regions that are responsible for the sense of self are active. In a ptsd person, when at...

There was a codependent thread maybe a couple of years ago. I wanted to see if anyone was interested in posting about issues relating to this. A little background: I was married to a gambling addict, and divorced like 14 years ago. I only learned about and embraced the label of codependency...

Thanks @crushed. That's a really interesting perspective, @Friday. I actually have been thinking about how much my hypervigilance is responsible for having accomplished the things that I have. I am usually over-prepared because I think things will go wrong. While I was going through the panic...

@ms spock, thanks for your post, for expressing that painful experience of hating yourself so much. Religions assume that everyone will love themselves as a matter of fact - it's an abomination that our starting points are to hate ourselves. My history is that I reserved all of my most deeply...