Relationship PTSD Divorce?

[BanjoraLost]

My husband is a veteran officially diagnosed with PTSD. We've been married for eight years, but a few weeks ago, he stated he wanted a divorce. His reasons were that he didn't love me anymore, felt that maybe he never loved me, said he realized we were only together because of his PTSD, said that he felt numb to everything, and that our whole marriage was just bad, and I deserved better. He specified a few other reasons, including my post-pregnancy weight gain, but I was pretty overweight when we first started dating, am am currently not much heavier, so I'm not sure how much value I put in that. (We have three small children.)

I've known that my husband was unhappy for a while, but I always thought he was struggling with his PTSD. I wasn't expecting him to ask for divorce. He's been diagnosed for almost seven years, and has never sought professional help, despite me encouraging him to do so. His main symptoms include anxiety, impulsiveness, anger, social isolation, etc. (I've felt like he suffered from depression as well.)

Now that we are separated my husband does seem happier. He's been keeping up with housework and putting his own personal touches on the place. However, he's done some odd stuff too. He turned off the heat and hot water to the house, disconnected his cell phone, and keeps the lights off all the time. He says he's doing these things to save money, but then he went and spent a lot of money on a Jeep that gets poor gas mileage. He's currently heating the house solely from the fireplace, and has installed an instant hot water heater after a month of no hot water. He doesn't make a lot of money, but does have sizable inheritance that he's spending at lightening speed. (I figure the Jeep was $30k, but that's not the only thing he's bought.) My dad (who lost a brother to PTSD) keeps telling me that something isn't right and that my husband isn't in a good frame of mind. My dad says his brother acted in similar ways and is very concerned.

I will say that my husband and I had a similar breakup prior to getting married, and it occurred on almost the exact same date of the current breakup. This could just be a coincidence, but it is also days away from the anniversary of a triggering event my husband experienced in Iraq.

My husband did agree to file legal separation instead of going straight for divorce, and also said he would attend marriage counseling, but only to give me closure, he says. However, at this point, I'm not even sure that's a good idea, because I'm concerned that the issue isn't the marriage at all and that he really just needs help for his PTSD. He did tell me he called the veteran's crisis line, but still hasn't gotten an appointment.

He is the primary caretaker for the kids while I'm at work, so I'm fairly invested in his well-being. My kids need their dad more than I need to be married to him, and I want my husband to be a successful dad. However, I have genuine concern that my husband is only going to feel good about this for the short term, and then revert back into a depressed state once the initial relief wears off.

I'm trying to be supportive, but I'm not really sure what my husband needs. I moved out of the house to give him space, but we still have to see each other all the time because of the kids. I guess I'm looking for some perspective here.

Does anyone have any insights?

 

[blackemerald1]

My perspective is that you sound like you are doing everything you can to work on this. I hope you are giving yourself a little bit of time off from all the incredibly big responsibilities you have. Look after yourself always - whatever happens.

Secondly, yeah - from the small amount you've related here - aside from the ptsd some of that behaviour seems a bit odd even with his justifications.

I'm concerned that the issue isn't the marriage at all and that he really just needs help for his PTSD.

He did tell me he called the veteran's crisis line, but still hasn't gotten an appointment.

^Yes - he needs help with his ptsd. If you need that affirmation then know just that one thing.
^ Can you or his father call the people who diagnosed him and find out when and what can be done?

Certainly anniversaries loom large in ptsd and maybe that is what set it all off again. Ptsd can be cyclic even untreated. But maybe now, being untreated is pushing it to crisis point. I reckon any marriage, with small children that is failing primarily because of untreated ptsd is a tragedy.

He specified a few other reasons, including my post-pregnancy weight gain,

^ I think that him telling you, that you deserve better and any comments about your weight - having delivered to him three children in eight years plus working full time to provide - is a bit rich. The biggest critic in the room about your appearance is probably you? It might be your problem but it is solvable.

Perhaps if he was willing to give you a hand with some of your responsibilities you could hit the gym three times a week or go for a run or do whatever it is that you want to do to help you tone up? Omg.. if only it was the problem hey?

As to what you 'deserve' - you made up your mind when you married him. If you haven't told him that you deserve better or have changed your mind then I think he's trying to divert the problem off him and onto you.

About the love and happiness issue. Yes it's important but it's not the be all and end all. Show me anyone who has three small children to raise, a thousand obligations to attend to arising therefrom and ptsd and yeah, agree he's not going to be feeling too much of either for a while. Who would? Is it enough to end a marriage without a dam good go at sorting it out though?

What did he gain out of the separation? Idk.. maybe that's something you can work out or ask him.

I think you are right.. he's brought about some changes to his life on the basis that things external to himself were the problem but the real problem lays within him and isn't being addressed. It's fair to say it may not be all about his ptsd and it could be a combination of the pressure's of being a husband and father and ptsd.

If he wakes up every morning suffering from ptsd and it never gets any better then I'm sure being a husband, father and any other things in his life will always look, in the least diminished. Ptsd will taint everything.

If his behaviour seems a little bit odd, it probably is. You've known him eight years and you know his version of ptsd better than anyone. So I think you are correct.

What to do now that you can see this behaviour playing out?

I can only think of treatment and consistent treatment. But he has to be willing to do that every single day. It's him that has to stop blaming things and people on the outside and look to healing from within. Sounds very idk stupid but it's just true.

 

[BanjoraLost]

Thank you for the response. Part of the problem is that when the VA initially rated my husband for PTSD, they set his disability at the minimum, and because it’s at the minimum, he’s never been required to follow up. It’s also caused him to feel like he’s adequately rated and not seek further help. Unfortunately, I suspect his newly found interest in the VA might be more about getting more money than actually getting help. I just don’t know if they will rate him higher without any evidence that he’s sought treatment.

At this point, I’m operating under the assumption that the divorce is 100% happening. My husband has his ring tattooed on his finger, and is already getting laser treatment to remove it even though no paperwork has been filed. We are still on good speaking terms, which is really confusing, but he did say that if not for the children, he would have just disappeared.

Right now I’m renting a room, but I’ll be moving into a house in about a week or so. After that, I intend to have as little interaction with my husband as possible. I want to give him space, but we will still have to see each other every day for some time. I’m going to do the usual and focus on myself and see how things develop.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

That describes my guy before he started therapy. He didn't stay in one place more than 5 years. He has three children with three different women so he left alot of broken hearts behind. He doesn't have relationships with his two older boys and only started seeing his youngest (15yo) this year.

He obviously regrets it but his PTSD and avoidance was out of control. He could barely take care of himself. (homeless for almost 10 years)

My guy is in the PTSD program through the VA and is doing so much better. He's working so hard and it's showing.

I hope your guy gets the help he needs and in the meantime take good care of yourself!

Sending strength and courage your way!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Don’t forget to take care of yourself. It’s hard when your partner is symptomatic and you’re worried about them, but you can’t take care of your kids if you’re a hot mess too. You’re the stable one. Take care of your babies and yourself.

He’s gonna do what he’s gonna do. Unfortunately you can’t make somebody get treatment if they’re unwilling. Even if you could talk somebody into it, they’d have to be willing to do the work.

That’s what sucks about being a supporter. He’s in the drivers seat... you’re in back with your hair on fire sometimes. Just got to deal with what’s going on the best way you can.

 

[blackemerald1]

I just don’t know if they will rate him higher without any evidence that he’s sought treatment.

^There are a lot of vets and their supporters. I think they will know more about ^.

I cannot imagine why he would be contacting them if it's not for either money or some kind of help/service.

^It's such a shame he has not received treatment from the va. I'm not sure I understand their diagnosis. I know people can manage their ptsd well and remain or become high functioning people in many ways. However from what you say, it seems he's doing odd things so that's not managing too well.

If it's not another woman, some kind of mid life crisis from another source it's likely to be the ptsd. But again, nothing you can do unless he wants to face up to it.

We are still on good speaking terms, which is really confusing, but he did say that if not for the children, he would have just disappeared.

^Well at least the children rate on his radar. That's very good.

Right now I’m renting a room, but I’ll be moving into a house in about a week or so. After that, I intend to have as little interaction with my husband as possible. I want to give him space, but we will still have to see each other every day for some time. I’m going to do the usual and focus on myself and see how things develop.

^Yeah, I cannot see any other way of managing this Banjora - you are doing really well. This must be so hard for you. I'm so sorry.

 

[BanjoraLost]

Well it seems he wasn’t that serious about marriage counseling, but I was sort of expecting that. I did find out that even though my husband has hot water again, he is still doing dishes and laundry in cold water. His brother also told me that my husband was visiting him and obsessively turning off the lights in the house. His brother had to ask him to stop. I’m not really sure if he’s doing stuff like that as a result of how PTSD has wired his brain, or if it’s something else.

In other news, my husband is now offering to take care of various maintenance items at my new house and also wants to take time with the kids to make Halloween artwork for my cubicle at work. I don’t really know what to make of that. He says he likes doing nice things for people, because it makes him feel good, so maybe it’s just a guilt thing. However, I’ve always felt like actions speak louder than words, and this sort of stuff doesn’t exactly match up with a person who says they want to leave their marriage.

 

[PreciousChild]

I just wanted to comment that you seem to be a mindful, grounded person. I think many people would be nursing hurts and anger, but you seem to have your husband's and kids' welfare at the forefront. But I wouldn't blame you if you did have some emotion around this, and I hope you are taking care of your needs at this time. You've definitely been more than considerate of your husband.

His behaviors are odd. I would certainly take them into account when making permanent decisions.

 

[blackemerald1]

I’m not really sure if he’s doing stuff like that as a result of how PTSD has wired his brain, or if it’s something else.

Has anyone asked him if light is hurting his eyes or, why he's doing it? Seriously I'm wondering if he's got some underlying physical or other mental health disorder and it's being missed.

this sort of stuff doesn’t exactly match up with a person who says they want to leave their marriage.

Yeah - that's so contradictory. But you know him best. If this is out of character I'd urge you to be cautious. It seems you may still have some influence over him. Is it possible to get him to a general doctor to have a thorough assessment?

 

[Deanna]

He’s in the drivers seat... you’re in back with your hair on fire sometimes. Just got to deal with what’s going on the best way you can.

You know, I'm super-glad you said that. I think this more about him making less money than his wife. He feels "stuck". So, this divorce is about being in the driver's seat, as you said.

In other news, my husband is now offering to take care of various maintenance items at my new house and also wants to take time with the kids to make Halloween artwork for my cubicle at work. I don’t really know what to make of that.

 

[BanjoraLost]

Thank you for all the replies. It sounds like my husband finally has an appointment with the VA, but he still has to wait a few more weeks. I kind of know what to expect for this--I remember him seeing a VA therapist right after we were first married, and it was a very rough time. We did not have any kids at that point, and with him being the primary caretaker now (at least during the day) I am a little worried about this will affect the children. Fortunately, my husband is also well aware of how treatment might affect him, and he's already asked for me to manage the kids after his appointment.

In other news, not much has changed between us since my last update. My husband did invite me to partake in some family holiday activities, which was really unexpected. This is something we discussed weeks ago, but he was very against it because he said he didn't want to give me any false hope of reconciling. His logic is pretty sound, so I'm not sure what to make of this new development. I feel very neutral about it.

 

[Justmehere]

Damn, so sorry it's turning out this way. I'm glad he is making some movement towards treatment.

Is he taking care of the kids in a house without the lights on and the heat off? I'm glad he is asking for more help with the kids, but that may need to be stepped up even more. I think your concerns about how his symptoms could affect the kids is reasonable. Young kids can be sponges.

Have you spoken to a divorce lawyer so that you have your ducks in a row in case this moves further towards divorce?